Cycle of Evil, Part I

Today, I feel like I'm 52 years old. For those of you who are keeping tabs, that's almost two decades ahead of my current age. The reason is very simple, and very sad as well.

You see... earlier yesterday, I hired a younger relative to mow my yard for some extra cash, because I'm a firm believer in working for your keep. He was out of gas and out of money... stranded without employment, motivation, or a future. Plus, he's had his run-ins with the law, which has since spawned a gargantuan rift in our small family.

On one side, there are those of us that believe nurturing and understanding will eventually break the cycle of evil. On the other side (which I'm on), we seek to avoid playing the role of "enabler" -- teaching and endorsing a sense of learned helplessness and diffusion of responsibility. I just can't afford to chunk money at him carte blanche; I demand hard work for honest gains. Sadly, I've been criticized for that approach and accused of not being there for a family member.

So, imagine how upset I was when I got home from work last night and the yard wasn't completely mowed. I had also discovered that he'd somehow used an entire 2-gallon jug of gasoline for my yard, which made no sense. I swiftly concluded that he put the rest of the gasoline into his car and drove off after doing a half-ass job.

There I was, grinding my teeth, when I received a text message from him. He wanted cash for an incomplete job, so I ran up to the ATM in the middle of the night to retrieve some cash. Then, I'd give him his money after he turned on the back porch light and/or flipped on a flashlight and finished mowing the yard closest to the house. Yeah, I'm prepared to take the label of asshole for that one. I'm cool with that. Nevertheless, however strong my resolve was, it had cost me precious sleep... hence, I feel like a 52-year-old man.

I'm so frustrated with him, and I wonder what it will take to break this cycle that he and other young men like him are in. What will it take to stop the stealing, drugs, and irresponsibility? Incarceration? Well, I'm wary of the overuse of incarceration as a means of staving off criminal and irresponsible behavior... and I certainly don't think capital punishment is the ultimate answer for anyone.

I'm just thinking to myself: How many youngsters like him have gone to jail and actually come out cleansed of their deviance? Are we just feeding a cycle of evil by breeding new generations of criminal predators through incarceration? Or, are we as a society marking young deviants with a scarlet letter of eternal failure? (Play your Race of Spades card here, if you dare.. or wait until my next post to see if it can be trumped.)

More and more, I think that even if juveniles escape back into society with the determination and motivation to make themselves a better person, they will ultimately carry with them an insurmountable stigma. Just ask the Michael Vicks of society... it doesn't matter that they served their punishment... they will always be criminals in society's eye.

With that said, should we blame them if they ask themselves, "What's the point?" Should we blame them if they have the mentality that they have nothing to lose? It's a vicious cycle of evil, I tell ya.

Beginning of an Era

Today marks the beginning of a new era, a day of storms and cool weather here in North Texas. I got up this morning and headed for the coffee machine like I always do. But when I got there, I found a brand new coffee pot and a thank you card from my now ex-roommate. He thanked me for 4+ years of good times and a nice friendship... quite touching, actually.

When I realized that I had no filters, I came back to the bedroom and got dressed. On my way out to the grocery store, he was outside loading up a truck... and it was then that I learned something about myself.

I was too choked up for words, and I may have gotten just a bit teary-eyed. But one thing I couldn't bring myself to do was to say "goodbye". I knew once I left for the store and came back, he wouldn't be there. This was my chance... but all I could manage to say was that I'd contact him soon... not knowing if that would even be possible.

So, then I rushed into the car and sped away, leaving a vapor trail as I peeled around the corner. Now, you'd think I would know something like that about myself by now. After all, I am a ripe age of 34. But in retrospect, I never really had the opportunity to say goodbye to someone on my own terms... you know... to say goodbye to them AS they were in the act of departing. Sure, I've attended funerals and a wide range of other "goodbye" ceremonies -- but those are somehow different.

I could stand over a dead person and say goodbye all day long. But, that wouldn't invoke the feeling I had when I saw my ex-roommate and dear friend loading up a truck for what could be our last moment together in this lifetime.

*Sigh*... the thunder roars... and rain pours... he has ridden into the sunset... another interesting twist in life's timeline that signals the beginning of a new era.

It's a Matter of R-E-S-P-E-C-T

As a firmly entrenched member of Gen-X, I noticed something quite annoying at work as of late. Some of our newly minted 20-something year old employees come into the office all gung-ho and ready to dive into any and every problem they encounter. I love that tenacity and desire to learn. But, there's one itty bitty trend that just gets on my nerves!

You call someone's name, and the answer you receive is a snippy, sharp reply of "What?"

Now, many of you probably think I'm just plain bitchy and nit-picky. I accept that opinion with grace. But to me, I was raised to accept that kind of response as disrespectful. Man, I can't tell you how infuriated my Mom would get if you ever answer to her like that. She was totally cool about my friends calling her by her first name... she's very informal and down-to-earth in a lot of ways. But... THAT response touched a nerve with her. She would slap the piss out of me or my brothers if we ever took that tone with her.

Growing up with a long-time Black friend, I noticed that his Mom was the same way... and they passed that etiquette down to us. Never, EVER answer with, "What?!" However, I don't think this was what some people term, a "Black Thing". I think this was generational etiquette.... yet another rule of R-E-S-P-E-C-T that seems to be dying out in newer generations.

Oh, yes... and just one... more... thing. While I'm on the subject of R-E-S-P-E-C-T, I've had to point out something else to one of my acquaintances. For older people, I would never have cut as much slack as I did for this young, gay man. I don't tolerate being called "Boy". Now, I realize that there are many out there that don't understand the true use and connotation of this term towards a Black male, so I rarely snap anyone into place. Sometimes, it's a light-hearted attempt to be informal, and there are no bad intentions. So, I simply let them know that I DO have a first name and I don't appreciate being called, "Boy". Now THAT is a "Black Thing"... and it's all a matter of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Let that be a word to the wise. Some Black men are diplomatic about being called "Boy", others are much more blunt. Some fuses are shorter than others... so take it from me... don't light the match. As such, it's a cultural tightrope that's best avoided. Besides, I'd hate to ruin my new jacket trying to jump in and save my young, gay acquaintance should he happen to say "Boy" to the wrong guy.

Shockwaves

Greetings from deep in the heart of North Texas. Yesterday was a whirlwind of activity in my personal life -- ranging anywhere from a $60 5-minute doctor's appointment to spending 1.5 hours in a courthouse. Hopefully today will be much quieter!

Well, I was saddened to hear that our family's first interracial marriage of 20 years may be coming to an end. As I listened to the news over the phone, my heart went out to my 2nd cousin and his wife. Apparently, he went off to celebrate a birthday in the family... came home to the kids, but no wife -- and her clothes were gone.

I totally understand the emptiness and angst he must be feeling now. I've had two walkouts in my dating tenure, and I feel that it's damned near the worst way to break up with someone... especially when that much time has been put into the relationship. Then again, who knows how their marriage really was.

Just yesterday, a music teacher in Miami, FL shot his wife, 2 daughters, and then himself... a guy that by all neighborly and friendly accounts had forged the "perfect family". It's so scary how reality can be so much different than what we see through our eyes. People seem to be so good at deception nowadays... but sheesh -- abandoning someone you love or killing them outright is something that I could never comprehend... and it only seems to work in the movies.

Society has become so desensitized, sensationalistic, and cynical, hasn't it? How have things gotten to be so bad? Is it technology? Is it changing dynamics of the family unit... parents working more and parenting less? Who knows... but damn, this world is so crazy right now.

The Moral Tug of War

The anniversary of one of the darkest moments in my life has now come and gone. It's not nearly as painful as it used to be, and nowadays, it just serves as a milestone... a milestone to remind me that there is always something to learn from setbacks.

Years ago, just after closing on my brand new house, I was herded into an office and unceremoniously handed my walking papers. I had just found out that an old friend of mine had committed suicide, and later on that evening, my house's main circuit breaker blew out -- costing hundreds of dollars that I soon wouldn't have. When it rains, it pours right?

Aside from my own struggles, I learned that one of my good friends knew I was on the list to be laid off. He also knew I was getting a new house. I remember the look on his face to this day... the look of a tormented, young, Republican father and husband. Our friendship had gotten onto the fast track, despite our vast differences... and when he admitted that he knew, he fought back the tears and apologized profusely.

At the time, I was fighting my own emotions -- oblivious to the fact that my friend was caught in the middle of a moral tug of war. I didn't know if I could forgive him, but being as diplomatic and non-confrontational as possible, I accepted his apology. Now, I'm so glad that I didn't take the lash-out-with-anger approach.

You see, it turns out that the boss lady told him not to reveal the list of the axed. She never told him he'd be fired if he did, but I could only imagine being forced to weigh the possibility of not being able to provide for your spouse and child vs. a really good friendship. To him, it was obvious to choose maintaining his job over our friendship... and I know it must have been the most difficult thing he ever had to do by keeping that information from me. He knew that I could very well lose my house after my job. But still, he couldn't risk his job, so he had to keep me in the dark... and thus, I was blindsided when the day came.

A moral tug of war... loyalty vs. truth... that's what he was faced with. Right vs. Right dilemmas are so damned tough to unravel, aren't they? The Anti-Choice vs. Pro-Choice dilemma... the death penalty debate... there are so many "right vs. right" arguments that have existed for so long because both sides have a valid premise.

Nevertheless, although that day was filled with lots of bad things -- I came away with a very positive message. I believe there's always something valid behind the reason people do the things they do... act the way they act... are the way they are. Ignorance is just a matter of ignoring the question of "why".... and things are almost never what they appear to be.

The Observation Deck

Well, today was my first of 11 days from work, and I spent most of it sleeping! Adjusting from the graveyard shift back into the real world can be difficult at times. I suspect as I get older, it will only get more difficult.

Speaking of jobs and working... I was sad to hear that a man killed his 5 children, wife, and finally himself out in Los Angeles. Apparently, he just lost his job, like so many others - and took things over the edge.

I never understood what drives someone to kill those that they love over situations such as these. Many of us have lost, quit, or been fired from a job before... dusted ourselves off... and kept going - especially if you are blessed enough to have a family with children for support.

Hmmmmm... family.

If only American gays and lesbians were blessed to have their families recognized by the federal government. If only we didn't have to claw and fight our way into acceptance... into a means of having the rights and privileges afforded to heterosexual families. I would have loved to tell the father that murdered his family to think about the silver lining before demolishing his world with a gun. There are countless people out there that see your world as treasure, even if you have just lost your job.

In the meantime, the "Black Man Next Door" is off to Columbus, Ohio tomorrow morning -- weather permitting. I hope the ice storm doesn't embrace the Dallas area too hard overnight and cause flight cancellations in the morning! I'm looking forward to joining my good Midwestern friends for a bit of fun tomorrow!