The Mt. Rainier Escape

I've spent the last week here in the Seattle area, and I must say, it's been a really fun trip. Not only did I finally make the trek to Mt. Rainier, but I also got the opportunity to do a lot of soul searching.

During my little excursion, I got a chance to hang out with some of the best co-workers I've ever been with. They were welcomed company, yet, oftentimes I felt alone in a strange way.

I laughed, drank, ate, hiked, and had a good time with very cool people -- but deep down, I knew that they would never be able to understand or relate to me on a level that gave me a true sense of belonging.

So, I have come to accept quite a few things... things I refused to accept up to this point. I've been running from some things in life and clinging to other things that just don't want to be held... situations that I can't change nor control. I've set an unrealistic bar of expectations in my personal and professional realms. I am who I am, and I can't expect everyone to touch the tip of the iceberg when it comes to understanding or relating to 'me'. The fact is -- through all of my blessings and accomplishments, there lies a thin layer of sadness that I just can't seem to shake. I feel as though life is hollow at times, filled with nothing but shallow, evil people and false hopes.

It's very hard to maintain optimism in today's world, almost overwhelmingly so. Too many people think they have all the right answers... the right ways to live... the entitlement to suppress and demean those who are different. But, as I strolled through the mountain meadows of wildflowers, I was able to escape from the jadedness and dig deep within myself to figure out if I need big changes.

There was once a very happy "Kevin"... a Black Man Next Door who always had a smile... confidence... a sense of impervious hopes and aspirations. There was no feeling of 'going through the motions'... constantly longing for the next day off from an extremely stressful job. There was purpose... meaning... and as I took in the smell of fresh, pine air, I realized that somehow, someway, I'd have to get myself back to the "Kevin" I used to be.

In order to do that, I had to list what is in my life now that was or wasn't there then. Hmmmmm... I didn't have my current job, some of my current acquaintances and friends, a house, and the memories I've built between then and now -- just to name a few.

I can't do anything about the memories and the choices that I've made along the way... only to use them as references to build something better. My house may have brought more bills upon me, but it certainly isn't my source of angst at the moment.

That leaves my job, current acquaintances, and friends. As I wandered through the snow near Mt. Rainier, I finally realized what I had to do. Like Mother Nature, I must do what I need to do to restore balance. Right now, the scale is too heavy with negative influences. The only way I can find that balance is by getting rid of that little by little until the scale is level again.

So, my dusty, rocky trails at Mt. Rainier have come to an end. Soon, I'll fly back to Dallas and grow a bigger sack of nuts that will be needed for some hard decisions ahead. A deep breath. A plane ride. A fast-beating heart. I know now what I must do.