Labels du Jour

Here I am, up and at em' way too early, and without coffee. I figured, what the hell! I can be a versatile writer by blogging and chatting online at the same time! In doing so, it's time for me to admit yet one more flaw... one more Achilles' Heel of the Black Man Next Door. You see, I tend to take things so literally sometimes, that I often miss the true meaning or intent of what is being said. Also, I am HORRIBLE at deciphering acronyms... so chatting can be a dangerous thing for me in more ways than one, and I can easily slip into trouble.

This morning, however, I ran across a "label" that is probably so obvious to everyone else... and maybe the lack of coffee is turning me into a feral, confused man. But what the hell is a "versatile top" or a "versatile bottom"? Don't drop your jaw too far, in my defense, I DO know what a top and a bottom is... (laugh) ... but this is something I call a combination label. Combination labels automatically trigger me to snatch a dictionary and do some research before I broadcast my dumbfoundedness to the world.

Hmmmm... okay, okay... (fingering dictionary pages) the first definition of versatile defines it as one who's capable of or adapted for turning easily from one to another of various tasks, fields of endeavor, etc. In the realm of sex, I can certainly understand "versatile" as a simple label -- one who can flip a coin and be just as content with heads up or tails up. I'm cool with that... however, therein lies my confusion.

What is the point of identifying oneself as a "versatile top"? I guess to me, I fail to see why the simple label of "versatile" doesn't meet the criteria of someone who can and does go both ways. Is this some sort of 2oth century "homo-code" that I'm just now running into? Shit, I hate labels sometimes!! While you enlighten me, I'm going out coffee-hunting before I destroy something.

Have a great weekend and last day of February, everyone! Speaking of last day, tomorrow brings forth the debut of Mr. March. This man, who will pop up at 12:01AM Central Time, has gone through a very rigorous vetting process, and I hope you like!

Gays = Murderers

Okay, the Black Man Next Door LOVES Colorado, but once I ran across the ranting of a certain Coloradoan politician, all I can say is: DAMN! The story is HERE. Of particular interest is the following comment made by State Senator Scott Renfroe:

We are taking sins and making them to be legally OK. That is wrong. I’m not saying this is the only sin out there. We have murder. … We don’t make laws making murder legal.

I must congratulate this idiot for using flawed logic to not only correlate every gay and lesbian to murderers, but to also make this argument over a domestic partner bill. The bill grants UNMARRIED couples very important rights such as those pertaining to medical decisions. So, just so this numb-nut can understand, he's ranting and raving about how homosexuality is a sin as justification for voting against a bill that also includes an untold number of heterosexual couples who are not married.

Besides... laws making murder legal has nothing to do with bills that grant gay/lesbian couples basic rights. Laws dictate that murder is a crime, not a sin, Senator. Laws aren't intended to focus on "Thou Shalt Not Murder", but rather to enforce a religiously neutral moral fabric. Ahhh.... then the comment he made to a local newspaper:

Homosexuality is seen as a violation of this natural creative order and is an offense to God the creator who created men and women, male and female for procreation.

Since this man is so great at playing God, I wonder in what creative order do impotent heterosexual men and women fall into? What about children that are born as intersexuals? Ugh... please, Colorado -- take out the trash!

Crux of Energy

Ahhhh, the time has come to reconcile my personal budget... again. Most of the February bills have come and gone, with the exception of one very important bill -- the energy bill. Being from Texas, I usually don't have to be sitting down with cocktail in hand before I open the electric bill at this time of year. Those hot days of summer are looming ahead!

In a cost-cutting measure at the end of last year, I switched electric providers to a more "environmentally-friendly" Green Mountain Energy. I was paying a whopping 20.3 cents per kilowatt hour with my previous provider. I signed a 3-month deal for a more reasonable 13.4 cents with Green Mountain. Why I was going so long paying a very high rate is quite simple. Like a lot of busy Americans, I got hooked on automatic-payments for damned near everything -- and that served as my lull into a false sense of security. I simply stopped checking my statements every month like a good little Samaritan.

Now that my 3-month contract is up, I received an offer to lock in rates for the next 12 months. I checked their rate tables, and something caught my eye that just pisses me off about energy company practices. As I scanned the table, I noticed that the more energy you gobble up, the cheaper the rate.

The crux of this scenario should be apparent to those who are conscientious about our skyrocketing energy usage and the subsequent environmental impacts. To the Mr. Electric Company, that's a very sound business practice -- encourage people to use more, keep demand up, and keep money flowing into their pockets.

For states who experience brownouts or rolling blackouts on an annual basis due to wasteful energy usage and system overloads, they might want to review this type of business practice... especially in states like California. Perhaps legislature could make a progressive sales tax percentage specific to this industry... say 4% on bills with usage under 700 kilowatt-hours a month... and 11% for those over 700 kilowatt-hours, as a rough example.

Luckily, Texas is the only state in the continental United States that is on its own power grid. I have yet to personally experience this type of situation that Californians are subjected to; but it sucks being "penalized" for not using enough energy.

Beneath the Surface

It's quiet... not much going on at work -- which in a way, ain't good. It's times like this where the daydreaming begins, and now, my thoughts may be considered "weird" by some. Of course, that's okay.... the Black Man Next Door's front door is always open for criticism, ridicule, and spectacle.

Over the past few years, I've gradually jumped back onto the dating raft and floated out over the ocean. It's surface is beautiful, much like the outside appearance of most men can be... but once I suit up and dive into the depths, it's amazing what lies underneath. A man's heart and soul, like the depths of an ocean, is a vast space filled with secrets... wonders... beauties..... and shipwrecks.

Now that I've explored beneath the surface of a few oceans, I've finally embraced the fact that there is something good to be taken from each and every broken relationship. I used to take things with such anger, and always wondered what I did wrong, and why things went down they way they did. The hardest part for me was coming to terms that I can't control everything, nor can I change anyone. In the meantime, I learned what works for me, and what doesn't... and if I didn't have the courage to jump onto the raft, I'd never know what lies beneath the surface in the first place.

The things that we find in the ocean's depths, and in men, can be taken many ways -- depending on who we are as individuals. Some see shipwrecks as beautiful, others see them as... well, wrecks. For me, there are a lot of things I find beautiful about men -- things that lie beneath the surface... and right now, I'm daydreaming of qualities that I feel really bring out the beauty of men.... internal qualities that I would love in a future husband. I'll list just a few:

1. A man that would most likely choose to adapt to his environment, rather than force his environment to conform to his liking. He prefers to use more of a mental/emotional effort to problem solving, rather than physical exertion. In lay-a-man's terms, diplomacy first, swords last.

2. A man that doesn't hesitate to use words such as "thank you", "I'm wrong", and "I'm sorry"... and mean them.

3. A man who respects differences in his partner, and grants a little space to embrace individuality from time to time.

4. A man that enjoys closeness and intimacy... but not to the point where he's literally suffocating you with his arm around your neck in a movie theater.

Okay, seriously... I could go on and on. But, I'll leave room for your input. What are qualities in a man that would make your heart melt? Feel free to add to my list...

Shockwaves

Greetings from deep in the heart of North Texas. Yesterday was a whirlwind of activity in my personal life -- ranging anywhere from a $60 5-minute doctor's appointment to spending 1.5 hours in a courthouse. Hopefully today will be much quieter!

Well, I was saddened to hear that our family's first interracial marriage of 20 years may be coming to an end. As I listened to the news over the phone, my heart went out to my 2nd cousin and his wife. Apparently, he went off to celebrate a birthday in the family... came home to the kids, but no wife -- and her clothes were gone.

I totally understand the emptiness and angst he must be feeling now. I've had two walkouts in my dating tenure, and I feel that it's damned near the worst way to break up with someone... especially when that much time has been put into the relationship. Then again, who knows how their marriage really was.

Just yesterday, a music teacher in Miami, FL shot his wife, 2 daughters, and then himself... a guy that by all neighborly and friendly accounts had forged the "perfect family". It's so scary how reality can be so much different than what we see through our eyes. People seem to be so good at deception nowadays... but sheesh -- abandoning someone you love or killing them outright is something that I could never comprehend... and it only seems to work in the movies.

Society has become so desensitized, sensationalistic, and cynical, hasn't it? How have things gotten to be so bad? Is it technology? Is it changing dynamics of the family unit... parents working more and parenting less? Who knows... but damn, this world is so crazy right now.

Terrorists Watched This Movie?

So, here I am... watching one of my favorite classics of the 1990s - Independence Day. For those of you who don't remember, this was a film headlined with actors such as Will Smith, Vivica Fox, Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, etc.

I figured since I have no running water for a shower right now, what better way to veer off the usual course of my blog topics by pointing something out very interesting in this movie. So anyway, aliens pay us a visit and end up threatening the entire world with technology that is far more advanced than ours.

The United States of America loses three of its most famous cities in the first wave of obliterations: Los Angeles, New York, and Washington, D.C. Above, the mighty Empire State Building was no match for the alien ship's primary weapon.

To the right, the U.S. White House was shattered into burning splinters shortly thereafter... and we even get to see the spreading destruction reach the U.S. Capitol Building and almost claim the life of President Whitmore as he zips away in Air Force One.

Now, as we watched what we thought to be an impossible scenario unfold -- a scene of destruction and chaos, terrorists in the real world were plotting to carry out a heinous attack on two out of three cities that we witnessed being destroyed in Independence Day... New York City, and Washington, D.C. Five years later, 9/11 would happen.. and change the world.

So, I watched just before the attacks happened, David Levenson (portrayed by Jeff Goldblum) makes the drive to Washington, D.C. and ultimately gives the President some life-saving information. As they boarded Marine One, he opens his laptop, which he synchronized with a hidden alien countdown signal. Pictured to the left, this is the time remaining until the attacks would be carried out. The time was running for a second or two on the movie, so I freeze-framed it and snapped a photo for a bit of blog fodder...

Makes you go hmmmmmmmmm.... could this be what gave the terrorists an idea of using 9/11 as a date to attack the United States?

Gay, Single, and Loving It

"Gay, Single, & Loving It"
by Brian Rzepcynzski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
We live in a society that places high value and expectation on being in a coupled relationship and singles are often stigmatized for their single-status. Gay men, in particular, are often labeled as being unable to develop and maintain long-lasting intimate relationships, adding yet another layer to this stigma. This can lead to feelings of low self-worth and inferiority, a sense that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have a boyfriend, an excessive focus and preoccupation with your discontent with being single, and sometimes a compulsive drive to find a relationship just to satisfy that nagging need (which can be a dangerous and sabotaging maneuver if one’s dating practices are conducted out of desperation rather than conscious intention).

For those who have not chosen singlehood as a lifestyle and do long to be in a relationship, this can be a painfully difficult experience. Special occasions, holidays, weddings, times of loneliness, and just witnessing other couples can be very triggering events for singles that serve to magnify their restlessness and unfulfillment with being solo. What these types of single gay men need most is a reassurance and recognition that this phase of life can be one of the most enjoyable and transformational times of their lives if they choose it to be. This article will validate the positive values of being single and will offer some suggestions for making the most of your single life.

The Benefits of Being Single
Singlehood is the time in your life where you have the greatest degree of flexibility and freedom to do whatever you want. You can be more spontaneous, independent, selfish, and adventurous because there can be less commitments and more time to pursue the things you want to do; you can make your life into anything that you want it to be as you’re completely in “the driver’s seat.” You have the ability to enter in and out of situations with relative ease and to meet a variety of new people. You are responsible only for yourself and can make choices and major decisions without having to take another into account or to have to answer to anyone. You don’t have to deal with another’s annoying habits or nuances and don’t have to compromise. Other aspects of your identity (career, family, friends, etc.) can have more emphasis as there’s less competition for your focus and attentions.

More importantly, though, being single puts you in the ideal position for cultivating yourself to reach your fullest potential as an individual. It’s an opportunity for self-exploration and investing in your own personal growth and development. It’s also an ideal time to learn what’s needed to be fully prepared for love when you find it, to experiment safely with your sexuality, and to explore different types of relationships. It’s fertile ground for learning about who you are and what your needs are. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. says it best in his book “Keeping the Love You Find”:

“Singleness would be recognized as a vital stage of the journey
to maturation, a time to learn about who we are, to learn
responsibility and self-sufficiency, to identify our true
desires, and to confront our inner strengths and demons, a time
to make changes in the things that stymie our pleasure and
progress in life, to learn how to connect and communicate on all
levels. It would be sorely needed relationship training.” (1)

Action Steps for Navigating Your Single Life
The following are some practical tips and suggestions for managing your singlehood to promote a positive acceptance and enjoyment of this special time in your life.

1. Create a checklist of the opportunities that being single affords you and start living them!

2. Start a journal about your single-status and what it means to
you. Answer the following questions:

• Why am I single? How do I feel about that?
• What do I want from being single?
• What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors hold me back from being able to embrace this time of my life?
• How do I contribute to my own unfulfillment with being single? How do I sabotage myself?

Don’t deny your feelings or ignore your desire for a relationship. Process these feelings in your journal and write about ways you can create more meaning and purpose in your life.

3. Identify the biggest challenges you face with being single and
develop goals to defeat them.

4. Develop affirmation cards. Grab some index cards and write
positive thoughts, motivational statements, advantages and opportunities of being single, and self-improvement goals onto the cards. Read them to yourself daily to begin internalizing the messages. Alternatively, stick the cards in a jar and during times of loneliness or depressive funks, refer to the cards for a quick pick-me-up.

5. Identify things you’ve always been meaning to do or try but
never made the time to pursue or learn. Take action.

6. Build your support system, join a class, volunteer for a cause
that’s meaningful to you, commit yourself to health and wellness.
Be active. Live your life to the max! Make it count!

Conclusion
As you can see, being single provides you with many opportunities for self-growth, fun, and preparing yourself for your life partner when you eventually meet him. Take advantage of this crucial time in your life to accomplish your life goals, improve your self-esteem, work through any internalized homophobia you may be struggling with, and build your interpersonal skills. It’s important to avoid glamorizing relationships because “the grass is not always greener on the other side” and to realize that having a boyfriend does not take away problems that you may already have in your life. Appreciate this time of your life and don’t measure your happiness or worth as a person on your relationship status.

The Law of Attraction states that we attract situations, people, and experiences in our lives that reflect who we are and what we focus on. Negativity about being single will only mirror, magnify, and attract more negativity. Counter this by taking charge of your single life and crafting it into being the most meaningful and fulfilling time of your life with its alignment to your life vision and purpose. Cheers to your becoming a successful single!

(1) Hendrix, H. (1992). Keeping the Love You Find. New York: Pocket Books/Simon & Schuster, Inc.

© 2004 Brian L. Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the
FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.