Toxins of Truth

Well, just one 16-hour shift stands between me and a very long, well-needed vacation. It's been a busy time for the Black Man Next Door, and the next few months foreshadow even busier times.

As I get ready for work, I take pause and note today's date. Not only does today represent what some term vernal equinox, but I learned a very important lesson about the power of integrity just one year ago. I learned just how much of a slippery slope "telling the truth" can be.

You see, once upon a time, there was this red-headed guy who captured my heart and opened my eyes to the simpler logic of life. In a way, he represented the classic vernal equinox event -- a time where the sun straddles the middle of the world -- a time where the light and the dark are equals. He had his light side, and he had his dark side. Which side faced me when I met him? That's the question.

He seemed to have it all right. He treated others as he'd want to be treated. He valued and understood the importance of family. He was the easy-going, down-home type of guy that any gay man could appreciate. These are qualities that we can rarely capture in the cyberworld, and they are easily masked online by lusts, vices, and desires. Anyway, we started dating each other off-grid for about two months before something began to rear its ugly head.... the truth.

Needless to say, he was HIV positive; and on March 20, 2008, I became painfully aware that he knew the truth long before we even started dating. Although we worked things out in the interim, things gradually degraded and we broke it off. In hindsight, I wondered about the power of telling the truth. Everyone advertises that they want "completely honest" men to date, but is there such thing? Are we setting ourselves up by feeling entitled to truth? After all, I wouldn't be surprised if we all lied a dozen times a day, on average.

I wish truth was black and white. Life would be so much easier, but we all know it's not. So, in decoding the truth's many shades of gray, when should you let someone know your status? Is it something that should come out in initial conversations? Of course, that would provide a hypocrite the way to brush someone off easy and early. Hmmm.. perhaps, it is something that should be talked about after you agree to start dating, but before sex? Well, a lot of people would probably think they've already been lied to at that point. Or, what the hell... should anything be said unless the other person brings it up? It'll all be safe sex, right? After all, the real truth is that it's more about 'not catching something' than anything else, right?

Needless to say, I can only imagine how hard it must be to wrestle with the truth when you meet someone you really like. Sometimes the truth can save, and sometimes it can destroy. I honestly believe that truth is like a weapon... carrying it means nothing -- how you use it means everything... and a man's true integrity shines if he knows the right time to be truthful, and the right time to lie.

So, in closing... I'm a proud, registered member of the Hypocrite Party. Why? Because I don't know if I'd do or say things any differently... especially if I was the one with a toxic truth to dump on a really great guy that I'm developing feelings for.