The Invisible Sword

On this crazy, blue marble we call Earth -- filled with killing, negativity, violence, hatred, and all of the other Cain and Abel crap that goes on... one has to wonder if there is any good left. Is this "good" worth fighting for? Or, perhaps we should just succumb to the inevitable seed of evil that festers within each and every one of us.

This rings especially true for us gays and lesbians. After all, God's mortal minions already roam the planet, throwing fire and brimstone at us -- our judgments already rendered. What is the point of fighting for "good" if this inevitable tidal wave is upon us? What chance does the "good" person have of surviving such constant destruction, ruthlessness, and raw contempt?

Viewing the world through the horrifically awkward glasses of a gay Black man, I'm starting to believe that gays/lesbians now have more of an advantage in surviving such a hostile environment than heterosexuals do. I mean, it should be in our nature to evolve and innovate after our walls keep getting destroyed by oppression and bigotry, right? Hence, for the most part, we have ever-growing experience dealing with the very things that make this world crazy. Whether we actually are applying that is for another post.

Consider the fact that we’ve all (yes, you straight ladies, too) experienced an attraction to seemingly innocent, nice, handsome men until the monster suddenly leaps out of their chest at random... hungry to destroy everything in reach. The asshole within comes to light (no pun intended), and it eventually makes you wonder how a person born innocent into this world becomes a hard-lined, cold blooded asshole. What's even worse to swallow is that most assholes always seem to finish ahead of those in their wake.

People abandon those that love them; boyfriends, girlfriends, family members, children. People abuse. People attack; twisted mind games... all out social warfare. Why?

Certainly, neither gay nor straight men are immune to this "phenomenon", but one has to wonder if sometimes being an asshole is all a guy has left to hold on to. Maybe it takes getting hurt to forever change one's soul, even in the slightest? Subsequently, he builds some sort of line of defense to prevent him from being hurt again.

Hmmmm.... maybe the only difference between nice guys and not-so-nice guys is how and when they put up their defenses to life’s harsh environment? The not-so-nice guy puts his "defenses" up in time; the nice guy does not. Let's call this line of defense an invisible sword... and it's safe to believe that every man possesses one. Most likely, gay men tend to use theirs more overtly than straight men. But, when and how a man uses it is equally important.

For instance, when you really think about it, life's not necessarily easy for a straight man nowadays. The horrible fact is that he’s caught in some sort of whirlpool of non-identity -- much like my Caucasian counterparts. (Just think of the mayhem a White History Month would cause, and why it is 31 days long as supposed to Black History Month being 28 days long.)

A straight man is trapped within its grasps, and there is no way out. If he’s attacked by critics (those who question his sexuality), there is no 100% effective way he can prove to the world who he really is – no matter how good he is at defending himself with his invisible sword. He can try to convince those around him that he’s straight by getting married to a woman, by taking a woman to bed, by kissing women in public… but the fact is -- that won’t necessarily prove his true identity. Having gay friends, or even being associated with gay people can make it all the more difficult. Moreover, all it takes is one kiss on a man’s lips or looking at a man a certain way to set his world in flames. How can a straight man truly defend himself against his skeptics? How does a straight man ward off impending attacks on his very identity?

Consider what the world dictates a man to be. A man must be macho. He must be supportive. He must be strong. He must be faithful. He must be open-minded. He must not cry. He must not get too emotional. He must have a constant sense of self-control. Not to mention it's okay for his bare chest to be exposed without censorship -- like a slab of meat on display.

Seriously... there are a plethora of other constructs that comprise what a man is perceived to be… and he feels that if he falters just one time, his image of being a real man may be shattered forever. This could especially warp the minds of people who are in conflict with their own sexuality. So maybe I should look at this a different way -- this is happening not because they are either gay or straight -- rather, because they are men.

In comes the “overcompensation”. Overcompensation leads to conflict. Conflict leads to pain. Pain leads to suffering. Then, he and everyone around him are affected. Poof… an asshole is born… and now, he finds himself using his invisible sword for offense instead of defense. That's where the "good" man/woman in this asshole's path get their heart broken, or worse.

The sad thing is, I feel that the principal deadly sin at work here is pride. As life goes on, why does a man have so much trouble defeating this ancient monster? Should we be approaching this monster as homos or heteros; or should we be approaching it as men? And once we've killed this monster, would we find the “good” that is still left in this world?

So I ask: What is motivating people to keep trying... to keep going... to fight in the face of adversity? When do the casualties stop mounting in the wake of the asshole that walks this Earth? What is our true fate?