The Ex-Files: 2009-1970=39?

Picture it. Dallas. 2009.

I was in one of those romantic dry-spells, healing my wounds and preparing to keep on living life. It was by sheer chance that I would bump into a guy online that I had chatted with years prior. Judging by his picture, he was a smoking hot guy -- and British, to boot!

Eventually, we would finally meet at a public place and start the process getting to know more about one another. And when that day came, he showed up in a nice pair of distressed jeans, a tight muscle shirt, and a baseball cap with rough edges. He almost looked like an older version of an Abercrombie and Fitch model. The first words out of his mouth carried the sweet sounds of a British accent, and I immediately felt my knees weaken.

As our date went on, I learned quite a bit about him. He told me he was a 39-year old Flight Attendant for a well-known airline. Eventually, we entered a relationship and I met his mother... and even his ex-boyfriend who had to have been pushing 50 or so. Then, the subtle signs began to appear.

He'd never let me see his passport or any other identification... and when I caught him dyeing his hair one day, my gut told me to ask him what year he was born.

"1970," he answered.
"Damn," I thought to myself.

After that, I must have asked him how old he was at least 5 more times -- and strangely enough, he'd always answer that he was born in 1970 rather than give me his age in years. I just knew he was lying about his age; but other than subtle things about his body that fueled my speculation, I had no hard proof... literally. Soon thereafter, I had my smoking gun that he was not 39 years old at all. In fact, he was 10 years off.... but damned good looking nonetheless.

Although we eventually broke it off, I was left wondering had he told me his real age at the time, would it have made any difference? Was I making a bigger issue out of it than it was? Yeah, I'll put it out there -- trust is a big thing for me, to the point of being an addiction. But there will always be that "what-if" thought in the back of my mind...

Did I potentially pass up a wonderful opportunity because 2009 minus 1970 didn't equal 39?

"Honey, It's Just Broken"

So, has anyone watched the old, classic movie, "A Christmas Story"? If you have, the lamp pictured to the left should come flowing back into your memory banks. The next question is, how does this lamp end up as a blog post?

Good question. I'll get to that momentarily, I promise. In the meantime, perhaps you can relate to the nice person that brought home his/her first lover to meet the parents. Maybe you can relate to the feeling of the first kiss... the first time in the sheets... the long line of memories spawned by a relationship that you deemed to be a very special part of your life.

Now, say that life backhands you in the face, and you are betrayed by this 'special lover'. In fact, it happens over and over again until something even worse happens -- you come down with an STD, you are taken advantage of, or you are used and abused, etc. These relationships are analogous to the leg lamp from "A Christmas Story".

If you've watched the movie, you know what happens to this leg lamp, right? And how does the father respond? He attempts to glue it back together and return it quickly to its pedestal by the window. Then, the world could see its prominence and influence once again. Of course, the lamp is broken beyond repair, and no amount of glue is going to make it whole again.

In a way, perhaps the father saw this as an escape from the reality that his wife's legs will never look like that again... an escape to something that could get his hormones raging again, like they were during his younger days. Nevertheless, internal dialogue kicks into the father's brain... "Honey, It's Just Broken" ... and he gets rid of the lamp and moves on.

As I cross paths with more and more men in the dating world, I wonder to myself, when is that internal dialogue going to kick in for them? Will they run out of glue before they realize that the leg lamp will never be the same again? Will they grow tired of gluing its gaping cracks, and then worrying/wondering when it's going to come crashing down again? When will they stop ignoring the store with a Mega-Sale on premium lamps?

*Sigh* I guess some men look for a new lamp... some men buy another case of glue.

I used to be the man that spent my whole paycheck on glue... and I often wonder what kept me going back for more. Seriously, what is truly behind the difficulty in letting someone go? I can't speak for all the other guys that are still squirting glue at a broken lamp, but I used to think it was the power of sentimentality at work.

Now, I wonder if I was running from something... maybe a deep seeded fear of being alone? Maybe I was running away from some sort of inequity, deficit or surplus? Maybe the glue-squirters of the present are running from something, too?

Whatever the case may be, my key to ditching the glue was to accept that while shopping for just the right lamp, very good things can happen in the dark!

The Lost Art

So, yesterday I was at work minding my own business when "BLING!" I got new email. It was from a man (whom I'll refer to as Witch Doctor) that I was in the dialogue phase of the whole dating scene. We had seemingly developed a good rapport, but things were suddenly cut loose from his end via text message last week.

Quite honestly, I've learned to expect that most of the time -- call me jaded, that's fine. Perhaps 10, maybe even 5 years ago, I'd be pretty upset and distraught. Nowadays, I toss it over my shoulder like grains of salt. But, this e-mail I received represented a lost art in today's society. As I read his words, I honestly couldn't believe that he had sent this message... an apology.

I checked to make sure it went to the right person. The correct name was in the header... yep... he was aiming this right at me. It was a package with lost art inside -- one of the best gifts a soul can receive -- an apology.

Now, maybe you appreciate a detailed explanation embedded within an apology. Me, I don't particularly care to have explanations 99% of the time. I believe that, unlike my coffee, the less cream you add to an apology, the better and more sincere it becomes. No rationalization. No excuses. No justification.

Witch Doctor had nailed it down, and he certainly did his homework on performing this lost art in a way that I find pure and sincere. He acknowledged what happened. He said, "I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way." There was no 'blame-transfer' or anything like that.

As such, I had to thank Witch Doctor for restoring my faith in the belief that there are still people out there that care about others' feelings. To me, sincere apologies are one of the most fantastic pieces of art. I wish Witch Doctor all the best, and I hope that he finds nothing but peace and prosperity in his future.

Changes in the Wind

2009 has turned out to be a wonderful year so far, albeit only 25% complete. Compared to last year, things could only have gone up... and now, I can feel changes in the wind.

Starting in May, I'll be alone for the first time in seven years. On the surface, it may sound bad... especially for those who are wary of loneliness. However, I won't have that lonely feeling. My roommate is moving out, and it will just be the dogs and me in the house.

I will hear the creaking of the house; the wind rushing against the window; a dog in the distance; the tiniest raindrops hitting the roof. Peace and quiet... total autonomy... laying on the couch naked, watching whatever I want, whenever I want.

There won't be a lover in my bed, which isn't all bad either. At least my arm and shoulder won't be numb from sleeping in awkward positions. I won't be waking up to his alarm clock, or his bedshaking trips to the bathroom, or his snoring. Dare I say it? I'm actually at peace being single and having my house all to myself... me, the Black Man Next Door.. a man driven by intimacy and connection.

In retrospect, I think 2008 took something from me -- a very big part of me -- and now, I refuse to give away just a part of me to another guy. Finally, I'm quite comfortable with taking all the "me time" I need, enjoying life as it presents itself, and being as selfish as possible without consequence to someone else. Perhaps someday, I'll once again have the whole me to give away to that special guy.

Is He Boyfriend Material?

“The First Date: Assessing His Boyfriend Potential”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
You sit on the lumpy lounge chair at the local coffee shop, sipping your cappuccino while trying to look occupied reading today’s local newspaper, your eyes periodically shifting to the front door of the shop, hoping to catch a quick glance of the man you’ll be meeting for the first time. You’ve had a million first dates, it seems, but the nervous anticipation and excitement always seems to show itself through your sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat. What will this meeting be like? Could he be “The One?”

Even though your blood’s pumping at the prospect of meeting someone new, you feel confident and relaxed within yourself as you approach this situation. You’ve worked hard to be a good, upstanding man and you recognize that you’re a “good catch.” You’re comfortable with who you are and you have a solid vision for what you’re looking for in a potential mate, having taken the time to craft a dating plan that emphasizes your personal needs, wants, values, and requirements in a relationship and partner. Your first date here is an opportunity to meet and get to know a new person with no expectations of outcome. You are going to be yourself, knowing that this isn’t about performance, and you’ll have a chance to briefly gauge whether this man possesses some of the traits and qualities that you seek in a Mr. Right. Your thoughts are interrupted by the presence of the handsome creature that now stands before you. You both shake hands as you greet, smiles beaming, and he proceeds to sit down to begin the get-to-know-you dialogues.

Who is this man sitting across from you? Is he boyfriend potential? While compatibility largely rests on the goodness-of-fit between the two of you with your relationship visions and attraction/chemistry, this article will pose some provoking questions for you to track the answers for when you begin your dating quests with new people and learn about whether they’re your “type” or not. These questions can act as guideposts through your dating journey. And remember, the answers you obtain do not reflect upon this person as being “good” or “bad.” The answers are simply used as a way to help you quickly determine if this individual matches with your personal requirements so that you can make informed choices that will promote your achieving a successful and lasting relationship with your Mr. Right.

The First Date Evaluation
Generally speaking, first dates are usually better structured when they’re short, focused, and allow for lots of dialogue. Learn as much as you can about this person so you can begin the process of “sizing up” his compatibility with your vision and needs. According to David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute, there are four critical skills that singles must possess during their life partner quest. Two of those skills are relevant to our discussion here. “Sorting is the process of quickly determining if someone you meet has future potential. A successful single is able to initiate contact with people and in conversation get enough information within 5 minutes to know whether they want to get to know them better or move on. Think of “working the room” at a party. Screening is the process of getting enough information to determine if a prospective partner meets your requirements or not. Since requirements are relationship breakers, all of them must be met. Getting this information can occur over the telephone, by e-mail, over coffee, or taking a walk. If you are looking for your life partner, you can’t afford to explore dead ends; and it is important to get this information BEFORE you date them and get involved.” (Steele, 2002)

While it’s impossible to get the full scope of a person on a first date, you should be on the lookout for any possible “red flags” that would halt the possibility of a second date. Or perhaps he will have inspired some intrigue in you to invest further in getting more acquainted with him. So when conversing with the man sitting across from you, think about some of the following points to help you ponder how you’d like to proceed with this particular gentleman:

1. What is your immediate reaction upon seeing your date? How do you feel? Do you find him physically attractive and inviting? Does he appear to take care of himself and have good grooming and hygiene?

2. Does he maintain eye contact with you as he speaks or is he looking around the room at the other guys (very disrespectful!)?

3. Does he appear attentive and genuinely interested in what you have to say? Notice his body posture and whether it’s open or closed.

4. Does he display a good sense of humor and is he able to laugh, relax, and have fun with your interaction? Does he exhibit good verbal and social skills or seem stiff and have difficulty maintaining and initiating conversations?

5. Is there a good balance between his talking about himself vs. his asking you questions about yourself? Or does he monopolize the time talking only about his life? Or does he not engage in any self-disclosure at all?

6. How are his manners? Is he polite, thoughtful, and considerate? Based on your first impression of his manners, would Mom approve of his behavior? Do you feel comfortable being with him or do you experience embarrassment by his behavior?

7. What does he talk about? Notice any themes? Does he seem positive and upbeat or negative and pessimistic? When he talks, does he seem judgmental, petty, and put down other people or himself?

8. Does he seem to have goals, aspirations, and ambitions? Does he exude excitement about life and possibilities? Is he passionate? How well-rounded does he seem? Does he have varied interests and hobbies, have an active lifestyle and seem reasonably intelligent and able to converse about a variety of topics and current events?

9. Does he place a lot of emphasis on sex during your time together? If so, this may be a priority for him and it’ll be important to ensure what type of relationship he’s seeking (casual sex or dating) so you can decide if this fits with your needs.

10. At the end of the date, how would you rate the experience and your interest on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest? Is there chemistry? Do you feel drawn to him on multiple levels?

Food For Thought
There are, of course, many other questions and criteria you may have, but these points may be a good starting point to launch from on a first date. There tend to be three types of personality styles that men can bring to a first date situation. One are those men who are on their best behavior to try to impress you, gain your approval, or please you to compensate for perceived weaknesses they have so they can “snag” another date from you. Another type are those men who struggle with shyness, anxiety, and insecurity, so the behavior they display during the date may not actually be reflective of who they really are until they feel more comfortable. And then there are those who present their “real self”, an accurate portrayal of who they really are. It may be helpful to keep this in mind when deciding about whether to transition into an exit or for an invitation for another date.

Conclusion
Knowing who you are and being clear on what you want is critical during your time in the dating pool. This knowledge will take you far in weeding out those men who may not be particularly good matches for you and will save you a lot of time, energy, and frustration. You may need several dates with someone to assess their potential and you may find during the process that some of these men may be more suitable as friends—another addition to your support network!

Thinking too much about these questions can be distracting, so try to avoid being “too much in your head” during the date. Analyzing and being too cognitive will take away from your date, causing you to miss certain cues during the interaction that would be important and lead you to not focus on being a good listener. Be fully present with your date and enjoy the experience, no matter how it turns out because you will have still learned something. Additionally, try to turn the above questions back on yourself and assess how these factors apply to your style. These questions may provide clues about the areas of your life and personality that are strengths and weaknesses and can be a tool to help you develop goals for self-improvement to make yourself even more “dateable!” In a future newsletter, we’ll examine additional questions and assessment guidelines to ponder as you begin to delve into a dating relationship with a man to determine life partner status potential, but in the meantime make sure you’ve crafted your relationship vision and plan and cheers to your dating success!

*References:	Steele, David (2002). Relationship Coaching Institute.
	www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com and www.consciousdating.org.

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Beneath the Surface

It's quiet... not much going on at work -- which in a way, ain't good. It's times like this where the daydreaming begins, and now, my thoughts may be considered "weird" by some. Of course, that's okay.... the Black Man Next Door's front door is always open for criticism, ridicule, and spectacle.

Over the past few years, I've gradually jumped back onto the dating raft and floated out over the ocean. It's surface is beautiful, much like the outside appearance of most men can be... but once I suit up and dive into the depths, it's amazing what lies underneath. A man's heart and soul, like the depths of an ocean, is a vast space filled with secrets... wonders... beauties..... and shipwrecks.

Now that I've explored beneath the surface of a few oceans, I've finally embraced the fact that there is something good to be taken from each and every broken relationship. I used to take things with such anger, and always wondered what I did wrong, and why things went down they way they did. The hardest part for me was coming to terms that I can't control everything, nor can I change anyone. In the meantime, I learned what works for me, and what doesn't... and if I didn't have the courage to jump onto the raft, I'd never know what lies beneath the surface in the first place.

The things that we find in the ocean's depths, and in men, can be taken many ways -- depending on who we are as individuals. Some see shipwrecks as beautiful, others see them as... well, wrecks. For me, there are a lot of things I find beautiful about men -- things that lie beneath the surface... and right now, I'm daydreaming of qualities that I feel really bring out the beauty of men.... internal qualities that I would love in a future husband. I'll list just a few:

1. A man that would most likely choose to adapt to his environment, rather than force his environment to conform to his liking. He prefers to use more of a mental/emotional effort to problem solving, rather than physical exertion. In lay-a-man's terms, diplomacy first, swords last.

2. A man that doesn't hesitate to use words such as "thank you", "I'm wrong", and "I'm sorry"... and mean them.

3. A man who respects differences in his partner, and grants a little space to embrace individuality from time to time.

4. A man that enjoys closeness and intimacy... but not to the point where he's literally suffocating you with his arm around your neck in a movie theater.

Okay, seriously... I could go on and on. But, I'll leave room for your input. What are qualities in a man that would make your heart melt? Feel free to add to my list...

Gay, Single, and Loving It

"Gay, Single, & Loving It"
by Brian Rzepcynzski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
We live in a society that places high value and expectation on being in a coupled relationship and singles are often stigmatized for their single-status. Gay men, in particular, are often labeled as being unable to develop and maintain long-lasting intimate relationships, adding yet another layer to this stigma. This can lead to feelings of low self-worth and inferiority, a sense that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have a boyfriend, an excessive focus and preoccupation with your discontent with being single, and sometimes a compulsive drive to find a relationship just to satisfy that nagging need (which can be a dangerous and sabotaging maneuver if one’s dating practices are conducted out of desperation rather than conscious intention).

For those who have not chosen singlehood as a lifestyle and do long to be in a relationship, this can be a painfully difficult experience. Special occasions, holidays, weddings, times of loneliness, and just witnessing other couples can be very triggering events for singles that serve to magnify their restlessness and unfulfillment with being solo. What these types of single gay men need most is a reassurance and recognition that this phase of life can be one of the most enjoyable and transformational times of their lives if they choose it to be. This article will validate the positive values of being single and will offer some suggestions for making the most of your single life.

The Benefits of Being Single
Singlehood is the time in your life where you have the greatest degree of flexibility and freedom to do whatever you want. You can be more spontaneous, independent, selfish, and adventurous because there can be less commitments and more time to pursue the things you want to do; you can make your life into anything that you want it to be as you’re completely in “the driver’s seat.” You have the ability to enter in and out of situations with relative ease and to meet a variety of new people. You are responsible only for yourself and can make choices and major decisions without having to take another into account or to have to answer to anyone. You don’t have to deal with another’s annoying habits or nuances and don’t have to compromise. Other aspects of your identity (career, family, friends, etc.) can have more emphasis as there’s less competition for your focus and attentions.

More importantly, though, being single puts you in the ideal position for cultivating yourself to reach your fullest potential as an individual. It’s an opportunity for self-exploration and investing in your own personal growth and development. It’s also an ideal time to learn what’s needed to be fully prepared for love when you find it, to experiment safely with your sexuality, and to explore different types of relationships. It’s fertile ground for learning about who you are and what your needs are. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. says it best in his book “Keeping the Love You Find”:

“Singleness would be recognized as a vital stage of the journey
to maturation, a time to learn about who we are, to learn
responsibility and self-sufficiency, to identify our true
desires, and to confront our inner strengths and demons, a time
to make changes in the things that stymie our pleasure and
progress in life, to learn how to connect and communicate on all
levels. It would be sorely needed relationship training.” (1)

Action Steps for Navigating Your Single Life
The following are some practical tips and suggestions for managing your singlehood to promote a positive acceptance and enjoyment of this special time in your life.

1. Create a checklist of the opportunities that being single affords you and start living them!

2. Start a journal about your single-status and what it means to
you. Answer the following questions:

• Why am I single? How do I feel about that?
• What do I want from being single?
• What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors hold me back from being able to embrace this time of my life?
• How do I contribute to my own unfulfillment with being single? How do I sabotage myself?

Don’t deny your feelings or ignore your desire for a relationship. Process these feelings in your journal and write about ways you can create more meaning and purpose in your life.

3. Identify the biggest challenges you face with being single and
develop goals to defeat them.

4. Develop affirmation cards. Grab some index cards and write
positive thoughts, motivational statements, advantages and opportunities of being single, and self-improvement goals onto the cards. Read them to yourself daily to begin internalizing the messages. Alternatively, stick the cards in a jar and during times of loneliness or depressive funks, refer to the cards for a quick pick-me-up.

5. Identify things you’ve always been meaning to do or try but
never made the time to pursue or learn. Take action.

6. Build your support system, join a class, volunteer for a cause
that’s meaningful to you, commit yourself to health and wellness.
Be active. Live your life to the max! Make it count!

Conclusion
As you can see, being single provides you with many opportunities for self-growth, fun, and preparing yourself for your life partner when you eventually meet him. Take advantage of this crucial time in your life to accomplish your life goals, improve your self-esteem, work through any internalized homophobia you may be struggling with, and build your interpersonal skills. It’s important to avoid glamorizing relationships because “the grass is not always greener on the other side” and to realize that having a boyfriend does not take away problems that you may already have in your life. Appreciate this time of your life and don’t measure your happiness or worth as a person on your relationship status.

The Law of Attraction states that we attract situations, people, and experiences in our lives that reflect who we are and what we focus on. Negativity about being single will only mirror, magnify, and attract more negativity. Counter this by taking charge of your single life and crafting it into being the most meaningful and fulfilling time of your life with its alignment to your life vision and purpose. Cheers to your becoming a successful single!

(1) Hendrix, H. (1992). Keeping the Love You Find. New York: Pocket Books/Simon & Schuster, Inc.

© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the
FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Interraciality, Part II

I hope everyone is enjoying this Saturday morning of late February. I'm enjoying my ritualistic ceremony of coffee with 2 creams, 2 sugars, 3 stirs, and a napkin. It's going to be a busy morning, but I'm taking pause to continue my thoughts on "Interraciality".

To this day, I believe one of the best interracial couples to grace American television was that of Keith and David on Six Feet Under (2001-2005). David Fisher, portrayed by Michael C. Hall, is a funeral director; Keith Charles, portrayed by Mathew St. Patrick, is a police officer. It was one of the most interesting relationship dynamics that I've ever watched, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.


It's amazing that the 21st century is now in full swing, and there is still a painful lack of homosexual, interracial couples gracing our television sets and movie screens -- hell, gay/lesbian couples, period. Not only that, but our community needs representative couples that aren't simply props for flaming comic relief, or mere sidekicks and villains in predominantly heterosexual settings. I yearn for them to be an integral part of the story as three-dimensional characters, like all gays and lesbians are. I truly feel that this will really help provide the audience the sense of understanding that each and every one of us has yet to receive from society at large.

Right off the bat, I knew that Six Feet Under was going to pull the rug off of a myriad of stereotypes... especially toward the Black, gay man. The relationship between David and Keith starts in a church... not a bar, club, or Pride parade. Something that many of us can actually identify with! Refreshing!

Keith attended West Point Military academy and served on a police force for 9 years before going into private security. He definitely has issues with anger management, but the show twists this quality into something that we, the audience, can empathize with -- albeit in a dark, uncanny way. Like, for instance, he ends up violently beating the stuffing out of a guy during a domestic violence call. *grin* (I'm wondering if he can provide services to R&B singer, Rhianna! chris brown needs a good can of Africanized WHOOP ASS!)

Then, you have David Fisher... once a young, Republican. He kept his sexuality in the closet for a time, and was even so confused as to get engaged to a woman. David also took his deceased father's position as a deacon at a church that shunned homosexuality.

Not even Queer as Folk invoked such a clash of three dimensional, believable qualities of character. Keith and David are examples of a deep, critical analysis of the human psyche... not just touching on the umbrella of gay issues like other shows and movies do.

When these two fine-ass men intertwined, you could really feel the clash... the conflict... and your heart really wraps around them. They break up and kiss up several times, but they never really ran away from each other. There was this sense that they knew this was a foundation for something greater, and they worked on it through counseling.

The David-Keith relationship resonated a message that I thought gay/lesbians of the Millenials, Gen-Y, and even Gen-X should really ponder. Too many of us cut and run when the going gets tough because it's so easy. We affect other lives with each and every thing we do, whether we like it or not. In this ever-crazy world of darkness, hatred, war, bigotry, and violence -- when we do come across something good, we shouldn't expect 'perfection on a platter'. The sweetness of perfection is striving for it, not necessarily attaining it... much like a forbidden fruit.

If you haven't seen Six Feet Under, I highly recommend it! If you know of other excellent portrayals of gay, interracial relationships on the tele-waves, let the Black Man Next Door know!

Interraciality, Part I

The other night at a local gay club, while I was enjoying a celebration for one of my fag hag's professional achievements, I had just enough cocktails to get out on the dance floor. Another one of my female friends joined me out there, and as we swirled away to 80s dance music, I noticed two men off to my left. They clicked so well together, dancing like intertwined birds... arms and hands draped over each other... eyes locked onto one another as if communicating by some extrasensory means.

Now, you're probably saying.. "Kevin, it's a gay bar with guys all over the dance floor. What's the big deal?" Just tie your wings up for a second, I'm getting there. You see, these weren't just two every day gaybirds dancing in the pale moon light. One of them was a 5'10" White guy, dressed like the guy-next-door. The other, a 6' or so Black guy, dressed like the guy-next-door... and there were NO other paired-up dancers like that in the whole joint. Both of them looked as though they walked straight out of the office and onto the dance floor.

Now, you're really scratching your head.. "Kevin, interracial couples are out all the time, and it's a common thing nowadays. After all, the 1960s are long gone." Maybe in your neck of the woods, but...

To that, I say, "Wrong."

I have long walked the streets here in this Texas metropolis called Dallas/Ft. Worth, and you'd be surprised how rare it is to see any interracial couples walk down "rainbow avenue"... much less dancing together in a club. In these parts, out of all racial combinations that you would see on occasion, White-Black 'interraciality' seems to be one of the rarest dynamics. Anyway, as my fag hag twirled me around on the dance floor, I was completely mesmerized. I tried not to make it obvious that I was staring at them, but it was the most refreshing sight that I've ever seen at The Mining Company gay club.

Perhaps somewhere deep in the recesses of your brain, you are asking me "Why?"... Hmmmm, probably because in all my years of dating, I've heard so much about the stigmas of "interraciality", be it homo- or heterosexual. I've had everything from religious beliefs to statistics thrown in my face, and my past failed interracial relationships only bolster those statistics.

But that night, on that dance floor, I felt the energy of two soul mates of interraciality... and it was strong. Love really does have no color, and I walked off of the dance floor smiling, tipsy, and hopeful.

Boundaries for You and Your Guy

"Boundaries For You & Your Guy”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction
Have you ever skipped going to the health club one day because you just absolutely had no motivation to get all sweaty and tired? Or what about gorging on a half-gallon of ice cream to cope with your stress? Ever leave the mall wondering what the heck you were thinking maxing out your credit card? Do you work more hours at your job than need be? These are situations where a boundary violation of the self has occurred and we’ve all been there.

Boundaries are the limits we set around ourselves to keep safe, centered, and accountable. They are usually drawn from our values and they define who we are and what we will and won’t accept in our lives to keep our integrity and well-being intact. The more aligned our behavior is with our defined boundaries, the more balance and harmony we tend to experience in our lives. When we act outside the confines of our boundaries, our self-esteem can take a hit and we actually can create a whole host of other stressors that will disrupt us and leave us feeling badly and out-of-integrity. It is human nature to stumble outside our boundaries from time to time, but when it becomes a way of life, underlying issues may be at play that will require some attention and intervention to avoid ongoing conflicts in one’s life.

Not only do we have self-imposed boundaries, but boundaries also pertain to our relationships. A healthy relationship is comprised of two men with a solid sense of self and identity. Boundaries help protect the partners of a couple from abuse or outside influences of others. They help create a sense of security in the partnership, allowing safe communication of needs and feelings between the partners that helps to solidify a positive connection and intimacy. Boundaries help cement what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate conduct both within and outside the context of being a couple and help to define who you are and what you stand for as life partners.

Boundaries & Relationship Types
Here’s an illustration as to why boundaries are important to your relationship. Take out a piece of paper. At the top of the page, draw two circles on opposite sides of the page. This represents the type of relationship where the couple identifies themselves as a pair, however they have little connection with each other and live parallel lives with minimal contact, sharing, or interaction that would support an intimate commitment. This relationship exhibits boundaries that are too strong to allow closeness and which there’s too much separateness and division between the two men. Little will grow from this except more of a “roommate feeling” and dissension. This style has too much individual identity.

In the middle of the page, draw two circles with one on top of the other. This relationship type is called enmeshed, where the couple is practically one whole. You are your partner; you live and breathe your partner with very little independence and individuality. You are merged together so completely that you lose your sense of self because you’re so fused and any perceived threat that exists to your relationship is thought of as devastating. The problem with this relationship style is that partners can feel suffocated and overly-dependent on each other; controlling behaviors are not uncommon and you can feel restricted and trapped. This style has too much couple identity.

At the bottom of the page, draw two circles that are mildly intertwined at the sides. This is a healthy relationship where the partners are slightly merged. There is a healthy balance of separateness and togetherness. The couple is flexible, honoring their uniqueness as individuals and their shared connection as partners. Because of this balance, “fresh air” is constantly being breathed into the relationship, revitalizing it and making it exciting, unlike the staleness of the former relationship type where everything is about the other person. This style works because the boundaries aren’t too rigid or loose and they take into account that healthy relationships have both individual and couple identities. This is what you want to shoot for!

Boundary Violations In Gay Relationships
We’ve talked about self-oriented boundary violations like straying from your diet or cheating on a test. Violations in your relationship with your partner can be particularly damaging, however, as they can diminish your trust in each other and cause significant conflicts and emotional distance that can tear down the foundation of commitment you’ve built. Again, it’s human to stray from our boundaries at times, but when it becomes pervasive and isn’t talked about with your partner to try and remedy it, serious consequences can arise.

Here are some examples of common boundary violations in relationships to give you a better idea of what we’re talking about:

• You drink too much at the bar with your friends and flirt with all the men near you while your partner is away on business
• Your partner pressures you to experiment with sexual practices you’re not comfortable with
• You don’t stick up for your partner when your family badmouths him
• Your partner makes other things, like work or his hobbies, more of a priority than spending quality time with you
• You don’t voice your opinions about the way you would like things to function in your relationship and then harbor feelings of resentment toward your partner when he makes all the decisions
• Your partner strays from your monogamous relationship by cheating with someone he met on the Internet
• Negativity, jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, lying, withdrawal, blaming…these are also “red flags”

And the list goes on and on! It is only a violation if either of you behave in a way that contradicts the relationship vision or mission that the two of you should have and should continue to be co-creating from the inception of your partnership. Communication of your expectations and values is critical from the very beginning of your relationship and should continue to be re-visited periodically to ensure you both are still “on the same page”. Your relationship and the players involved in it will grow and change, which is a normal part of your maturation, and you’ll need to be open to this and make revisions to your original “contract” as necessary.

Tips For Boundary-Setting Success

• As an individual, determine whether you struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships and life in general. Difficulties with boundaries can come from many sources, including: being raised in a dysfunctional family where unhealthy boundaries were modeled, low self-esteem, lack of individual identity and codependency, poor assertiveness and social skills, being in an abusive or toxic relationship, being easily guilt-prone, having addictions of any kind, having power/control issues, getting a sense of validation for catering to a relationship partner, etc. Try to identify where your struggles with boundaries originate and keep track of what triggers your self-sabotaging behavior. Work aggressively at overcoming these personal hurdles to promote a more solid and confident sense of self.
• Take a class on assertiveness training or get some counseling to help you build skills in identifying your needs and feelings and how to directly express them without guilt or qualification.
• As a couple, plot out a relationship mission statement that specifies your values and expectations for behavioral conduct as individuals and as a couple. This becomes your “relationship contract” that will give you a structure by which to live your life with integrity and stability. Introduce spontaneity and novelty into your relationship from time to time so you don’t feel like you’re living according to a policies and procedures manual and to keep the spark alive.
• Make sure that you both define your particular boundaries around money, household management and domestics/division of labor, sex, monogamy vs. non-monogamy, parenting roles (if applicable), work, friends, family, health, spirituality, the way anger is dealt with, how you spend your time, etc. It may seem like a lot of material to cover, but the more that’s communicated will lessen the opportunity for surprise violations to occur in the future. It’s a great way to learn more about each other too and create further growth as a couple.
• Realize that you and your guy will not always see eye-to-eye on things. It will be important to recognize and appreciate your differences and have systems in place to manage disagreements (eg. fair-fight rules, taking Time-Outs when anger gets unproductive, following the problem-solving process for reaching win/win solutions, practicing forgiveness and compromise, etc.). Communication is key of course! Make sure you’re both well adept in the fine art of active listening to help pave the way toward resolution.
• Boundaries protect your relationship from outside forces as well. Should family or friends try to come between you, even if well-intentioned, always stand by your man and reinforce your commitment to each other. Don’t enable other peoples’ efforts to force their viewpoints and projections onto your relationship.

Conclusion
So whether you’re single and looking for Mr. Right or you’ve already found him, recognize the profound importance boundaries have on your well-being and quality of life. Without them, you’re left in a vulnerable position and can make poor choices that could adversely affect the course of your life. Knowing yourself and standing up for what you believe in can empower you to enjoy life to the fullest and accomplish great things in your relationships.

© 2009 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Quest of the Single Men

“Boyfriend Quest: Defining Your Vision”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction
“Why can’t I sustain a relationship for more than two months?” “Aren’t there any decent guys out there?” These are common questions raised by many single gay men describing their frustration and hopelessness with their dating quests for true “boyfriend material.” Trapped in vicious cycles of unfulfilling dating experiences, many gay men begin to feel powerless, disappointed, and disillusioned. Not only do they begin to lose confidence, but they can even start to succumb to the dangerous stereotypical myth that long-term gay relationships are not possible. “Vision” is one sure-fire way to short-circuit this belief and create opportunities for getting what you most want.

What is Vision?
Vision is a process in which you develop a clear image in your mind of where you’re headed in your life. It acts as a guidepost, providing you with direction as you make efforts to meet your desired goals. It helps to keep you on track and stay clear in your thinking. It can also be motivating and be a good source of tracking for accountability and measuring progress toward your goal. It requires a lot of self-awareness and knowledge; you must know what your needs are specifically and the skills necessary to achieve your successful outcome.

Vision and the Boyfriend Quest
The concept of vision is not a new one. When you contemplate your future in terms of vocation, money, or health, you are applying principles of vision to guide you. Our society does little to train us on how to date healthily, particularly as gay men. Applying vision to the type of man and relationship you’d like to be in can go a long way toward putting a sense of control back in your dating life again. If we put as much energy into developing a vivid image of our intimate relationships as we do with career decision-making, for example, a lot less floundering will occur in the dating world because our relationship choices will be in alignment with our actual needs. We will be less apt to put ourselves in situations or become involved with men who are not in keeping with our needs and values as a result.

Action Challenges
Creating your vision to attract compatible dating partners is a very broad and complex process, but here is a simple exercise to help get you started.

1. Set the tone
Schedule a time where you’ll be free from distractions so you can focus all your energy on the task-at-hand. Do some relaxation exercises to help center you. Close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and rid your mind of all the stresses of your day.

2. Visualize
Let your imagination go and visualize what your lover would be like. If you were to open your eyes and your life could be exactly the way that you would want it to be (with no judgments from others and nothing would stand in the way of your having things be the way you want), life partner and all, what would it look like? Imagine everything and anything about your lover…his personality, appearance, behavior, values, etc. What do you look like and feel like as a result? Let your five senses go wild.

3. Journal
Take out a notebook and pen and write about your visualization experience and what you learned. Ask yourself such questions as: “Who am I?” “What do I want?” “What are my values?” “Who is my potential partner and what does he stand for?” etc. Avoid placing too much emphasis on the “other” in this exercise. It’s essential that you balance this with self-knowledge as well, recognizing what “makes you tick” and what your needs and guiding principles are. Identify potential obstacles that could get in the way along your path to finding Mr. Right and pinpoint resources available to you to help overcome them. Write it all down!

4. Express Yourself
Get creative and create some type of artistic outlet or expression to serve as a symbolic visual representation of your future boyfriend, relationship, or lifestyle. Draw or paint a picture of your vision. Write a poem or a song depicting your vision. Make a colorful poster, collage, or mobile. Let yourself go! And let your creation be a visual reminder and source of inspiration to you!

Conclusion
Developing your vision is a great starting point for creating a roadmap to the man and type of relationship you’re seeking. The important thing to remember is that you CAN take charge of your dating life and make things happen for yourself. Defining your vision helps you to plan, prioritize, and respond effectively to challenges along the way in your dating journey. Give yourself permission to dream! Once you have your vision, your next movement involves developing “next steps” with this knowledge, including designing an action plan.

© 2009 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Dallas Gay Couple Files for Divorce -- in Texas!?

What do you get when a gay Texan files for divorce, when he married someone in Massachusetts?

Confusion.

If this case ends up in the Texas Supreme Court, these gentlemen won't have a prayer. They have a snowball's chance in hell requesting a divorce in such a hostile, conservative environment... especially from a marriage that Texas doesn't recognize as legal anyway.

Herein lies the conundrum of the current gay marriage movement in the United States. One state doesn't have to honor another state's laws and values. You marry someone in Massachusetts, move to Arizona, and you could have one hell of a time getting a divorce if things go awry.

Maybe it's best that there is no divorcing in gay marriages? Perhaps we would take them seriously and critically soul search before entering a gay marriage. Maybe this is a way to really show heterosexuals how it's done right -- take a vow until death do us part, and truly mean it. Hmmm... then again... homicide and suicide rates are high enough as it is.

My First Relationship With an HIV+ Man (Part 3)

My best friend arrived later that evening, and I still could not grasp the profound change that had taken place with just one earlier phone call. My boyfriend decided to go to East Texas and spend time with friends. Meanwhile, sure as the sun sets, my best friend and I paid the liquor store for a bit of 'sorrow medicine' and came to my house.

I looked him in the eye and told him everything from beginning to end. He asked me if I wanted to be told what I want to hear, or what I need to hear. Fair question. I told him to tell me what I need to hear. Boy, did he ever.

First, the fact that my East Texas beau said that they administered the oral swab but never drew blood would raise a huge red flag to anyone that is familiar with CDC mandates. Not me. I was too naive and distraught to understand what was really going on. But after my friend turned my beau's story into swiss cheese, I called him -- but he didn't answer. After two days, I decided to pay a visit to his mother in Longview, TX.

We sat down and she served up some delicious coffee and breakfast tacos. She was a nervous wreck... smoking one cigarette after another. Finally, she gathered her nerves and took a long puff before leveling her eyes on me. Immediately, she said that she had been concerned about him because she discovered some of his meds while cleaning the house. Also, she found out that he had missed several doctor appointments. She then asked me if I knew that he was HIV positive -- as if to convince herself that he really disclosed that to me, and for a moment, I could feel my jaw dragging against the carpet fibers. I quietly answered, "Yes, Ma'am."

Early in the conversation, I realized that he was playing both sides... lying to me and his mother at the same time to hold things together without conflict. I was absolutely mortified at what I was hearing. My best friend beat around the truth, which was -- my boyfriend had HIV for quite some time, and knew it when he entered the relationship with me. He knew he was infected when he had sex with me... over, and over, and over again.

But, love blinded me even further. Once I finally got in contact with him, we had it out. I was so furious with him... but ultimately decided to give him a chance to make things right. My best friend was brimming with lividity, but respected my decision. I fully expected the two of them not to get along for eons to come.

One day, I left for work with everything seemingly okay. I had to work a double shift, so I knew I wouldn't be back home until 6 the next morning. It was a brutal night at work, and when I got home, I was so ready to snuggle up next to him in bed --- only -- he wasn't there. The scent of his hair... empty hangers dangling in the closet... houseplants... dog... everything was gone. He wisped away in the middle of the night; an ominous note left in his wake.

He was too afraid he'd infect me.

I had been dumped because I was HIV negative.

He reunited with his ex-lover, the man who infected him, but it didn't last long. Over the holidays of 2008, he sent me a few text messages... he was getting very sick.

I am a forgiver, but not a forgetter. He said that he had made a terrible mistake... my response?

"Yes, I know."

The problem is... he really could have dumped me out of love. Maybe the power of love is in the giving and not the keeping? Maybe at times when we need it most, we must let it go? *sigh* I guess love's face isn't always pretty, is it?

The lesson for both of us? Before getting back together with an ex-lover... stop and realize why it didn't work the first time before taking them back. It could save a lot of pain and heartache in the times ahead.

Tribulations of Black Men vs. White Men

A week or so ago, a fellow gay, Texan blogger posted a rather interesting comment to my January 14th post entitled "Balancing Act". An exerpt of his comment is as follows:

"Wish you would write a post sometime giving your view on the difference in coming out to your family, black as compared to white. I've read a number of times that it's harder for blacks and that's why many are on the "down low..."

He welcomed my input into this aspect of coming out in a Black family as opposed to a White family with the following question:

"...How is it different, say, if your family is urban, black, and A.M.E., than if they are rural, white, and Southern Baptist?"

Let me offer my belief in the form of an analogy. Your baseball team has been down all game; inning after inning was spent trying to catch up. Now, you are down to the final out. This is your chance to hit a home run, and you step up to the plate.

Now, imagine this same scenario, split, yet happening at the same time with two different batters --- one White, and one Black. The (Caucasian) umpire is "society", and he's just called 3 balls and 1 strike for the White batter. The Black fans in the stands are livid, because they thought ALL of the balls thrown so far were strikes.

In the other split scenario with the Black batter, again the (Caucasian) umpire is "society", and he's just called 2 strikes and 2 balls. Again, the Black fans in the stands are livid, but in this scenario, they are mad because they thought ALL of the balls pitched so far were nowhere close to being strikes.

Which batter do you think is under more pressure to swing and succeed on the very next pitch? The Black.. or White batter? Now, imagine this scenario playing out over generations. Perceptions have morphed and hardened over time, especially in the Black family unit --- and the Black fans in both games are now adamant that what they saw was reality.

In a time where few Black men step up to the plate and be real fathers... in a time where more are in jail than in college... in a time of constantly playing catchup... how would a family feel if they gave birth to a Black man or woman that showed promise -- only to find out they are gay? Already down 1 strike for being Black in this society, strike 2 for being gay/lesbian, many within the Black family unit see 'you' as the game changer... the "One" that can fight against society's hatred and win... propelling the family into a brighter future by bringing forth offspring in your image. The pressure is enormous -- and I speak firsthand.

Perception is a bitch, man... and I by no means am saying it is harder for all Blacks. There are White men and women that went through an unimaginably difficult 'Tribulation'. For those people who are "on the down low", I believe they are firmly planted in the 3rd step of the Tribulation -- Realization. Many Blacks are caught in a delicate balancing act out of fear of losing family members. So are Whites, Latinos, and other ethnicities... but again, the pressure and perception of this particular society, to many Blacks, tips the scale in the other direction.

Forgive me for yet another analogy, but for the most part, a person spends more fuel trying to lift off in a tougher environment with the wind at their face. To me, the urban, Black scenario generally fits this analogy more than a rural, White scenario --- and religion I don't think tips the scales either way, since both could be Southern Baptist and raised in an ultra-religious family structure.

That's my two cents, my friend.. now I'm broke.

My First Relationship With an HIV+ Man (Part 1)

I'm about to open up to you about something that most of my closest friends did not know prior to this post debuting on "The Black Man Next Door". It was the most challenging and darkest hour of my existence, and it's taking everything inside of me to open this door and let some light in.

Picture it... Dallas... February 2008... my initial conversations with a 28-year-old man from East Texas were heating up. You probably know where I'm coming from when I mention how refreshing it is to chat with someone online about ordinary, everyday things.

There are no talks about penis size. There are no questions about 'pitching' or 'catching'. Now granted, hot sex-talk is nearly inevitable at some point leading up to a relationship... but as I progress through my 30s, I find it more and more distasteful to do so before even finding out each others name.

Much to my relief, my newfound East Texas beau and I properly introduced ourselves LONG before getting into any sex talk, and I felt really good talking to him. So, a couple of weeks later, something happened to me that had never happened before. This man actually asked me out on a date, and he offered to make the short drive into Dallas to meet me at Cafe Brazil. We cemented the plans and our first date was on.

Needless to say, things went very, very well... and he decided to move to Dallas so we could truly be together. Then, one day at work, I received a phone call from him. He informed me that he had recently gone to get an HIV test again and this time, it came back positive. I suddenly felt like I was breathing through a straw, and I dropped the phone on the desk.

Granted, I had never had unprotected sex with him -- and HIV isn't the death sentence it used to be -- I was still mortified. Yes, I was scared for myself -- but when tears streamed down my face, they were tears for him. I couldn't imagine what he was going through, and all I wanted to do was hold him. My dear friend and co-worker, nicknamed "Godfather", caught wind that something was amiss and escorted me outside before the waterworks really got out of my control.

This day would be my first encounter with the issue of having relations with an HIV positive man. The dynamics suddenly posed a myriad of challenges for us. The emotions I felt were an elixir of shock, fear, confusion, sadness.... and love. Later that afternoon, he called back and offered me an easy way out. If I wanted to end it right then and there, he expressed his understanding. However, the thought of ending the relationship never crossed my mind... and that's when I knew that my love for him was real.

However, unbeknownst to me at the time, there were darkening clouds swirling around the dynamics of this relationship that neither of us could ignore....

TO BE CONTINUED