The Phone Slave

Okay, now that I've finished up a hot bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, I finally decided to take out my mobile phone and see who's contacted me since yesterday morning. Yes, that's right... a day without answering my phone. A day without returning text messages.

I know, I know -- I hear it every day. I confess that I just plain suck at answering my mobile phone. It's not that I hate the world, or that the person that's calling me has somehow pissed in my milk... rather, some people are slaves to their phones. I'm not.

I work next to a phone that rings constantly for up to 16 hours a shift. I walk two dogs, which leaves no hands available to answer the phone. I mow a 1/2 acre lot almost constantly due to demonically-growing grass/weeds, which makes it far too noisy to hear if someone calls. I commute to and from work, and would rather not plow into an 18-wheeler talking on the phone about a sale at Armani Exchange. I don't have a phone clip to hook my phone into my belt loop and the matching t-shirt that says, "iBitch". It simply means that I have a brave, new world out there that I occasionally explore free from technology.

As I've mentioned before, I'll never understand society's dire need to take calls no matter where they are... especially the guy chatting on his phone from the confines of a stinky bathroom stall. And don't get me started with airline passengers that have to be told 50,144 times to turn their frickin' mobile phones off so we can depart on time.

*sigh* Sheep... mere sheep.

Nonetheless, I tolerate such addictions because we are all different. For those of you who are frustrated with guys like me that don't answer the phone immediately, I humbly ask for reciprocal toleration. Phones are nowhere near the top of my priority list... never have been... never will be. If it's an emergency that can't wait until I check my voice mails and return your call, chances are better if hang up and dial 9-1-1.

I'm a dinosaur... living in the past when there were no mobile phones. Please don't be mad at me or any others like me. It doesn't mean we are cheating, lying, stealing, or in the middle of something... promiscuous. It doesn't mean we are angry, reclusive, or arrogant. It just means that some of us out there are resistant to total assimilation by technology. It's nothing personal... 99% of the time... I swear.

The Double-Edged Sword

*Sigh*... I tell ya... rudeness is infecting society. We all know how this ancient phenomenon is on the rise, but the real question is why?

A fellow blogger's comment on a previous post inspired me to ponder things like why people claim they are online for "Friends" and "Conversation", say 'hello', then drop off the face of the Earth. No follow-up like "How is your day going?"... nothing.

People drive around like bats out of hell, rushing to cut you off so they can imminently slam on the brakes and go below the posted speed limits. Idiots would rather cut across five lanes of traffic, risking a fatal accident to make their exit because they waited to the last minute. Never mind the fact there is another exit just 1/4 mile away.

People shooting their entire family with a pistol and then themselves, rather than just putting the pistol to their own head and leaving the rest of them alone.

The culprit? Technology. Technology has allowed us to produce more, produce it faster, and spoil ourselves into a mode of entitlement. It's also made things that were once difficult to do -- like break up with someone -- much more easier and impersonal. It is brainwashing us in unimaginable ways. Don't believe me? Just look around and count how many people are obsessed with their cell phones. They just HAVE to answer it at all times - in grocery stores, movies, airplanes, hell... even while taking a damned piss. Cock in one hand. Phone in the other.

Technology is such a double-edged sword. The good thing is that it can make life so much easier for us if applied correctly. The bad thing is that it makes being human so much harder. Okay, so let's magically deal with problems without ever having to WORK at them. Let's take out Technology's "Keyboard of Life" and look at a few sitch-e-ations.

Don't have friends? Just log onto a social networking site and amass a throng of no-maintenance, no cost, no frills pseudo-friends. If one slights you, simply hit the DELETE key, and your problem is over. No work, no hassle, no fuss, or... what's that popular line... ahh, yes -- NO drama.

Got a nice guy that's interested in you, but he's just a bit too ugly or short-handed behind the zipper? No problem. Technology's "Keyboard of Life" to the rescue again! Just hit the ESCAPE key; he's toast, and you've made an easy, clean getaway.

Ever notice how some people's age never increases? You saw that same guy online 5 years ago at age 29. Yeah, you know which one I'm talking about... that sexy one - blue shirt with the snaps. Today, he's magically still tenderly 29. Relax, it's no fountain of youth. Whip out technology's "Keyboard of Life" and all of your hangups over age are over. Pick a day out of the year, hit the BACKSPACE key, and do it on that same day every year -- and you can still stay "in the game".

Got a hot guy that you'd just love to "get to know better"? Want to get him to notice you? Well, never fear... the days of having to meet in public first are OVER. Just post outdated photos of yourself on a matchmaking site, and you'll deceive him into your bed, lickety-split. By the time he goes through the trouble of getting toys, lube, condoms, slings, etc... he may be disappointed when he sees your true face, but he's so frickin' horny, he'll just say to hell with it. Press the ENTER key, and well... he will ENTER.

Did you blurt out something via email that you wish to take back? Noooooo problem. Just hit the END key to recall the message, and no harm, no foul. You never have to worry about learning how to smooth things over face-to-face when you communicate something in the wrong way.

Or maybe you just want to ditch a difficult situation and avoid the consequences -- this is something you don't even need the Keyboard of Life for... simply do it via text, and you never have to look that sucker in the eye and witness the carnage of your actions. That's the way to let your fingers do the walkin'!

Humanity is slowly eroding into slavery.... slaves to mindless technology. The next time your day goes from sugar to $hit, just think-- somewhere in the chain of fault lies a piece of technology. Ooops, gotta roll for now -- cell phone is ringing. Somebody's boning me up. Later, bloggers and bloggettes!

Driving with Cell Phones

Okay, look. Does legislation always have to be the first line of defense in tackling this nation's problems? On my way to pick up my friend from the airport today, I passed by a "No Cell Phone" Zone sign. Apparently, my town has passed some sort of ordinance against driving while using cell phones.

The bottom line is... cell phones don't kill people. People kill people. Isn't that what they say about guns? Shouldn't that be what they say about those that put on makeup, eat, look down to turn the radio channel, and even get dressed for work while driving? Where are the "No Eating While Driving" signs? I mean, seriously... there are a TON of possible distractions that could diminish our reaction time while driving -- and this seems to be aimed more at generating revenue than safety.

For me, whether I drive with a cell phone or without one, I usually have only one hand on the wheel. Similarly, there is almost always someone in the car to distract me with their colorful and engaging conversation. Also, I'd like to mention that not a day goes by when I don't see some lady slapping makeup on her face while driving -- probably to audition for the next Joker role in an upcoming Batman film.

Ahhhh, whatever... I guess it's the liberal in me. I just don't like excessive law, rules, and regulations that inherently chip away at one's individual freedoms. Singling out cell phones from countless other potential distractions by using a bunch of gibberish statistics doesn't prove to me that we as a society will be safer with such legislation.