Tribulations of Black Men vs. White Men

A week or so ago, a fellow gay, Texan blogger posted a rather interesting comment to my January 14th post entitled "Balancing Act". An exerpt of his comment is as follows:

"Wish you would write a post sometime giving your view on the difference in coming out to your family, black as compared to white. I've read a number of times that it's harder for blacks and that's why many are on the "down low..."

He welcomed my input into this aspect of coming out in a Black family as opposed to a White family with the following question:

"...How is it different, say, if your family is urban, black, and A.M.E., than if they are rural, white, and Southern Baptist?"

Let me offer my belief in the form of an analogy. Your baseball team has been down all game; inning after inning was spent trying to catch up. Now, you are down to the final out. This is your chance to hit a home run, and you step up to the plate.

Now, imagine this same scenario, split, yet happening at the same time with two different batters --- one White, and one Black. The (Caucasian) umpire is "society", and he's just called 3 balls and 1 strike for the White batter. The Black fans in the stands are livid, because they thought ALL of the balls thrown so far were strikes.

In the other split scenario with the Black batter, again the (Caucasian) umpire is "society", and he's just called 2 strikes and 2 balls. Again, the Black fans in the stands are livid, but in this scenario, they are mad because they thought ALL of the balls pitched so far were nowhere close to being strikes.

Which batter do you think is under more pressure to swing and succeed on the very next pitch? The Black.. or White batter? Now, imagine this scenario playing out over generations. Perceptions have morphed and hardened over time, especially in the Black family unit --- and the Black fans in both games are now adamant that what they saw was reality.

In a time where few Black men step up to the plate and be real fathers... in a time where more are in jail than in college... in a time of constantly playing catchup... how would a family feel if they gave birth to a Black man or woman that showed promise -- only to find out they are gay? Already down 1 strike for being Black in this society, strike 2 for being gay/lesbian, many within the Black family unit see 'you' as the game changer... the "One" that can fight against society's hatred and win... propelling the family into a brighter future by bringing forth offspring in your image. The pressure is enormous -- and I speak firsthand.

Perception is a bitch, man... and I by no means am saying it is harder for all Blacks. There are White men and women that went through an unimaginably difficult 'Tribulation'. For those people who are "on the down low", I believe they are firmly planted in the 3rd step of the Tribulation -- Realization. Many Blacks are caught in a delicate balancing act out of fear of losing family members. So are Whites, Latinos, and other ethnicities... but again, the pressure and perception of this particular society, to many Blacks, tips the scale in the other direction.

Forgive me for yet another analogy, but for the most part, a person spends more fuel trying to lift off in a tougher environment with the wind at their face. To me, the urban, Black scenario generally fits this analogy more than a rural, White scenario --- and religion I don't think tips the scales either way, since both could be Southern Baptist and raised in an ultra-religious family structure.

That's my two cents, my friend.. now I'm broke.

Solar System of Relationships, Part I

It's so weird how life seems to tug you and those close to you in different directions at times. Like planets revolving around a sun, we move in different orbits at different speeds. At one point we are at our closest distance, and at another point we are at our furthest distance.

But sometimes, a comet, meteor, or some other enormous celestial body crashes into us; so powerful that we are pushed out of our natural orbits -- moving further and further away from each other. As I ponder and soul search, this is what I feel has happened to some of my friendships that have endured the ages. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but has been a concern for quite some time.

These catastrophic impacts have taken many names and forms. Marriage/romantic relationships; a souring economy; even the simple truth had a hand in watering down some of my most cherished friendships. Of course, it's obvious that when people enter relationships, they must reallocate their devotion, dedication, and other emotional resources to nourish a flowering union of two souls. It's also obvious that when the economy is not at its best, our wallets and purses are somewhat dried up -- and more work/less play is inevitable. But, one day, I realized that something else has crashed into some of my relationships and pushed their orbits a bit further apart -- and that's a comet known as "Truth".

Back during my "coming out" days, my single biggest fear was losing friends and family. I cherish and love them all... unconditionally. We'd piss each other off at times. We'd pick each other up when we were down. We'd share in all the good times and bad times. We'd even open up our hearts and expose our weaknesses in an attempt to form stronger bonds with each other. But in the back of my mind, I knew that revealing the fact that I'm gay to someone could take all of that which was built over decades and destroy it within seconds. Those closest to you can never see you the exact same way again, and you can never know the sheer terror and difficulty of revealing this truth unless, well, you are the one that has to do it.

Some people start with the planet that had the closest orbit. I didn't - my mother was the planet with the closest orbit to me, but she certainly wasn't the first one that was told. Yet, I knew she was the most important person in my life -- and I wanted to savor the moment before she exploded. It's such a weird vibe, because most gay/lesbian people have a sixth sense that someone close to them actually knows the truth -- but they are somehow caught in limbo and waiting for you to pull them out. The unknown factor is, how would they react once you did.

"You are still my son, and I still love you."
-My Mother

Revealing this most inner and intimate detail to her had unexpected results. You see, we never really did have mother-son talks that much. She doesn't wear her emotions on her sleeve, and most of the time, internalizes her thoughts, experiences, and emotions. That stuff was closed off to the world until that memorable spring day she called me and talked to me about it. Since then, her orbit was actually bumped closer to me, and we've been a lot more like brother and sister since.