The Holy Shell Game

My hiatus from Texas continues, as I am thoroughly enjoying a well-needed vacation. Now that I'm 72 hours removed from the esteemed American Bible Belt, I can look at it with a bird's eye view and really understand why I hate living there.

I remember having a rather heated conversation with a co-worker regarding religion and spirituality. Although she is a very nice lady, she just couldn't understand how I could go from being a Baptist to a person that claims to just be 'Spiritual'. In her view, 'Spiritual' people are going to hell because we are essentially rejecting the Almighty. You know the rest... repent for being a cocksucker, blah blah blah... burning in hell... blah blah blah... lake of fire... blah blah blah.

Mmmmm hmmmmm. So, what is my problem with religion? It's simple, really. It would seem that every 'one-God' religion shuns upon us idolizing other Gods, and thus, idolatry is like a Level 5 sin. Okay, my dear, sweet lady... so how do you know that 'The Lord' is the correct one to idolize? How do you know you aren't being tricked by some dubious Demon or Devil into thinking your God is the right one to worship? Is the correct God the one that hates fags? Is the correct God the one that so many wars of oppression, affliction, and violence have been waged over? How do you know that you aren't straying away from Allah, or Raheem, or Khalil, or Holy Rock, or some other nutwing that claims to be the way of 'God'?

You don't. Neither do I. As such, I find the safest course of action is to adhere to the belief that there is a higher power... I just don't know His/Her/Their/It's name... and truthfully, it doesn't matter to me. What does matter to me is that I live the best possible life that I can. I treat others with respect and dignity. I do good things. I love others, regardless if they hate me. I try to make the world a better place. If your God will send me to Hell anyway, since I suck dick and all, then which of us truly has morals? Your God.... or your friendly cocksucking co-worker?

Prohibition Sunday

So, Sundays continue here in Texas without hard liquor sales. About 10 days ago, a survey went out regarding legislation that currently prohibits Texas stores from selling hard liquor on Sundays. Apparently, the overwhelming majority of 400 voters were opposed to overturning that legislation.

Mind you, bars can sell hard liquor drinks seven days a week; still, many people felt that didn't justify the need to have stores sell hard liquor seven days a week, though. Plus, when the voters were informed that New Mexico saw a steep rise of alcohol-related fatalities after their legislation was repealed, even more Texas voters opposed overturning legislation.

Now for the Black Man Next Door's spin on this issue. First and foremost, I'm liberal. I believe in individual rights and freedoms, and the word "Sunday" would not make me feel any different than the word "Friday" in this legislation. So what if New Mexico's alcohol-related fatalities jumped on Sunday? That's not really surprising, nor is it any piece of fact that should be a deal breaker when casting a vote on this issue.

In answering why, I ask myself - how do they know that this increase wasn't attributed to more New Mexicans drinking on Saturday night, and then crashing their car in the wee hours on Sunday morning? How do we know these people didn't drive drunk from liquor they purchased the Wednesday prior? How do we know that higher Sunday fatalities weren't attributable to more people drinking too much in a bar, rather than people consuming a bottle of Tanqueray that was bought in a store?

Just because alcohol-related fatalities increased when New Mexico opened the flood gates to Sunday hard liquor store sales, that doesn't necessarily mean it's the sole reason why accidents increased on Sundays. If they had surveyed me, and then fed me statistics from some other state, I'd call it like it is. If it smells like bullshit, and it looks like bullshit... then what is it? Just another way to exert control over people's freewill.

Toxins of Truth

Well, just one 16-hour shift stands between me and a very long, well-needed vacation. It's been a busy time for the Black Man Next Door, and the next few months foreshadow even busier times.

As I get ready for work, I take pause and note today's date. Not only does today represent what some term vernal equinox, but I learned a very important lesson about the power of integrity just one year ago. I learned just how much of a slippery slope "telling the truth" can be.

You see, once upon a time, there was this red-headed guy who captured my heart and opened my eyes to the simpler logic of life. In a way, he represented the classic vernal equinox event -- a time where the sun straddles the middle of the world -- a time where the light and the dark are equals. He had his light side, and he had his dark side. Which side faced me when I met him? That's the question.

He seemed to have it all right. He treated others as he'd want to be treated. He valued and understood the importance of family. He was the easy-going, down-home type of guy that any gay man could appreciate. These are qualities that we can rarely capture in the cyberworld, and they are easily masked online by lusts, vices, and desires. Anyway, we started dating each other off-grid for about two months before something began to rear its ugly head.... the truth.

Needless to say, he was HIV positive; and on March 20, 2008, I became painfully aware that he knew the truth long before we even started dating. Although we worked things out in the interim, things gradually degraded and we broke it off. In hindsight, I wondered about the power of telling the truth. Everyone advertises that they want "completely honest" men to date, but is there such thing? Are we setting ourselves up by feeling entitled to truth? After all, I wouldn't be surprised if we all lied a dozen times a day, on average.

I wish truth was black and white. Life would be so much easier, but we all know it's not. So, in decoding the truth's many shades of gray, when should you let someone know your status? Is it something that should come out in initial conversations? Of course, that would provide a hypocrite the way to brush someone off easy and early. Hmmm.. perhaps, it is something that should be talked about after you agree to start dating, but before sex? Well, a lot of people would probably think they've already been lied to at that point. Or, what the hell... should anything be said unless the other person brings it up? It'll all be safe sex, right? After all, the real truth is that it's more about 'not catching something' than anything else, right?

Needless to say, I can only imagine how hard it must be to wrestle with the truth when you meet someone you really like. Sometimes the truth can save, and sometimes it can destroy. I honestly believe that truth is like a weapon... carrying it means nothing -- how you use it means everything... and a man's true integrity shines if he knows the right time to be truthful, and the right time to lie.

So, in closing... I'm a proud, registered member of the Hypocrite Party. Why? Because I don't know if I'd do or say things any differently... especially if I was the one with a toxic truth to dump on a really great guy that I'm developing feelings for.

The Pains We Wear

As R&B Singer, Rihanna's story unfolds, there's something that really got me to thinking. As I sat in my car on this sunny St. Patrick's Day listening to her song, my heart went out to her all over again.

Yes, she's recording a duet with that woman-beatin' man of hers. Yes, I hope he's prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Yes, I hope they both find some sort of peaceful retribution for the pains they wear. But, damn -- I have to wonder, should we have seen this coming?

We oftentimes embrace the principle that personal matters should never be brought into a workplace.... and in theory, that would be wonderful. But, we all know that the human mind rarely works that way. I believe that when your personal life is in turmoil, unless you have split personalities, that turmoil will manifest itself in every little thing you do.

Now, let's take Rihanna into consideration. She's a singer, and just a couple of thoughts ago, I asked should we have seen this coming. Where I'm going with that is... think of her song titles, Disturbia, S.O.S., Unfaithful, Hate That I Love You, Rehab, Breaking Dishes.... and the list goes on and on...

I guess rich and famous celebrities can't even escape the ills of humanity. They cry out just like everyone else, and I wonder did anyone listen to her prior to her assault being plastered all over the news....

Battle of the Brands

Well, the birthday festivities are over, and it's time to settle back into the routine. One of the most daunting tasks I must do is go grocery shopping. While at the store, I thought a lot about my habits -- and on the surface, what I'm about to talk about next ties in with my "Labels du Jour" post earlier this month.

I caught myself walking down the aisles... snagging my usual products such as Mrs. Baird's bread, Progresso soups, and a variety of name brand items. But then came the mouthwash.

Listerine - $5.47

Something compelled me to pick up a mouthrinse bottle of equal size with the label pictured in this post.

Equate - $3.27

Okay, have I been stuck on labels this bad that I haven't even considered alternatives? I figured there's got to be something wrong with Equate Citrus Antiseptic Mouthrinse, so I turned the bottle around to read the ingredients. They were identical to those in Listerine! I tell ya... for those that really hate labels, this would be a compelling reason why. Looks like whether it's in a grocery aisle, in the streets, or under the sheets -- labels can be so misleading.

Yet, as much as we say we hate labels -- they obviously have some stronghold on our mind and our wallets. The sooner we break free, the more money we keep to ourselves!

Coffee Bandit, How I Hate Thee

Okay, fellow Bloggers and Bloggettes, a crime has been committed at the residence of the Black Man Next Door. Today is a very special day... a day that REQUIRES a morning ritual of coffee, clean shave, and hot bath.

One of those requirements has been put on hold today. Why? Because a certain coffee bandit (aka roommate) has committed a clear violation of Gay Relations Bible Code IV, Section 41, Title X, Subsection B, Verse 1:14. In case you haven't read these codes, I'll summarize this verse in the following:

Don't leave just a little bit of something to avoid being guilty of using all of it.

As you can see from the picture, I was left with a paltry tablespoon of coffee grounds to put into my massive coffee machine to feed my voracious coffee addiction. This is one of my biggest pet peeves... someone leaves just a little bit of something left so THEY can be satisfied and YOU will end up buying more of it.

This crime is either out of guilt, or out of sheer sneaky cleverness.... I'm not certain of my particular Coffee Bandit's motives. But, I'm confiscating his Nintendo Wii until the supply is replenished. What some call being a bitch, I call fair play. Sometimes, to break a man's habits, you gotta break him.

Mount Karma

Two nights ago, I had a long talk with one of the best fag hags a homo could ever know. We lean on each other in good times, and just a little bit harder in bad times. However a conversation should start between us, it always seems to make us feel a little better when we hang up.

This particular conversation had an interesting twist. First, she asked me if I believed in karma. Then, a sudden gush of fresh, straight-up truth flowed from her lips. She is frustrated and angry that the man that wronged her seems to never get what's coming to him. Everything always goes his way, and he never ever seems to have anything go wrong. She stopped just short of wishing wrong upon him.

Now, I've had my share of men that did not-so-good things... and the pain was so unbearable at times. I was often frustrated in the same way, in that the person inflicting the damage always seemed to land on his feet. So, in this respect, I can totally relate to her. But, as for the question of whether the Black Man Next Door believes in karma, the answer is still yes -- but after pondering about 'karma', I now have a different outlook on how it actually works.

I don't think that just by doing one bad thing that one equally bad thing will automatically happen in return. Let's face it. You can do all the good in the world and still have something bad happen to you. In contrast, you can slit the throats of every child, rape every man and woman, and drive a truck bomb into a building -- and STILL win the lottery.

So, my view on karma is this. I think of it much like a volcano. Different volcanoes take varying amounts of pressure and time to erupt, much like karma. Some volcanoes ooze, others blow their tops in violent eruptions.... randomly and unpredictably. Good or bad karma can erupt into one gargantuan explosion of positive or negative events. Or, it may ooze out a multitude of smaller positive/negative events over a longer period of time. So, theoretically, a person's Mt. Karma could still be oozing good karma from things they did years ago, which explains why they got a promotion the very next morning after they hurled a Molotov Cocktail through your front window.

But what my treasured fag hag ultimately came to accept is that eventually, like volcanoes -- it's not a matter of if... it's a matter of when. Eventually, her tormentor's Mt. Karma will erupt - and for her sake, I hope she's not near it when that happens.

Tragic Rewind

Don't think every little thing you do and say matters? Consider these scenarios:

1) You're driving along the slick streets in the cold, hard rain. Traffic is bumper-to-bumper in spots, and idiotic semi-trucks are trying to drive like they are in Corvettes. You've got the satellite radio blasting as you go over a few mental notes for your early morning meeting at work. Suddenly, you notice a small Ford Focus turn on its blinkers and try to merge onto the freeway from the entrance ramp. It struggles to get on as car after car pass on by. As you get closer, you can see a male and a female in the front and wonder to yourself... "after all the damned assholes that cut me off in life, this bitch can wait"... you daintily drive past the Ford Focus --- and moments later, you exit onto a street and head toward an intersection. You barely get a chance to come to a complete stop at the red light when a speeding car careens out of control and plows into the driver's side of your car.

You are dead. Game Over. Insert Coin(s). The saddest part is this... had you let that Ford Focus onto the freeway, that would have bought you the precious seconds you needed to avoid this catastrophe. As your spirit ponders over how hindsight is such a bitch, emergency workers try to pull your twisted, mangled body out of the wreckage. Meanwhile, I'm going to press REWIND on this tragic story and go back 2 minutes.

2) As you get closer to the Ford Focus, you can see a male and a female in the front seats and wonder to yourself..."Fuck it.. I'm still early." You brake and allow the Ford Focus to pull ahead of you. Interestingly enough, the female turns her head and appears to be writing down your license plate number. You wonder what the hell is she doing? That is... until a week later, after the male did some detective work, you receive a thank you note from the male and a handmade card from their children... thanking you for helping save their mother. Because of your seemingly small, insignificant deed -- you gave this man the precious seconds needed to get his wife to the hospital. Unbeknownst to the couple at the time, it turns out that if her internal bleeding lasted any longer, she'd be the one pushing daisies.

The point? We should never underestimate our power to change the world... with each and every thing we do and say.

The Burning Bridge

Every so often, I sit and ponder over a hot cup of coffee -- just like I'm doing right now. I think about the people in my present life... past life... and future life. As the world moves, shakes, and spins, the most powerful choices involved either meeting someone halfway on the bridge, or burning it.

In an individual sense, I'd like to believe that making that type of choice is cut and dry. If an ex-lover makes contact to apologize, do I respond? If an employer that treats me like shit suddenly wants me back, do I burn the bridge? If I do something to hurt someone else and they disappear from the radar, do I even bother trying to make things right? There are so many dynamics to consider in burning a bridge or meeting someone halfway -- and I'd like to think that we as individuals understand the repercussions of either choice. But do we?

In a community sense, specifically the gay community, it seems like we want to have our cake and eat it too, sometimes. A fellow blogger 'across the pond' posted something yesterday that really got me thinking. He was upset that there are those out there that think gays are being gradually diluted... assimilated into a "heterosexual" culture and losing our sense of identity. I share my fellow blogger's agitation, but I think our community is doing something equivalent to trying to meet the "other party" halfway on a bridge and then set it on fire.

We want our rights... which I wholeheartedly support, of course.. and some countries are further along in that quest than others. But, in getting them, we encounter all sorts of problems such as getting a divorce from a gay marriage -- depending on where you are in the world. Should we lash out at other communities and be pissed off because it's not easy? Well, it's not easy for straight people, either -- and they HAVE globally recognized marriages.

We want acceptance from the 'outside', which is nothing short of reasonable... I'd be pragmatically happy with just tolerance- acceptance is a welcomed bonus to me! Nonetheless, when we receive that in the form of having more heterosexual friends... fag hags... straight couples hanging out in gay bars and neighborhoods.. new businesses springing up in the gayborhood that cater to a broader audience than just the homosexual community -- some take that as some sort of alien invasion. Those are the people that are paranoid about the erosion of gay communities and utter decay of our communal identity.

As I take the last sip of my now-cold coffee, I pose this question. Why did homosexuals coagulate into communities in the first place? What prompted the existence of meccas such as The Castro... Boyztown... Cedar Springs... Chelsea? Was it fear of persecution, violence, and intolerance that gave us the need for these 'safe havens'? I tend to believe that is certainly true.... but with the desire for withering intolerance comes integration. Throughout history, that truth bleeds from lines of sexual orientation all the way to race, religion, and nationality. The GLBT community is not immune.

So, for the paranoid soul, relax. This is what happens when you meet people halfway on the bridge. They don't necessarily look the same on the bridge as they did standing way on the other side. You hardly ever get exactly what you ask for, so we should tread carefully. This is the price we pay for tolerance and acceptance. So, rather than contemplate burning the bridge and keeping straights out of our neighborhoods -- compromise. We can still tolerate and accept them into our bars and restaurants without losing the color in our wings, the gayness in our souls, or the brightness of our communities.

House of Lords

Behold! The new home of my favorite sports team, the Dallas Cowboys. It will be the site of the 2011 NFL Super Bowl and many other marquee events. After pitting cities against each other during the search for a new site, Jerry Jones (Cowboys owner) finally got a fly in his web -- the city of Arlington.

What's the price of this web that Jerry built? Over 1 billion dollars. That's $1,000,000,000... over 670,000,000 British Pounds... 781,250,000 Euros. A portion of this cost is shouldered by the City of Arlington, which they've raised hotel, car, and city taxes to cover.

This is right in the Heart of Texas, a so-called Red, Republican state that criticizes others for "tax and spend" tactics.... yet, this Republican stronghold has just embraced the concept of taxing people and their goods to fund what is essentially a private business. Do they reap rewards from such a deal? Of course they do, but how many other "Mom & Pop" businesses are they willing to donate tax money to build shops and stores for?

This is kinda like Billionaire owner Jerry Jones accepting stimulus money, really... so how could anyone in the glorious Red State of Texas criticize those like President Obama and the rest of us liberals who actually want more than just rich people to benefit from stimulus money? Just to give you something to salivate over:

$1,000,000,000 would give every follower of The Black Man Next Door's blog $52,631,578.95
If every one of those followers just put the money in an interest-bearing account, they'd amass over a whopping $1.25 million a year in interest. If each one of those followers formed their own company and paid salaries out of that interest money, they could supply enough yearly income for over 22 average U.S. families.

That's 418 families/1,672 people that are out spending money and driving the economy off of just interest payments. Instead, we can only HOPE that one Billionaire has that kind of aspirations... since jobs were just shuffled from one stadium to the other, he must be hoarding an ungodly amount of money -- and apparently paying a relatively few athletes MILLIONS of dollars to throw and catch a frickin' pigskin.... *sigh*

Rob from the poor, and give to the rich. God, I love this country!

Stone-Throwing Haters?

A few days ago, three men decided to be like heathens of old and cast stones into a "gay bar" in Galveston, TX. A gay man was struck in the head and anointed with 12 staples in his skull. Now, the three men are accused of a hate crime. The story can be accessed HERE.

However, I wonder if the hate crime status will stick... not because this is Texas (shrug); but I read that this place is known as a gay bar, BUT the clientele is actually mixed. After reading the story, I wasn't clear if the three men specifically targeted the victim, spat any hateful rhetoric while committing the crime, or did anything that may suggest that they didn't randomly throw the 4-pound stone at anyone in particular. Since it isn't a totally gay bar, they might have a viable defense... unless the District Attorney received more information to the contrary that was just not mentioned in the article.

These 3 idiots could easily say that they thought the victim was some guy that owed them money and they came to collect. Of course, we all know better. These jackasses wouldn't have walked into a Wal-Mart, Hooters, or Chippendales and threw a 4-pound stone at someone. They seemingly picked this place because of its reputation as a gay bar.

Unfortunately, that assertion is not enough and would be just a hunch in the eyes of a judge. So, I wouldn't be surprised if these goons got off with a lighter punishment than they deserve. Now, for an interesting twist.... if a gay man walks into a church that's known for its fiery rhetoric... throws a stone and splits the Pastor's head open... is that a hate crime?

Yes, I had to go there... because the sword should cut both ways, shouldn't it?

The Double-Edged Sword

*Sigh*... I tell ya... rudeness is infecting society. We all know how this ancient phenomenon is on the rise, but the real question is why?

A fellow blogger's comment on a previous post inspired me to ponder things like why people claim they are online for "Friends" and "Conversation", say 'hello', then drop off the face of the Earth. No follow-up like "How is your day going?"... nothing.

People drive around like bats out of hell, rushing to cut you off so they can imminently slam on the brakes and go below the posted speed limits. Idiots would rather cut across five lanes of traffic, risking a fatal accident to make their exit because they waited to the last minute. Never mind the fact there is another exit just 1/4 mile away.

People shooting their entire family with a pistol and then themselves, rather than just putting the pistol to their own head and leaving the rest of them alone.

The culprit? Technology. Technology has allowed us to produce more, produce it faster, and spoil ourselves into a mode of entitlement. It's also made things that were once difficult to do -- like break up with someone -- much more easier and impersonal. It is brainwashing us in unimaginable ways. Don't believe me? Just look around and count how many people are obsessed with their cell phones. They just HAVE to answer it at all times - in grocery stores, movies, airplanes, hell... even while taking a damned piss. Cock in one hand. Phone in the other.

Technology is such a double-edged sword. The good thing is that it can make life so much easier for us if applied correctly. The bad thing is that it makes being human so much harder. Okay, so let's magically deal with problems without ever having to WORK at them. Let's take out Technology's "Keyboard of Life" and look at a few sitch-e-ations.

Don't have friends? Just log onto a social networking site and amass a throng of no-maintenance, no cost, no frills pseudo-friends. If one slights you, simply hit the DELETE key, and your problem is over. No work, no hassle, no fuss, or... what's that popular line... ahh, yes -- NO drama.

Got a nice guy that's interested in you, but he's just a bit too ugly or short-handed behind the zipper? No problem. Technology's "Keyboard of Life" to the rescue again! Just hit the ESCAPE key; he's toast, and you've made an easy, clean getaway.

Ever notice how some people's age never increases? You saw that same guy online 5 years ago at age 29. Yeah, you know which one I'm talking about... that sexy one - blue shirt with the snaps. Today, he's magically still tenderly 29. Relax, it's no fountain of youth. Whip out technology's "Keyboard of Life" and all of your hangups over age are over. Pick a day out of the year, hit the BACKSPACE key, and do it on that same day every year -- and you can still stay "in the game".

Got a hot guy that you'd just love to "get to know better"? Want to get him to notice you? Well, never fear... the days of having to meet in public first are OVER. Just post outdated photos of yourself on a matchmaking site, and you'll deceive him into your bed, lickety-split. By the time he goes through the trouble of getting toys, lube, condoms, slings, etc... he may be disappointed when he sees your true face, but he's so frickin' horny, he'll just say to hell with it. Press the ENTER key, and well... he will ENTER.

Did you blurt out something via email that you wish to take back? Noooooo problem. Just hit the END key to recall the message, and no harm, no foul. You never have to worry about learning how to smooth things over face-to-face when you communicate something in the wrong way.

Or maybe you just want to ditch a difficult situation and avoid the consequences -- this is something you don't even need the Keyboard of Life for... simply do it via text, and you never have to look that sucker in the eye and witness the carnage of your actions. That's the way to let your fingers do the walkin'!

Humanity is slowly eroding into slavery.... slaves to mindless technology. The next time your day goes from sugar to $hit, just think-- somewhere in the chain of fault lies a piece of technology. Ooops, gotta roll for now -- cell phone is ringing. Somebody's boning me up. Later, bloggers and bloggettes!

Edge of Disaster

Last night, I was thoroughly surprised with tickets to see the Dallas Mavericks basketball team whip the San Antonio Spurs in Dallas. My friend, "The Godfather", took me as a birthday gift, knowing that I'd never been to a game before.

Fast-forward 10 hours to now. Toothache. Just to make matters worse, I think about how just a few weeks ago, it took $1,411 to fix another tooth -- so, I'm sweating over how much it will cost to fix this one.

It's things like this that make me wonder why anyone wouldn't want this country to have universal, affordable health care for everyone. When I listen to people bitch, moan, and toss words around like "socialism"... words that they don't even know the meaning... it just tears at me. Those against things like universal health care should realize just how close to the edge of disaster most of us actually are.

Let's see... there's the 8-year-old leukemia patient in Ohio, who after a few rounds of chemotherapy is in dire straits because she's already reached the $1,500,000 lifetime benefit allowable under her father's health plan. Yes, that's right.. $1,500,000.oo. Try looking this little girl in the eye and saying, "I'm sorry. I'd rather you die than someone call me a supporter of a socialist President." Or how about the grocery-store worker who has to put off her radiation treatments for Stage 2 breast cancer that plunged her into $18,000 of debt after exhausting her company's $20,000 annual maximum plan?

The problem is, people who have the power to enact legislation are detached from the real problem that especially middle-class citizens face every day. Many have good jobs, a home, dog, white picket fence, and are doing financially well.... until sickness hits. We are gays, straights, Whites, Hispanics, Blacks, Asians, women, men... people from all walks of life --- walking on the edge of disaster.

It's so tragic that it takes tragedy for people to open up their eyes and their hearts. The mighty United States of America should have tackled this issue a long time ago. But who's the real monster behind this situation?

The Thousand-Dollar Judgment

Ahhhh, I've finally risen from the depths of a long day's sleep and came across a rather interesting article. After reading about gay twins that sued their gay bosses/owners of a Los Angeles restaurant, all I gotta say is: Flirters within our own community, take notice.

It sucks that these twins were only awarded $1,000 each. A nice, juicy $10,000 would have really hammered the point home. Like many others, I continue to question if the justice system takes sexual harassment against gays, and men for that matter, into serious consideration... just another reason why a lot of men don't even bother coming out to report violations or crimes against them. Their attorney, Sarah E. Hernandez hits the nail on the head:

"It's harder to prove sexual harassment with men because, unlike women, they don't break down and cry on the stand."

Yet, in knowing the odds of attracting serious attention from the court because of their gender and sexual orientation, these two young men fought a good fight on principle. I always get a good feeling when I read about people standing up for themselves -- especially gay men. The article can be accessed by clicking HERE.

It's a Matter of R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As a firmly entrenched member of Gen-X, I noticed something quite annoying at work as of late. Some of our newly minted 20-something year old employees come into the office all gung-ho and ready to dive into any and every problem they encounter. I love that tenacity and desire to learn. But, there's one itty bitty trend that just gets on my nerves!

You call someone's name, and the answer you receive is a snippy, sharp reply of "What?"

Now, many of you probably think I'm just plain bitchy and nit-picky. I accept that opinion with grace. But to me, I was raised to accept that kind of response as disrespectful. Man, I can't tell you how infuriated my Mom would get if you ever answer to her like that. She was totally cool about my friends calling her by her first name... she's very informal and down-to-earth in a lot of ways. But... THAT response touched a nerve with her. She would slap the piss out of me or my brothers if we ever took that tone with her.

Growing up with a long-time Black friend, I noticed that his Mom was the same way... and they passed that etiquette down to us. Never, EVER answer with, "What?!" However, I don't think this was what some people term, a "Black Thing". I think this was generational etiquette.... yet another rule of R-E-S-P-E-C-T that seems to be dying out in newer generations.

Oh, yes... and just one... more... thing. While I'm on the subject of R-E-S-P-E-C-T, I've had to point out something else to one of my acquaintances. For older people, I would never have cut as much slack as I did for this young, gay man. I don't tolerate being called "Boy". Now, I realize that there are many out there that don't understand the true use and connotation of this term towards a Black male, so I rarely snap anyone into place. Sometimes, it's a light-hearted attempt to be informal, and there are no bad intentions. So, I simply let them know that I DO have a first name and I don't appreciate being called, "Boy". Now THAT is a "Black Thing"... and it's all a matter of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Let that be a word to the wise. Some Black men are diplomatic about being called "Boy", others are much more blunt. Some fuses are shorter than others... so take it from me... don't light the match. As such, it's a cultural tightrope that's best avoided. Besides, I'd hate to ruin my new jacket trying to jump in and save my young, gay acquaintance should he happen to say "Boy" to the wrong guy.

Is He Boyfriend Material?

“The First Date: Assessing His Boyfriend Potential”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
You sit on the lumpy lounge chair at the local coffee shop, sipping your cappuccino while trying to look occupied reading today’s local newspaper, your eyes periodically shifting to the front door of the shop, hoping to catch a quick glance of the man you’ll be meeting for the first time. You’ve had a million first dates, it seems, but the nervous anticipation and excitement always seems to show itself through your sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat. What will this meeting be like? Could he be “The One?”

Even though your blood’s pumping at the prospect of meeting someone new, you feel confident and relaxed within yourself as you approach this situation. You’ve worked hard to be a good, upstanding man and you recognize that you’re a “good catch.” You’re comfortable with who you are and you have a solid vision for what you’re looking for in a potential mate, having taken the time to craft a dating plan that emphasizes your personal needs, wants, values, and requirements in a relationship and partner. Your first date here is an opportunity to meet and get to know a new person with no expectations of outcome. You are going to be yourself, knowing that this isn’t about performance, and you’ll have a chance to briefly gauge whether this man possesses some of the traits and qualities that you seek in a Mr. Right. Your thoughts are interrupted by the presence of the handsome creature that now stands before you. You both shake hands as you greet, smiles beaming, and he proceeds to sit down to begin the get-to-know-you dialogues.

Who is this man sitting across from you? Is he boyfriend potential? While compatibility largely rests on the goodness-of-fit between the two of you with your relationship visions and attraction/chemistry, this article will pose some provoking questions for you to track the answers for when you begin your dating quests with new people and learn about whether they’re your “type” or not. These questions can act as guideposts through your dating journey. And remember, the answers you obtain do not reflect upon this person as being “good” or “bad.” The answers are simply used as a way to help you quickly determine if this individual matches with your personal requirements so that you can make informed choices that will promote your achieving a successful and lasting relationship with your Mr. Right.

The First Date Evaluation
Generally speaking, first dates are usually better structured when they’re short, focused, and allow for lots of dialogue. Learn as much as you can about this person so you can begin the process of “sizing up” his compatibility with your vision and needs. According to David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute, there are four critical skills that singles must possess during their life partner quest. Two of those skills are relevant to our discussion here. “Sorting is the process of quickly determining if someone you meet has future potential. A successful single is able to initiate contact with people and in conversation get enough information within 5 minutes to know whether they want to get to know them better or move on. Think of “working the room” at a party. Screening is the process of getting enough information to determine if a prospective partner meets your requirements or not. Since requirements are relationship breakers, all of them must be met. Getting this information can occur over the telephone, by e-mail, over coffee, or taking a walk. If you are looking for your life partner, you can’t afford to explore dead ends; and it is important to get this information BEFORE you date them and get involved.” (Steele, 2002)

While it’s impossible to get the full scope of a person on a first date, you should be on the lookout for any possible “red flags” that would halt the possibility of a second date. Or perhaps he will have inspired some intrigue in you to invest further in getting more acquainted with him. So when conversing with the man sitting across from you, think about some of the following points to help you ponder how you’d like to proceed with this particular gentleman:

1. What is your immediate reaction upon seeing your date? How do you feel? Do you find him physically attractive and inviting? Does he appear to take care of himself and have good grooming and hygiene?

2. Does he maintain eye contact with you as he speaks or is he looking around the room at the other guys (very disrespectful!)?

3. Does he appear attentive and genuinely interested in what you have to say? Notice his body posture and whether it’s open or closed.

4. Does he display a good sense of humor and is he able to laugh, relax, and have fun with your interaction? Does he exhibit good verbal and social skills or seem stiff and have difficulty maintaining and initiating conversations?

5. Is there a good balance between his talking about himself vs. his asking you questions about yourself? Or does he monopolize the time talking only about his life? Or does he not engage in any self-disclosure at all?

6. How are his manners? Is he polite, thoughtful, and considerate? Based on your first impression of his manners, would Mom approve of his behavior? Do you feel comfortable being with him or do you experience embarrassment by his behavior?

7. What does he talk about? Notice any themes? Does he seem positive and upbeat or negative and pessimistic? When he talks, does he seem judgmental, petty, and put down other people or himself?

8. Does he seem to have goals, aspirations, and ambitions? Does he exude excitement about life and possibilities? Is he passionate? How well-rounded does he seem? Does he have varied interests and hobbies, have an active lifestyle and seem reasonably intelligent and able to converse about a variety of topics and current events?

9. Does he place a lot of emphasis on sex during your time together? If so, this may be a priority for him and it’ll be important to ensure what type of relationship he’s seeking (casual sex or dating) so you can decide if this fits with your needs.

10. At the end of the date, how would you rate the experience and your interest on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest? Is there chemistry? Do you feel drawn to him on multiple levels?

Food For Thought
There are, of course, many other questions and criteria you may have, but these points may be a good starting point to launch from on a first date. There tend to be three types of personality styles that men can bring to a first date situation. One are those men who are on their best behavior to try to impress you, gain your approval, or please you to compensate for perceived weaknesses they have so they can “snag” another date from you. Another type are those men who struggle with shyness, anxiety, and insecurity, so the behavior they display during the date may not actually be reflective of who they really are until they feel more comfortable. And then there are those who present their “real self”, an accurate portrayal of who they really are. It may be helpful to keep this in mind when deciding about whether to transition into an exit or for an invitation for another date.

Conclusion
Knowing who you are and being clear on what you want is critical during your time in the dating pool. This knowledge will take you far in weeding out those men who may not be particularly good matches for you and will save you a lot of time, energy, and frustration. You may need several dates with someone to assess their potential and you may find during the process that some of these men may be more suitable as friends—another addition to your support network!

Thinking too much about these questions can be distracting, so try to avoid being “too much in your head” during the date. Analyzing and being too cognitive will take away from your date, causing you to miss certain cues during the interaction that would be important and lead you to not focus on being a good listener. Be fully present with your date and enjoy the experience, no matter how it turns out because you will have still learned something. Additionally, try to turn the above questions back on yourself and assess how these factors apply to your style. These questions may provide clues about the areas of your life and personality that are strengths and weaknesses and can be a tool to help you develop goals for self-improvement to make yourself even more “dateable!” In a future newsletter, we’ll examine additional questions and assessment guidelines to ponder as you begin to delve into a dating relationship with a man to determine life partner status potential, but in the meantime make sure you’ve crafted your relationship vision and plan and cheers to your dating success!

*References:	Steele, David (2002). Relationship Coaching Institute.
	www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com and www.consciousdating.org.

© 2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Mr. March

Springtime is nigh, and soon, we'll be winding that clock forward one hour in most of the United States. With cocktail in reach, I searched high and low for the next "Man of the Month". Since it takes more than body to comprise a real man, the mind and soul were also a major factor into my next pick. He is The Black Man Next Door's official "Mr. March", American Actor - Patrick Dempsey.

Now, at a deliciously aged 43 years, Patrick is a 5' 9.5" Capricorn born to two Irish-American parents. Most of us know him from his role on Grey's Anatomy, but there is a lot more about Mr. March that makes him the man he is.

SOUL

There's nothing sexier than a man with a passion for something respectable in life. One of Patrick's passions is contributing to cancer awareness and causes. In fact, the Dempsey Center in his home state of Maine is an integral part of cancer care, support, and education for those touched by cancer.

In his personal life, he currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife, daughter, and twin sons. But the limelight of celebrityhood may be too much for Mr. March, as he's looking to retire from acting and retreat to much calmer seas.

MIND

Patrick is afflicted with dyslexia, but he's adapted to that adversity quite well. A man that confronts less-than-ideal situations is very sexy in his own right. It says a lot about Mr. March's character when rather than tucking tail and running, he adapts and manages to play his cards just right. He didn't let that stop him from success in acting, and it certainly didn't stop him from amassing a gargantuan gay following. Check out his rather interesting interview with The Advocate by clicking HERE.

Mr. March... Patrick Dempsey