Balancing Act

The sun is gone here in North Texas, replaced by a gibbous moon creeping into the northeastern sky. Cold air descends upon us amidst a star-filled canopy. What a perfect night to venture over to Fitzhugh Avenue for a cocktail tonight!

My best friend has dropped down from Chicago to visit, and it seems that he's passed out on my couch. Traveling can zap the energy outta anybody, even if they are seasoned flight attendants like my buddy here. So, while he rests up for "Two Dolla Make-You-Holla" Night at Dallas' Crew's Inn Bar, this is the perfect moment to unravel my thoughts.

One of my good friends, known only as "The Godfather", is going to meet us up there at 10:20PM tonight -- as I do every Tuesday night at this time if we are off from work. It's kinda nice to have "traditions" going with a brotha's circle of friends. Perhaps everyone needs some continuity in their lives to keep a comfortable level of sanity around themselves.

Earlier today, my grandmother called me to chit-chat for a while. I looked at the caller ID and let the phone ring to voice mail. Now, before you throw tomatoes at me, hear me out. I find myself in one of those "hang out with people that understand" moods, you know? Don't get me wrong... I am so grateful to have family that supports and embraces my sexuality. But, my grandmother just doesn't understand what I really go through sometimes. Family provides a much different level of support than gay friends do, and today -- it's the friendship support that I need.

As a homosexual, I went through "The Tribulation", which is typically a 4-step process of obtaining truth and subsequently inner peace. No offense to my straight counterparts, but heterosexuals can't understand this Tribulation -- they can only empathize. The four steps are:

1. Denial - For some, this is a Black boy believing that Black boys can't be gay. For others, it's saying "I'm not GAY" after pulling their penis out of some guy's ass. For some, "it's just a phase". Yes, you get the drift... mentally denying that you are gay, and denying the physical attraction exists -- even if one engages in the act. Still, other gaylings are fortunate to skip this painful step on the staircase altogether.
2. Rationalization - the step of actually grasping what 'being gay' means and its subsequent implications. Examples: seeing other boys going goo-goo-gah-gah over girls and just not sharing in the fun; knowing that there's something different, but not what or why; validating yourself by enjoying manly and womanly parts... you get the idea. If you use terms like "experimenting" or "finding myself"... look at the Tribulation map and you'll see "YOU ARE HERE". Those who aren't really sexually oriented to the same sex may look at this as fun. For those of us who are sexually oriented to the same sex, it can be serious business... and agonizingly long -- if not, the longest step of The Tribulation.
   
3. Realization - aka "coming out" to yourself, then to those you deem it is important to tell.
   
4. Undertaking - integrating into a 'new world' of living and smoothing over any aftermath of Step 3. Engaging the external world as Superman, rather than Clark Kent.
   

I'm well into the final step of the Tribulation, where I will remain for the rest of my life. My sleeping couch-hogger friend here has been on step 4 for years, and he skipped over step 1 like a leaping, happy sprite. Step 1 hit me in the face like a cinder block. The Godfather, who just turned 50, experienced a much longer Step 2 than I did. Once I tried a man, there was no denying that I liked it, and it didn't take long for me to wrap myself around the concept of 'gayness'.

So, henceforth, those who endure the Tribulation can relate, bond, and interact with each other on a different level of intimacy than family can. Given that, it's such a balancing act... to keep a close bond with family, while seeking out the support of my gay friends; and when the grandmother calls 4 times a day with the potential to carry on hours-long conversations, a brotha's gotta have some space sometimes.

I wish I didn't feel so guilty. I don't want to seem like I don't appreciate my family, because I do. I love them very very much. Even if they had disowned me, I'd love them. Even if they flush my ashes in the toilet after I die, I'd love them. But, tonight's little soiree is the continuity I enjoy -- and need... and enjoy it I will.