Labels du Jour

Here I am, up and at em' way too early, and without coffee. I figured, what the hell! I can be a versatile writer by blogging and chatting online at the same time! In doing so, it's time for me to admit yet one more flaw... one more Achilles' Heel of the Black Man Next Door. You see, I tend to take things so literally sometimes, that I often miss the true meaning or intent of what is being said. Also, I am HORRIBLE at deciphering acronyms... so chatting can be a dangerous thing for me in more ways than one, and I can easily slip into trouble.

This morning, however, I ran across a "label" that is probably so obvious to everyone else... and maybe the lack of coffee is turning me into a feral, confused man. But what the hell is a "versatile top" or a "versatile bottom"? Don't drop your jaw too far, in my defense, I DO know what a top and a bottom is... (laugh) ... but this is something I call a combination label. Combination labels automatically trigger me to snatch a dictionary and do some research before I broadcast my dumbfoundedness to the world.

Hmmmm... okay, okay... (fingering dictionary pages) the first definition of versatile defines it as one who's capable of or adapted for turning easily from one to another of various tasks, fields of endeavor, etc. In the realm of sex, I can certainly understand "versatile" as a simple label -- one who can flip a coin and be just as content with heads up or tails up. I'm cool with that... however, therein lies my confusion.

What is the point of identifying oneself as a "versatile top"? I guess to me, I fail to see why the simple label of "versatile" doesn't meet the criteria of someone who can and does go both ways. Is this some sort of 2oth century "homo-code" that I'm just now running into? Shit, I hate labels sometimes!! While you enlighten me, I'm going out coffee-hunting before I destroy something.

Have a great weekend and last day of February, everyone! Speaking of last day, tomorrow brings forth the debut of Mr. March. This man, who will pop up at 12:01AM Central Time, has gone through a very rigorous vetting process, and I hope you like!

Gays = Murderers

Okay, the Black Man Next Door LOVES Colorado, but once I ran across the ranting of a certain Coloradoan politician, all I can say is: DAMN! The story is HERE. Of particular interest is the following comment made by State Senator Scott Renfroe:

We are taking sins and making them to be legally OK. That is wrong. I’m not saying this is the only sin out there. We have murder. … We don’t make laws making murder legal.

I must congratulate this idiot for using flawed logic to not only correlate every gay and lesbian to murderers, but to also make this argument over a domestic partner bill. The bill grants UNMARRIED couples very important rights such as those pertaining to medical decisions. So, just so this numb-nut can understand, he's ranting and raving about how homosexuality is a sin as justification for voting against a bill that also includes an untold number of heterosexual couples who are not married.

Besides... laws making murder legal has nothing to do with bills that grant gay/lesbian couples basic rights. Laws dictate that murder is a crime, not a sin, Senator. Laws aren't intended to focus on "Thou Shalt Not Murder", but rather to enforce a religiously neutral moral fabric. Ahhh.... then the comment he made to a local newspaper:

Homosexuality is seen as a violation of this natural creative order and is an offense to God the creator who created men and women, male and female for procreation.

Since this man is so great at playing God, I wonder in what creative order do impotent heterosexual men and women fall into? What about children that are born as intersexuals? Ugh... please, Colorado -- take out the trash!

Crux of Energy

Ahhhh, the time has come to reconcile my personal budget... again. Most of the February bills have come and gone, with the exception of one very important bill -- the energy bill. Being from Texas, I usually don't have to be sitting down with cocktail in hand before I open the electric bill at this time of year. Those hot days of summer are looming ahead!

In a cost-cutting measure at the end of last year, I switched electric providers to a more "environmentally-friendly" Green Mountain Energy. I was paying a whopping 20.3 cents per kilowatt hour with my previous provider. I signed a 3-month deal for a more reasonable 13.4 cents with Green Mountain. Why I was going so long paying a very high rate is quite simple. Like a lot of busy Americans, I got hooked on automatic-payments for damned near everything -- and that served as my lull into a false sense of security. I simply stopped checking my statements every month like a good little Samaritan.

Now that my 3-month contract is up, I received an offer to lock in rates for the next 12 months. I checked their rate tables, and something caught my eye that just pisses me off about energy company practices. As I scanned the table, I noticed that the more energy you gobble up, the cheaper the rate.

The crux of this scenario should be apparent to those who are conscientious about our skyrocketing energy usage and the subsequent environmental impacts. To the Mr. Electric Company, that's a very sound business practice -- encourage people to use more, keep demand up, and keep money flowing into their pockets.

For states who experience brownouts or rolling blackouts on an annual basis due to wasteful energy usage and system overloads, they might want to review this type of business practice... especially in states like California. Perhaps legislature could make a progressive sales tax percentage specific to this industry... say 4% on bills with usage under 700 kilowatt-hours a month... and 11% for those over 700 kilowatt-hours, as a rough example.

Luckily, Texas is the only state in the continental United States that is on its own power grid. I have yet to personally experience this type of situation that Californians are subjected to; but it sucks being "penalized" for not using enough energy.

Beneath the Surface

It's quiet... not much going on at work -- which in a way, ain't good. It's times like this where the daydreaming begins, and now, my thoughts may be considered "weird" by some. Of course, that's okay.... the Black Man Next Door's front door is always open for criticism, ridicule, and spectacle.

Over the past few years, I've gradually jumped back onto the dating raft and floated out over the ocean. It's surface is beautiful, much like the outside appearance of most men can be... but once I suit up and dive into the depths, it's amazing what lies underneath. A man's heart and soul, like the depths of an ocean, is a vast space filled with secrets... wonders... beauties..... and shipwrecks.

Now that I've explored beneath the surface of a few oceans, I've finally embraced the fact that there is something good to be taken from each and every broken relationship. I used to take things with such anger, and always wondered what I did wrong, and why things went down they way they did. The hardest part for me was coming to terms that I can't control everything, nor can I change anyone. In the meantime, I learned what works for me, and what doesn't... and if I didn't have the courage to jump onto the raft, I'd never know what lies beneath the surface in the first place.

The things that we find in the ocean's depths, and in men, can be taken many ways -- depending on who we are as individuals. Some see shipwrecks as beautiful, others see them as... well, wrecks. For me, there are a lot of things I find beautiful about men -- things that lie beneath the surface... and right now, I'm daydreaming of qualities that I feel really bring out the beauty of men.... internal qualities that I would love in a future husband. I'll list just a few:

1. A man that would most likely choose to adapt to his environment, rather than force his environment to conform to his liking. He prefers to use more of a mental/emotional effort to problem solving, rather than physical exertion. In lay-a-man's terms, diplomacy first, swords last.

2. A man that doesn't hesitate to use words such as "thank you", "I'm wrong", and "I'm sorry"... and mean them.

3. A man who respects differences in his partner, and grants a little space to embrace individuality from time to time.

4. A man that enjoys closeness and intimacy... but not to the point where he's literally suffocating you with his arm around your neck in a movie theater.

Okay, seriously... I could go on and on. But, I'll leave room for your input. What are qualities in a man that would make your heart melt? Feel free to add to my list...

Shockwaves

Greetings from deep in the heart of North Texas. Yesterday was a whirlwind of activity in my personal life -- ranging anywhere from a $60 5-minute doctor's appointment to spending 1.5 hours in a courthouse. Hopefully today will be much quieter!

Well, I was saddened to hear that our family's first interracial marriage of 20 years may be coming to an end. As I listened to the news over the phone, my heart went out to my 2nd cousin and his wife. Apparently, he went off to celebrate a birthday in the family... came home to the kids, but no wife -- and her clothes were gone.

I totally understand the emptiness and angst he must be feeling now. I've had two walkouts in my dating tenure, and I feel that it's damned near the worst way to break up with someone... especially when that much time has been put into the relationship. Then again, who knows how their marriage really was.

Just yesterday, a music teacher in Miami, FL shot his wife, 2 daughters, and then himself... a guy that by all neighborly and friendly accounts had forged the "perfect family". It's so scary how reality can be so much different than what we see through our eyes. People seem to be so good at deception nowadays... but sheesh -- abandoning someone you love or killing them outright is something that I could never comprehend... and it only seems to work in the movies.

Society has become so desensitized, sensationalistic, and cynical, hasn't it? How have things gotten to be so bad? Is it technology? Is it changing dynamics of the family unit... parents working more and parenting less? Who knows... but damn, this world is so crazy right now.

Terrorists Watched This Movie?

So, here I am... watching one of my favorite classics of the 1990s - Independence Day. For those of you who don't remember, this was a film headlined with actors such as Will Smith, Vivica Fox, Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, etc.

I figured since I have no running water for a shower right now, what better way to veer off the usual course of my blog topics by pointing something out very interesting in this movie. So anyway, aliens pay us a visit and end up threatening the entire world with technology that is far more advanced than ours.

The United States of America loses three of its most famous cities in the first wave of obliterations: Los Angeles, New York, and Washington, D.C. Above, the mighty Empire State Building was no match for the alien ship's primary weapon.

To the right, the U.S. White House was shattered into burning splinters shortly thereafter... and we even get to see the spreading destruction reach the U.S. Capitol Building and almost claim the life of President Whitmore as he zips away in Air Force One.

Now, as we watched what we thought to be an impossible scenario unfold -- a scene of destruction and chaos, terrorists in the real world were plotting to carry out a heinous attack on two out of three cities that we witnessed being destroyed in Independence Day... New York City, and Washington, D.C. Five years later, 9/11 would happen.. and change the world.

So, I watched just before the attacks happened, David Levenson (portrayed by Jeff Goldblum) makes the drive to Washington, D.C. and ultimately gives the President some life-saving information. As they boarded Marine One, he opens his laptop, which he synchronized with a hidden alien countdown signal. Pictured to the left, this is the time remaining until the attacks would be carried out. The time was running for a second or two on the movie, so I freeze-framed it and snapped a photo for a bit of blog fodder...

Makes you go hmmmmmmmmm.... could this be what gave the terrorists an idea of using 9/11 as a date to attack the United States?

Gay, Single, and Loving It

"Gay, Single, & Loving It"
by Brian Rzepcynzski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
We live in a society that places high value and expectation on being in a coupled relationship and singles are often stigmatized for their single-status. Gay men, in particular, are often labeled as being unable to develop and maintain long-lasting intimate relationships, adding yet another layer to this stigma. This can lead to feelings of low self-worth and inferiority, a sense that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have a boyfriend, an excessive focus and preoccupation with your discontent with being single, and sometimes a compulsive drive to find a relationship just to satisfy that nagging need (which can be a dangerous and sabotaging maneuver if one’s dating practices are conducted out of desperation rather than conscious intention).

For those who have not chosen singlehood as a lifestyle and do long to be in a relationship, this can be a painfully difficult experience. Special occasions, holidays, weddings, times of loneliness, and just witnessing other couples can be very triggering events for singles that serve to magnify their restlessness and unfulfillment with being solo. What these types of single gay men need most is a reassurance and recognition that this phase of life can be one of the most enjoyable and transformational times of their lives if they choose it to be. This article will validate the positive values of being single and will offer some suggestions for making the most of your single life.

The Benefits of Being Single
Singlehood is the time in your life where you have the greatest degree of flexibility and freedom to do whatever you want. You can be more spontaneous, independent, selfish, and adventurous because there can be less commitments and more time to pursue the things you want to do; you can make your life into anything that you want it to be as you’re completely in “the driver’s seat.” You have the ability to enter in and out of situations with relative ease and to meet a variety of new people. You are responsible only for yourself and can make choices and major decisions without having to take another into account or to have to answer to anyone. You don’t have to deal with another’s annoying habits or nuances and don’t have to compromise. Other aspects of your identity (career, family, friends, etc.) can have more emphasis as there’s less competition for your focus and attentions.

More importantly, though, being single puts you in the ideal position for cultivating yourself to reach your fullest potential as an individual. It’s an opportunity for self-exploration and investing in your own personal growth and development. It’s also an ideal time to learn what’s needed to be fully prepared for love when you find it, to experiment safely with your sexuality, and to explore different types of relationships. It’s fertile ground for learning about who you are and what your needs are. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. says it best in his book “Keeping the Love You Find”:

“Singleness would be recognized as a vital stage of the journey
to maturation, a time to learn about who we are, to learn
responsibility and self-sufficiency, to identify our true
desires, and to confront our inner strengths and demons, a time
to make changes in the things that stymie our pleasure and
progress in life, to learn how to connect and communicate on all
levels. It would be sorely needed relationship training.” (1)

Action Steps for Navigating Your Single Life
The following are some practical tips and suggestions for managing your singlehood to promote a positive acceptance and enjoyment of this special time in your life.

1. Create a checklist of the opportunities that being single affords you and start living them!

2. Start a journal about your single-status and what it means to
you. Answer the following questions:

• Why am I single? How do I feel about that?
• What do I want from being single?
• What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors hold me back from being able to embrace this time of my life?
• How do I contribute to my own unfulfillment with being single? How do I sabotage myself?

Don’t deny your feelings or ignore your desire for a relationship. Process these feelings in your journal and write about ways you can create more meaning and purpose in your life.

3. Identify the biggest challenges you face with being single and
develop goals to defeat them.

4. Develop affirmation cards. Grab some index cards and write
positive thoughts, motivational statements, advantages and opportunities of being single, and self-improvement goals onto the cards. Read them to yourself daily to begin internalizing the messages. Alternatively, stick the cards in a jar and during times of loneliness or depressive funks, refer to the cards for a quick pick-me-up.

5. Identify things you’ve always been meaning to do or try but
never made the time to pursue or learn. Take action.

6. Build your support system, join a class, volunteer for a cause
that’s meaningful to you, commit yourself to health and wellness.
Be active. Live your life to the max! Make it count!

Conclusion
As you can see, being single provides you with many opportunities for self-growth, fun, and preparing yourself for your life partner when you eventually meet him. Take advantage of this crucial time in your life to accomplish your life goals, improve your self-esteem, work through any internalized homophobia you may be struggling with, and build your interpersonal skills. It’s important to avoid glamorizing relationships because “the grass is not always greener on the other side” and to realize that having a boyfriend does not take away problems that you may already have in your life. Appreciate this time of your life and don’t measure your happiness or worth as a person on your relationship status.

The Law of Attraction states that we attract situations, people, and experiences in our lives that reflect who we are and what we focus on. Negativity about being single will only mirror, magnify, and attract more negativity. Counter this by taking charge of your single life and crafting it into being the most meaningful and fulfilling time of your life with its alignment to your life vision and purpose. Cheers to your becoming a successful single!

(1) Hendrix, H. (1992). Keeping the Love You Find. New York: Pocket Books/Simon & Schuster, Inc.

© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the
FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Natural Intentions

Today, a relative of mine emailed me a rather weird question regarding homosexuality... and I'm a bit caught off guard because I didn't know she had any interest in my sexuality whatsoever. Essentially, she wanted to know what purpose do I believe gay men serve in this world, if being gay is natural.

I'm not sure of her intentions, but for now, her email is marinating in my queue... waiting for a response. After spending the better part of the afternoon thinking about it, I can see how homosexuals have such a huge hill to climb in order to forge and maintain relationships that go deeper than one-night stands or fuck buddies. Mother Nature has set up such a complicated rule-set between males and females of nearly every species. Knowing if one man is interested in a woman is mostly through non-verbal communication... body language... all in the name of procreation; survival of the species; an ever-strengthening line of evolutionary traits.

But what about gays and lesbians? While heterosexual males in most species compete with each other for the right to seed a woman with his legacy, we homosexicals are busy competing with each other for the right to provide and be provided with "happiness".. something that's in the eye of the beholder. Since we have no need to attract each other in order to procreate, one could argue that we are Mother Nature's weapon to maintain balance by stemming overpopulation. Ahhh... a win-win deal with Mother Nature.

While there are 12-year-old English boys impregnating 15-year-old girls, and a mother of 6 children in California being implanted with 8 embryos -- we are here to help Mother Nature stave off overpopulation. In return, she provides us with all the 'accessories' we need to be happy in our role.

While 1.2 out of every 3 heterosexuals are saying until death do us part, only to divorce a relatively short time later -- we are here to make them appreciate their ability to get married and have children, all while calling them out on what "family values" are when a mother in Houston, Texas drowns her babies in a bathtub... or a mother in Plano, Texas cuts her baby's arms off because God told her to. As Mother Nature's ambassadors, we remind heterosexuals that they are not without flaw... and the prism of normality has many faces depending on which side is lit. In exchange, Mother Nature provides us with hypocritical, hetero-hilarious headlines of entertainment to stuff our blogs with the healing power of laughter.

While heterosexual men are on Mars... alone, homosexual men are on Venus -- right along with heterosexual women... providing the female half of our species hope that not all males are assholes who simply don't understand them. As Mother Nature's emissaries, we provide females with an additional emotional support network. In exchange, Mother Nature gives us 'fag hags' for added dimension and color to our lives.

Natural Intentions. We are here to stay... in a symbiotic relationship with our heterosexual counterparts. They replenish our population. We strive to make our world a better place for ALL. That, my fellow bloggers and bloggettes, is the response my 'curious' relative will receive. A little bit of spice on in, but hey... what can I say... I get one free "Be a Beeeyotch" card per week, so I'm using it on this post.

The Moral Tug of War

The anniversary of one of the darkest moments in my life has now come and gone. It's not nearly as painful as it used to be, and nowadays, it just serves as a milestone... a milestone to remind me that there is always something to learn from setbacks.

Years ago, just after closing on my brand new house, I was herded into an office and unceremoniously handed my walking papers. I had just found out that an old friend of mine had committed suicide, and later on that evening, my house's main circuit breaker blew out -- costing hundreds of dollars that I soon wouldn't have. When it rains, it pours right?

Aside from my own struggles, I learned that one of my good friends knew I was on the list to be laid off. He also knew I was getting a new house. I remember the look on his face to this day... the look of a tormented, young, Republican father and husband. Our friendship had gotten onto the fast track, despite our vast differences... and when he admitted that he knew, he fought back the tears and apologized profusely.

At the time, I was fighting my own emotions -- oblivious to the fact that my friend was caught in the middle of a moral tug of war. I didn't know if I could forgive him, but being as diplomatic and non-confrontational as possible, I accepted his apology. Now, I'm so glad that I didn't take the lash-out-with-anger approach.

You see, it turns out that the boss lady told him not to reveal the list of the axed. She never told him he'd be fired if he did, but I could only imagine being forced to weigh the possibility of not being able to provide for your spouse and child vs. a really good friendship. To him, it was obvious to choose maintaining his job over our friendship... and I know it must have been the most difficult thing he ever had to do by keeping that information from me. He knew that I could very well lose my house after my job. But still, he couldn't risk his job, so he had to keep me in the dark... and thus, I was blindsided when the day came.

A moral tug of war... loyalty vs. truth... that's what he was faced with. Right vs. Right dilemmas are so damned tough to unravel, aren't they? The Anti-Choice vs. Pro-Choice dilemma... the death penalty debate... there are so many "right vs. right" arguments that have existed for so long because both sides have a valid premise.

Nevertheless, although that day was filled with lots of bad things -- I came away with a very positive message. I believe there's always something valid behind the reason people do the things they do... act the way they act... are the way they are. Ignorance is just a matter of ignoring the question of "why".... and things are almost never what they appear to be.

Credit Crunch Berries, Part 2

So, as some may recall from a previous post, I wrote to Capital One regarding the change of terms I received. Just to hammer home the point of how impersonal these companies are, I am posting the original letter I submitted to them -- followed by their subsequent response.

Just take a moment to soak in the vapors of their idiotic reply... and they wonder why some of us want them to sink into the abyss. When they do, I hope the underlings find employment elsewhere as quickly as possible. I don't want any hard-working, honest person to lose their jobs. But, the people at the top need to learn a very important lesson.

Original Letter:

As a loyal customer who has always made timely payments (often above
minimums), I am truly disheartened to learn that my purchase rate is
going up by 70% in less than 3 months from now.

Through no fault of my own, your decision has forced me to critically
analyze your commitment to your best customers. I realize you have a
business to run. However, I am shocked that you are targeting customers
who not only bring you good business, but cause no problems for you. To
make it even more difficult for these customers to pay down their
balances and risk losing them altogether makes no sense to me.

Reluctantly, I have no choice but to close and immediately pay off my
Capital One account. I will follow the procedures you have outlined in
your mailer. I just wanted your company to know how disappointed I am to
receive these change of terms.

Sincerely,

Kevin

-------------------------------------
Capital One Response:

February 10, 2009 07:32 PM
Subject: Re: Account terms (fees, APR, etc.)
Message: Dear Kevin,

Thanks for contacting us about your Capital One account.

Thank you for making us aware of your situation.

You are a valued customer and we thank you for choosing Capital One.

If you have questions, please respond to this email or our Customer
Service Representatives are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at
1-800-955-7070.

Sincerely,

Capital One Services, LLC.
-------------------------------------
Now, how would you feel about getting a half-ass reply such as this? Would you feel like a valued Customer? This is a 'stock' response, pieced together to the point where it doesn't really address me or my issue. Ha... what's in my wallet? Not a Capital One card! My dogs Dirk and Yani are using the sum bitch as a chew toy.

Echelon of Hate Crimes, Part 2

One of the biggest jolts of culture shock I ever received was when I attended Texas A&M University back in the early 90s. Not only was it an immediate transplant into a "country-style" culture, but I was tossed into the ring of issues that I'd never really dealt with in my adolescence.

I already felt like a fish out of water just living in Texas... and A&M was like the fillet knife, ready to gut my innards at any time. My first days in school were spent getting acclimated to my new surroundings. I remember walking past old dormitories with Confederate flags draped from the windows. Confederate flags? I vividly remember asking one of my new friends, "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Then came the big debate on whether the flags were heritage or hate. From there, the debate spiraled into what constitutes hate crimes... and further downhill to the point that hate crimes are a violation of free speech. Huh?? Seriously. Did I miss something here? Eventually, my Republican, White counterpart -- who by all means was a very nice guy... and HOT -- honed in on freedom of religious speech. This all came to be when I not only used my 'Blackness' as an example, but my sexuality, too.

He felt that while homosexuality was "okay" with him, people that disagree with it could be accused of inciting violence if they preached their views... especially pastors in church. Why penalize a religious figure for his thoughts and beliefs? Essentially, hate crime laws would be sequestering his freedom to speak as he chooses. I listened to him... perhaps mesmerized by his green eyes, dirty blond hair, and preppy gear. I couldn't volley a response, because quite frankly, I felt it was a good point at the time.

Now, after life has 'hardened' me up a bit, I absolutely disagree with him in retrospect. To my understanding, hate crimes zero in on hate-driven violence... so as long as a pastor is not actually inciting and encouraging violence against the homosexual community, he should have the right to throw fire and brimstone from his pulpit until he's blue (or black) in the face.

So now, I'm curious. Does anyone actually agree with my Republican friend? Does anyone agree that hate crime laws inhibit freedom of religious speech? Can anyone vindicate my hot college-era friend?

Echelon of Hate Crimes, Part I

Ladies and gents... this is one tired Black Man Next Door! Today has been a whirlwind of events, and they aren't quite over. Work has been somewhat busy, toiling away with co-workers of all different walks of life - race, religion, nationality, and sexual orientation.

The melting pot of a harmoniously working team of underlings sparked me to write about times where those differences actually make people clash. Last summer, a gay man was savagely beaten in the gayborhood of Dallas by two hetero-thugs looking for trouble. (Story HERE) The DA's office opted not to pursue this as a hate crime, which enraged many in our community.

Hate crime... issuing a higher echelon of punishment to offenders motivated by hatred or contempt for a certain "group" of people. This is one issue that I've straddled the fence on for quite some time now. It may be shocking to hear this from a Black, gay blogger... but it's true. Ultimately, I am for hate crime legislation, but I acknowledge holes.. problems.. concerns about my stance that need alleviating.

This will more than likely be a four-part post, as there are many aspects of hate crimes that I want to touch on and ping you for your thoughts. First and foremost, aren't all violent crimes an expression of hatred toward another human being? For example: Four White men driving on Peace Street witness a man savagely beating his wife, stop the car, assail him, drag him into the street, and beat him within an inch of his life... staining the concrete with his blood. What is driving their actions? If it's not a strong, negative emotion like hatred... why not simply restrain the man until the cops arrive? But say they didn't... they make this man their bitch.

The real deal to chew on is that this would not be considered a hate crime, even if they know this guy, and have in fact hated the man's guts since the day they met him. Why? Because they are ALL White. If a man brutally rapes a woman, screaming "Bitch! Bitch! Whore! Slut!"... wouldn't you consider that an act of hatred? Communities should shun and fear this type of violent activity regardless of demographics... and I am not totally sure that crimes against a certain demographic instill greater fear than the examples of crimes I just described above. Bottom line... part of me believes that all violent crimes should receive the highest echelon of punishment possible.

Anyone have any thoughts about whether or not hate crimes deserve a higher level of punishment?

Interraciality, Part II

I hope everyone is enjoying this Saturday morning of late February. I'm enjoying my ritualistic ceremony of coffee with 2 creams, 2 sugars, 3 stirs, and a napkin. It's going to be a busy morning, but I'm taking pause to continue my thoughts on "Interraciality".

To this day, I believe one of the best interracial couples to grace American television was that of Keith and David on Six Feet Under (2001-2005). David Fisher, portrayed by Michael C. Hall, is a funeral director; Keith Charles, portrayed by Mathew St. Patrick, is a police officer. It was one of the most interesting relationship dynamics that I've ever watched, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.


It's amazing that the 21st century is now in full swing, and there is still a painful lack of homosexual, interracial couples gracing our television sets and movie screens -- hell, gay/lesbian couples, period. Not only that, but our community needs representative couples that aren't simply props for flaming comic relief, or mere sidekicks and villains in predominantly heterosexual settings. I yearn for them to be an integral part of the story as three-dimensional characters, like all gays and lesbians are. I truly feel that this will really help provide the audience the sense of understanding that each and every one of us has yet to receive from society at large.

Right off the bat, I knew that Six Feet Under was going to pull the rug off of a myriad of stereotypes... especially toward the Black, gay man. The relationship between David and Keith starts in a church... not a bar, club, or Pride parade. Something that many of us can actually identify with! Refreshing!

Keith attended West Point Military academy and served on a police force for 9 years before going into private security. He definitely has issues with anger management, but the show twists this quality into something that we, the audience, can empathize with -- albeit in a dark, uncanny way. Like, for instance, he ends up violently beating the stuffing out of a guy during a domestic violence call. *grin* (I'm wondering if he can provide services to R&B singer, Rhianna! chris brown needs a good can of Africanized WHOOP ASS!)

Then, you have David Fisher... once a young, Republican. He kept his sexuality in the closet for a time, and was even so confused as to get engaged to a woman. David also took his deceased father's position as a deacon at a church that shunned homosexuality.

Not even Queer as Folk invoked such a clash of three dimensional, believable qualities of character. Keith and David are examples of a deep, critical analysis of the human psyche... not just touching on the umbrella of gay issues like other shows and movies do.

When these two fine-ass men intertwined, you could really feel the clash... the conflict... and your heart really wraps around them. They break up and kiss up several times, but they never really ran away from each other. There was this sense that they knew this was a foundation for something greater, and they worked on it through counseling.

The David-Keith relationship resonated a message that I thought gay/lesbians of the Millenials, Gen-Y, and even Gen-X should really ponder. Too many of us cut and run when the going gets tough because it's so easy. We affect other lives with each and every thing we do, whether we like it or not. In this ever-crazy world of darkness, hatred, war, bigotry, and violence -- when we do come across something good, we shouldn't expect 'perfection on a platter'. The sweetness of perfection is striving for it, not necessarily attaining it... much like a forbidden fruit.

If you haven't seen Six Feet Under, I highly recommend it! If you know of other excellent portrayals of gay, interracial relationships on the tele-waves, let the Black Man Next Door know!

Interraciality, Part I

The other night at a local gay club, while I was enjoying a celebration for one of my fag hag's professional achievements, I had just enough cocktails to get out on the dance floor. Another one of my female friends joined me out there, and as we swirled away to 80s dance music, I noticed two men off to my left. They clicked so well together, dancing like intertwined birds... arms and hands draped over each other... eyes locked onto one another as if communicating by some extrasensory means.

Now, you're probably saying.. "Kevin, it's a gay bar with guys all over the dance floor. What's the big deal?" Just tie your wings up for a second, I'm getting there. You see, these weren't just two every day gaybirds dancing in the pale moon light. One of them was a 5'10" White guy, dressed like the guy-next-door. The other, a 6' or so Black guy, dressed like the guy-next-door... and there were NO other paired-up dancers like that in the whole joint. Both of them looked as though they walked straight out of the office and onto the dance floor.

Now, you're really scratching your head.. "Kevin, interracial couples are out all the time, and it's a common thing nowadays. After all, the 1960s are long gone." Maybe in your neck of the woods, but...

To that, I say, "Wrong."

I have long walked the streets here in this Texas metropolis called Dallas/Ft. Worth, and you'd be surprised how rare it is to see any interracial couples walk down "rainbow avenue"... much less dancing together in a club. In these parts, out of all racial combinations that you would see on occasion, White-Black 'interraciality' seems to be one of the rarest dynamics. Anyway, as my fag hag twirled me around on the dance floor, I was completely mesmerized. I tried not to make it obvious that I was staring at them, but it was the most refreshing sight that I've ever seen at The Mining Company gay club.

Perhaps somewhere deep in the recesses of your brain, you are asking me "Why?"... Hmmmm, probably because in all my years of dating, I've heard so much about the stigmas of "interraciality", be it homo- or heterosexual. I've had everything from religious beliefs to statistics thrown in my face, and my past failed interracial relationships only bolster those statistics.

But that night, on that dance floor, I felt the energy of two soul mates of interraciality... and it was strong. Love really does have no color, and I walked off of the dance floor smiling, tipsy, and hopeful.

Boundaries for You and Your Guy

"Boundaries For You & Your Guy”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction
Have you ever skipped going to the health club one day because you just absolutely had no motivation to get all sweaty and tired? Or what about gorging on a half-gallon of ice cream to cope with your stress? Ever leave the mall wondering what the heck you were thinking maxing out your credit card? Do you work more hours at your job than need be? These are situations where a boundary violation of the self has occurred and we’ve all been there.

Boundaries are the limits we set around ourselves to keep safe, centered, and accountable. They are usually drawn from our values and they define who we are and what we will and won’t accept in our lives to keep our integrity and well-being intact. The more aligned our behavior is with our defined boundaries, the more balance and harmony we tend to experience in our lives. When we act outside the confines of our boundaries, our self-esteem can take a hit and we actually can create a whole host of other stressors that will disrupt us and leave us feeling badly and out-of-integrity. It is human nature to stumble outside our boundaries from time to time, but when it becomes a way of life, underlying issues may be at play that will require some attention and intervention to avoid ongoing conflicts in one’s life.

Not only do we have self-imposed boundaries, but boundaries also pertain to our relationships. A healthy relationship is comprised of two men with a solid sense of self and identity. Boundaries help protect the partners of a couple from abuse or outside influences of others. They help create a sense of security in the partnership, allowing safe communication of needs and feelings between the partners that helps to solidify a positive connection and intimacy. Boundaries help cement what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate conduct both within and outside the context of being a couple and help to define who you are and what you stand for as life partners.

Boundaries & Relationship Types
Here’s an illustration as to why boundaries are important to your relationship. Take out a piece of paper. At the top of the page, draw two circles on opposite sides of the page. This represents the type of relationship where the couple identifies themselves as a pair, however they have little connection with each other and live parallel lives with minimal contact, sharing, or interaction that would support an intimate commitment. This relationship exhibits boundaries that are too strong to allow closeness and which there’s too much separateness and division between the two men. Little will grow from this except more of a “roommate feeling” and dissension. This style has too much individual identity.

In the middle of the page, draw two circles with one on top of the other. This relationship type is called enmeshed, where the couple is practically one whole. You are your partner; you live and breathe your partner with very little independence and individuality. You are merged together so completely that you lose your sense of self because you’re so fused and any perceived threat that exists to your relationship is thought of as devastating. The problem with this relationship style is that partners can feel suffocated and overly-dependent on each other; controlling behaviors are not uncommon and you can feel restricted and trapped. This style has too much couple identity.

At the bottom of the page, draw two circles that are mildly intertwined at the sides. This is a healthy relationship where the partners are slightly merged. There is a healthy balance of separateness and togetherness. The couple is flexible, honoring their uniqueness as individuals and their shared connection as partners. Because of this balance, “fresh air” is constantly being breathed into the relationship, revitalizing it and making it exciting, unlike the staleness of the former relationship type where everything is about the other person. This style works because the boundaries aren’t too rigid or loose and they take into account that healthy relationships have both individual and couple identities. This is what you want to shoot for!

Boundary Violations In Gay Relationships
We’ve talked about self-oriented boundary violations like straying from your diet or cheating on a test. Violations in your relationship with your partner can be particularly damaging, however, as they can diminish your trust in each other and cause significant conflicts and emotional distance that can tear down the foundation of commitment you’ve built. Again, it’s human to stray from our boundaries at times, but when it becomes pervasive and isn’t talked about with your partner to try and remedy it, serious consequences can arise.

Here are some examples of common boundary violations in relationships to give you a better idea of what we’re talking about:

• You drink too much at the bar with your friends and flirt with all the men near you while your partner is away on business
• Your partner pressures you to experiment with sexual practices you’re not comfortable with
• You don’t stick up for your partner when your family badmouths him
• Your partner makes other things, like work or his hobbies, more of a priority than spending quality time with you
• You don’t voice your opinions about the way you would like things to function in your relationship and then harbor feelings of resentment toward your partner when he makes all the decisions
• Your partner strays from your monogamous relationship by cheating with someone he met on the Internet
• Negativity, jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, lying, withdrawal, blaming…these are also “red flags”

And the list goes on and on! It is only a violation if either of you behave in a way that contradicts the relationship vision or mission that the two of you should have and should continue to be co-creating from the inception of your partnership. Communication of your expectations and values is critical from the very beginning of your relationship and should continue to be re-visited periodically to ensure you both are still “on the same page”. Your relationship and the players involved in it will grow and change, which is a normal part of your maturation, and you’ll need to be open to this and make revisions to your original “contract” as necessary.

Tips For Boundary-Setting Success

• As an individual, determine whether you struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships and life in general. Difficulties with boundaries can come from many sources, including: being raised in a dysfunctional family where unhealthy boundaries were modeled, low self-esteem, lack of individual identity and codependency, poor assertiveness and social skills, being in an abusive or toxic relationship, being easily guilt-prone, having addictions of any kind, having power/control issues, getting a sense of validation for catering to a relationship partner, etc. Try to identify where your struggles with boundaries originate and keep track of what triggers your self-sabotaging behavior. Work aggressively at overcoming these personal hurdles to promote a more solid and confident sense of self.
• Take a class on assertiveness training or get some counseling to help you build skills in identifying your needs and feelings and how to directly express them without guilt or qualification.
• As a couple, plot out a relationship mission statement that specifies your values and expectations for behavioral conduct as individuals and as a couple. This becomes your “relationship contract” that will give you a structure by which to live your life with integrity and stability. Introduce spontaneity and novelty into your relationship from time to time so you don’t feel like you’re living according to a policies and procedures manual and to keep the spark alive.
• Make sure that you both define your particular boundaries around money, household management and domestics/division of labor, sex, monogamy vs. non-monogamy, parenting roles (if applicable), work, friends, family, health, spirituality, the way anger is dealt with, how you spend your time, etc. It may seem like a lot of material to cover, but the more that’s communicated will lessen the opportunity for surprise violations to occur in the future. It’s a great way to learn more about each other too and create further growth as a couple.
• Realize that you and your guy will not always see eye-to-eye on things. It will be important to recognize and appreciate your differences and have systems in place to manage disagreements (eg. fair-fight rules, taking Time-Outs when anger gets unproductive, following the problem-solving process for reaching win/win solutions, practicing forgiveness and compromise, etc.). Communication is key of course! Make sure you’re both well adept in the fine art of active listening to help pave the way toward resolution.
• Boundaries protect your relationship from outside forces as well. Should family or friends try to come between you, even if well-intentioned, always stand by your man and reinforce your commitment to each other. Don’t enable other peoples’ efforts to force their viewpoints and projections onto your relationship.

Conclusion
So whether you’re single and looking for Mr. Right or you’ve already found him, recognize the profound importance boundaries have on your well-being and quality of life. Without them, you’re left in a vulnerable position and can make poor choices that could adversely affect the course of your life. Knowing yourself and standing up for what you believe in can empower you to enjoy life to the fullest and accomplish great things in your relationships.

© 2009 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Eye for an Eye

An eye for an eye... an ancient phrase that many of us are very familiar with. I was just getting showered and ready for work when I came across a darkly interesting article.

The story of an Iranian woman blinded by acid certainly drives home the point that there are really cruel people out there. Click HERE for the full story.

There is one thing that bothers me about what the victim said, and don't take this as an attack or an effort to demonize her -- but rather, a somewhat obscure phenomenon pertaining to capital punishment. It is happening around the world... from America to Iran... and not only do I see it in victims, but politicians as well.

Here in Texas, home of former President George W. Bush, his words as governor still ring in my head. At the time, Texas was #1 in exacting the death penalty -- and to this day, I'll bet my left nipple it still is. However, when confronted with that sombering statistic, Bush continuously used words like "justice". Never did he, nor other death penalty supporters, use words like "revenge" or "vengeance". Indeed, such words ring of barbarism and other thematic evils. In the story of Ameneh Bahrami, she states:

"I don't want to blind him for revenge. I'm doing this to prevent it from happening to someone else."

Now, let's review the definition of revenge, as queried from Dictionary.com:

1. to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, esp. in a resentful or vindictive spirit: He revenged his murdered brother.

2. to take vengeance for; inflict punishment for; avenge: He revenged his brother's murder.

The bottom line is that capital punishment is revenge. It is vengeance. She did nothing wrong whatsoever, and I sincerely empathize with her.... and yes, it's only natural to resent the guy for what he did. If by some ethereal means, she doesn't resent him whatsoever, I certainly admire her for that. However, I'm sure the society that is pouring the acid more than makes up for the resentment that Ms. Bahrami may not have.

Nonetheless, I do wish we'd just call this what it is. Oh, by the way... I doubt this will prevent some other crazy nut in Singapore, Canada, the United States, Italy, et al. from robbing an innocent person of their eyesight... only the vile, disgusting man that took her eyesight away.

Why is it so difficult to admit revenge when it is exacted? Does it make us a barbaric species? You damned right it does... and it should... because we are. Nevertheless, I wish Ameneh Bharami and other victims of such brutal crimes all the best in life. I always hope that these punishments bring the sense of "closure" that they are intended to provide.

Dude, Where's My Plumber?

Imagine one day, you are sitting at your computer and reading this blog. The sunshine is bright. The coffee is strong. All is right with the world... until you hear the loudest, most awful sound of moaning, twisting metal erupting from somewhere in your bathroom.

Within minutes, water starts gushing onto your bathroom floor. Who do you call? This construction worker pictured to the left? How about a preacher that proclaims that it is the word of God that the Earth will not flood again -- and that it's a sin to reverse the Lord's work?

Well guess what... you call a plumber, and the next thing you know, there are dozens of people showing up at your front door. You see a dentist, a teacher, a lawyer, and a vast array of people that don't know diddly-squat about your home, issues, or needs. To your disappointment, a plumber is not in the crowd.

This scenario, albeit extreme, is what I feel like when I read the comments of people who truly know NOTHING about what being a homosexual is like. And sorry, just because you know of a "two-story house" on Elm Street, doesn't mean the "two-story house" on Main Street is anywhere close to being the same. I liken them to the house shopper that looks at the outside to determine a home's true value. They walk around the perimeter and suddenly, they know everything they need to know regarding the house being "right" or "wrong".

There are so many intricacies to the "house of homosexuality", but the most important part is its foundation. Each and every homosexual's foundation was laid on different soil. Some soils shift, while others are firmly set... reacting with nature, or rather, their external environment. Each and every home, like a homosexual, has its own personality. Some are frat houses. Some are party homes. Some are plantation homes, waiting for slavery to become legal again --- yearning for a fresh coat of racist paint.

Look... there is so much to learn about a homosexual, just like a home. The value goes much deeper than someone's anatomical parts. After all, believe it or not, these "house shoppers" may want to consider the fact that there are many homosexuals who aren't promiscuously screwing everything that walks. Yes, THAT part is a choice. We are the everyday, good ol' American home lining good ol' American streets just like everyone else. Our roofs need new shingles. Our yard needs mowing. Our pipes occasionally burst... and we need a PLUMBER, not a PREACHER who truly understands our structure, character, and foundation.

So, enough of the pseudo-plumbers who think they are the God that knows anything and everything about something they are NOT. I am but a house waiting for the right person to be a home to... just like my heterosexual counterparts. Some homes let multiple people inhabit their innards. THAT part is a choice. Other homes let one special person live inside. THAT part is a choice, too; but, if the foundation of homosexuality is choice, not orientation -- then why aren't we attracted to EVERYONE of the same sex? After all, we can just pick and choose whoever we want to be attracted to, and POOF... instant erection, right?

Nah... sorry, Game Over. Insert Coin(s). This isn't a video game. This isn't a shower, where you can just simply turn the knob and have attraction, desire, yearning, and love for a hot man; turn the knob for a refreshing, cool, invigorating, and insatiable hankering for a woman.

Rather, it's the same reason why each and every heterosexual is not attracted to EVERY member of their opposite sex. It's not their choice.. it just IS. This is also applicable to every gay and lesbian "house" resting upon their own foundation... lining the streets of America...and the world for that matter, waiting for that special friend, lover, or companion to open their doors to and help them understand and enjoy what's inside.

Now, if you truly want to know me, come on over. Just don't turn on my sink, because I'm still waiting for my damned plumber... and his name is NOT Joe.

War of the Christians

Ahhhh, something just happened to me that hasn't happened in months! No, I'm not talking wet dreams... rather, I woke up to the sounds of birds chirping... pigeons cooing... one giant chorus outside of my ever-brightening bedroom window. So anyway, while the coffee is brewing in the kitchen, I figured I'd take this opportunity to decorate this small corner of cyberspace with a few thoughts.

You see, last year, I ventured to this new social networking site called Facebook. On there, I started connecting with all sorts of friends, new and old. I forged most of those friendships right here in Texas. But recently, one of my friends resurfaced after a few years, and she has been on my mind ever since I posted "Within These Walls" on February 16th.

Whether she knew this or not, she had a profound effect on me. She gave me a fresh perspective on things, especially religion. In fact, there have been a lot of people... heterosexual, die-hard Christian men and women I've met in recent times that have really helped me understand what's going on in the world.

There's a social war currently in progress... a World War III... a War of the Christians; homosexuals have long been caught in the middle. Even though many of us identify as Christian, we are still their ultimate manifest destiny. We are the "Kashmir" of India, China, and Pakistan. We are the "oil of Iraq". We represent something that two other parties are fighting over. They are fighting over a coveted resource I truly believe all people of faith ultimately need... and that is self-validation.

For the purpose of this post, my newly found lady friend belongs to the side I call "Angelics". The other side is filled with people that go into homo-oriented blogs and assail us with their perspective on what's right and what's wrong... hurling Bible passages at us like Molotov cocktails. Yet, they fail to see why so many homosexuals are angry with them. As a response, some of us lash back with sometimes hateful responses. Texas is literally infested with this type of Christian, whom I term the "Battlers".

War of the Christians: Angelics vs. Battlers

Now, not all Battlers yell, scream, and approach homosexuals with guns blazing. Some of them can be coy, cool, collected, and calculating -- with deadly precision. These types of Battlers move around in stealth mode, dropping landmines in an effort to blow us up piece by piece. First a leg... then an arm; our heart; a thigh; a breast; a wing -- you get the idea.

Ahhh, yes -- Battlers in stealth mode. They pass out fliers... they cruise through gay neighborhoods on "peaceful missions of conversion"... they attempt to alter legislation. Essentially, they confront homosexuality via physical means. They believe by forcing God's word onto us, that will somehow "cure" us of our afflictions and give us the chance to repent, or go to Hell.

Meanwhile, the Angelics, although many of whom empathize with Battlers, take a starkly different approach. They confront homosexuality with the attempt to understand and respect our differences. In reaching out with their olive branches, from time to time, they will invoke their beliefs through indirect suggestions. "Come check out my church this Sunday." "There's this guy in Bible Study that I may think is actually gay. Help me find out." Long story short, they "pray" for us while standing by our side. As such, you'd never see a Battler and a homosexual going to gay bars together... drinking, dancing, laughing, and just having a good, honest time... only Angelics.

Angelics believe that the key to getting people to love God is not by damning them to Hell... stone-casting... rewriting Constitutions... and such. Additionally, they believe that homosexuals are the moral stepping stones Battlers need to quench an insatiable appetite for self-rightousness. They feel that the Battlers are attacking us with words in a subtle attempt to validate themselves, even though Angelics aren't aware that they need to be validated from time to time as well.

Nevertheless, Angelics are generally confident in their own skin and beliefs, and don't feel the need for "pounce and conquer" tactics. So, it's safe to theorize that Angelics tend to indirectly take the "kill homosexuality with kindness" approach. Hence, this is the source of this two-front War of the Christians, and the stains of our blood coat a violent battlefield.

The homosexual's conundrum spawned when there became a need for everyone to co-exist in order for the greater whole to survive. Now, I believe it's vital for the gay community to build bridges, even with those who disagree with our sexual orientation -- or what some like to refer to as 'lifestyle'. For that, the Angelics are the surest bet we have in accomplishing that goal. If there is ever to be gay marriage or rights at the American federal level, it will be at the political hands of Angelics. However, we can only stand halfway on the bridge. If the Battlers would rather blow that bridge up, then there's nothing more we can do with them.

I guess that's why I have only befriended Angelics - and somehow, someway, they manage to stay in my life... walk with me side-by-side in our similarities and our differences. Angelics are the reason I believe that not all heterosexual, die-hard religious, and/or Republican people are out to utterly crush us in this life and beyond.