The Black Man Next Door

The Triple-A Boot

2011-08-06T06:52:00.003-05:00

So, the United States is no longer in the AAA club... AAA credit rating club, that is. Downgraded to a lowly AA+. Should any of us be surprised?

I saw the headlines and figured I'd do a little Saturday morning reading. For the most part, the blame is on Congress and President Obama's plates. However, we forgot to blame one crucial thing.

The nonchalance of the "silent majority" of American people.

While we sit around and gripe about how Congress is acting like a bunch of babies, they continue to do exactly what we elect them to do. They are human beings with flaws, just like us. They lie, they cheat, they steal, and they manipulate -- no different than the their bosses that hired them. Then, we've put hundreds of them in a squared circle... each of them have their own needs and agendas to fight for based upon the people they represent.

Now comes the good part. Insert the hardliners -- the bosses that insist that you DO THIS OR ELSE!! What would you do if 100,000 of your supervisors came to you and demanded that you do something or be fired? You probably would do it, depending on your circumstances and whether or not the demand was outright criminal... especially if you have mouths to feed at home or people to take care of in your personal life. So, they blindly fall in line like mindless robots... brainwashed by the allure of power, money, prestige -- and more importantly fear of losing their job. Sounds like ordinary human beings to me -- just like those who elect them.

If we want positive results, perhaps we should lead by example. We need to teach future generations of politicians about respect and the difference between hurtful dialogue and healthy debate. We need to instill into them that having different backgrounds, qualities, and opinions are okay -- and that each and every one of us has something to contribute to a better society. Listen with an open mind, and then react... and let them know they aren't going to necessarily be punished for reaching across the aisle. After all, if we can't do this in public -- how realistic is it to believe we'd do it in office?

"Black Men Don't (Blank)"

2011-08-03T20:31:00.009-05:00

So, a friend at work and I had a nice discussion about what he has apparently never seen Black men do... and since he's never seen them do "BLANK", that must mean they DON'T do it, right? Well... this debate has a $5 wager on each example. My mission... prove him wrong. Since he could not verify the names I spat out to him, the link to this blog will be provided for additional evidence. Let's break down the examples.... Black Men Don't --------->

SWIM: Think again, my anonymous friend at work -- for whom I got into a healthy discussion with today. As you can see here, this is Cullen Jones... a three-time All-American swimmer. You gotta admit... I outdid myself proving you wrong on this one, my "brotha of a different color". I'll buy you a TV for Christmas and an annual subscription to a newspaper.

SKI: You may not know what the NBS is, so I thought this picture may provide a clue. Looks like you need to pay me my coins, my red-headed amigo. I promise, it's not a super-tanned Caucasian imposter skiing on a mound of sugar. This is all pure dark, sweet chocolate owning the slopes.... just like I now own your wallet.

PLAY HOCKEY: Oops... looks like I got you on this one too, my friend. That's an additional $5.00 in coinage you owe... and at this rate, your stereotypes are going to earn me a free lunch for the next week. Oh, and a little tidbit... that's Willie O' Ree in his younger years. And that's a Boston Bruins uniform he's in. Yeah, that's right... all gay men knew that, homie!

This has been an educational advertisement for that nameless guy at work whom I still love, no matter what stereotypes he has... or should I say had. It was a bold discussion between two adults, and I'm so proud of you for making yourself vulnerable. I take no offense... or checks... or credit cards. Open your wallet, because your rent is due.... Sucka!!

Who You Callin' a Tar Baby?!

2011-08-02T19:14:00.003-05:00

So, U.S. Representative Doug Lamborn recently decided to use the term "tar baby" when discussing President Obama's policies in a recent radio interview. I'm sure many people are up in arms over this, and Rep. Lamborn has sense sent a letter of apology to the president.

I should have known better than to read the politics section of the news today. Other than the return of U.S. Rep Gabrielle Giffords, it serves as nothing more than to piss me off to read stuff like this. He's definitely on the radar screen now, and I would hope that the scant number of African-American voters that checked his box a few years ago will keep a watchful eye out on this guy.

The Heat is On

2011-08-02T18:58:00.003-05:00

So, dig it.. it's 109 degrees in the shade here in Dallas -- with no relief in sight. The water restrictions are now firmly in place. The state government is pleading for homeowners to limit the use of electricity between the hours of 3:00PM and 7:00PM.

After receiving a manageable $189.71 electric bill last month, I went online to see if there were any tips I could use to make sure it stays manageable. I'm all about the environment and doing my part to conserve resources to satisfy the needs of community over needs of the individual.

However, I quickly realized one big problem with the government's plea to us, the lowly homeowners.

You see, while the elderly run a high risk of health-related issues during this time of year -- cutting down on the A/C and suffering as much as they can tolerate without outright dying -- you can walk into a nearby shopping center or grocery store and be instantly bathed in 65-degree air (In my case, a downtown hotel for a leadership summit). Of course, this isn't an exhaustive list of businesses that waste energy while we (the lowly underlings) are crimping on our energy usage.

Would it hurt business to turn the thermostat up to 78 or so during peak hours? What about the water fountains that gush water all over the 'Garden-of-Edenlike' landscaping around the neighborhood mall? The biggest energy consumers are seemingly getting away with murder while Grandma next door risks getting a ticket (that she can't afford to pay) if she happens to leave the sprinkler on 5 minutes past 10:00am.

What the F*CK is up with that?!

The Ex-Files: 2009-1970=39?

2011-07-30T22:46:00.004-05:00

Picture it. Dallas. 2009.

I was in one of those romantic dry-spells, healing my wounds and preparing to keep on living life. It was by sheer chance that I would bump into a guy online that I had chatted with years prior. Judging by his picture, he was a smoking hot guy -- and British, to boot!

Eventually, we would finally meet at a public place and start the process getting to know more about one another. And when that day came, he showed up in a nice pair of distressed jeans, a tight muscle shirt, and a baseball cap with rough edges. He almost looked like an older version of an Abercrombie and Fitch model. The first words out of his mouth carried the sweet sounds of a British accent, and I immediately felt my knees weaken.

As our date went on, I learned quite a bit about him. He told me he was a 39-year old Flight Attendant for a well-known airline. Eventually, we entered a relationship and I met his mother... and even his ex-boyfriend who had to have been pushing 50 or so. Then, the subtle signs began to appear.

He'd never let me see his passport or any other identification... and when I caught him dyeing his hair one day, my gut told me to ask him what year he was born.

"1970," he answered.
"Damn," I thought to myself.

After that, I must have asked him how old he was at least 5 more times -- and strangely enough, he'd always answer that he was born in 1970 rather than give me his age in years. I just knew he was lying about his age; but other than subtle things about his body that fueled my speculation, I had no hard proof... literally. Soon thereafter, I had my smoking gun that he was not 39 years old at all. In fact, he was 10 years off.... but damned good looking nonetheless.

Although we eventually broke it off, I was left wondering had he told me his real age at the time, would it have made any difference? Was I making a bigger issue out of it than it was? Yeah, I'll put it out there -- trust is a big thing for me, to the point of being an addiction. But there will always be that "what-if" thought in the back of my mind...

Did I potentially pass up a wonderful opportunity because 2009 minus 1970 didn't equal 39?

Only Black Men Need Apply... No Offense!

2011-07-30T21:18:00.007-05:00

So, here I am... roasting through another brutal summer in North Texas. As the sun scorches the landscape outside, I've taken refuge within the cool confines of my dwelling -- fighting off sheer boredom and relentless silence.

It wasn't long before I realized it was the perfect day to comb through the cyberstreets and see if there were any cool, single men out there to chit-chat with. As I "window-shopped", I couldn't help notice how many profiles contained phrases like, "Black Man looking for the same..." or "No Blacks or Asians... it's just my preference, no offense".

For some reason, these types of informational nuggets are eyebrow raising as they immediately trigger two stark trains of thought in my mind. Are those who go out of their way to post such distastes revealing racist qualities? Or, is this simply a method of weeding out people we know we won't be attracted to? And to that thought... how do we KNOW we won't be attracted to ALL members of a certain race?

Just browsing at the black-and-white definition of 'racist' in the dictionary (ummm.. no pun intended), if this is an example of being a racist, can we conclude that this individual has a hatred or intolerance for another race? Can we conclude that he/she thinks they are of a superior race due to inherent differences among the various human races? I don't believe so. In some strange way, it's almost like accusing gay men of being sexist because they automatically cross all women off of their dating portfolio.

Now things kind of blur when the aforementioned profiles reveal that he/she is open for something other than a relationship or sex -- like a good old fashioned friendship. Meeting new friends can't hurt, right? So, what if a White male that is truly looking for friendship automatically deletes chat requests from all Black men? Does that make him a racist? Or is he just being dishonest with himself, in that he isn't really looking for friendship?

And who said just women are complex individuals? (Sexist people, probably...)

Who Am I?

2010-07-18T11:58:00.003-05:00

Oh, there's nothing like a peaceful, lustful Sunday morning... the Lord's day of rest. Here I am, working intermittently on my first book and browsing through my favorite celebrity pages. Then, I passed this guy up and turned around for another peek. But do you know who he is?

The following is known:

1) He's an American actor, born in 1970.
2) He was badly injured in a 2007 car accident in California.
3) He's a character in one of my favorite TV shows -- "V"

So, what's your guess?

Help, I Can't Find a Man!!

2010-07-17T12:05:00.005-05:00

So, the beat goes on here in North Texas. The days are long and hot... unlike most other things during the dog days of summer. And man, did the "dog days" hit with a vengeance.

I spent the evening with one of my sidekicks, chatting over wine and food. We decided this week to stay away from the bars and just kick it at his place. Now I'll be the first to admit that he's quite a looker. Young.. smart.. handsome.. and has two of the most endearing qualities of a promising husband: a car and a job.

But that evening, his usual easy-going, perky attitude turned dark. He is getting fed up with his romantic outlook, and he bitched about not being able to find a man. I looked at him longingly, almost burning a stare through him. I was trying to find just the right way to tell him objectively and with tact. Then, it came to me... he was picky -- very picky -- in fact, almost to the point of disorder. Out of respect for the value of confidentiality, I will call him "Stud".

Dear Stud... every time we go out, you pick up the menu chocked full of delicious entrees and order something unrealistic:

Stud looks at waiter and demands, "Yes, I'd like the Man of the Day, well done but not charred, with exactly 1.2% fat, perfect teeth, a salary in excess of $70K/yr, no bad manners, no snoring, no smoking, works out 4 days a week, 100% honest, and always thinks I'm right. Plus, I don't ever want him to go 'window shopping' and to always sweep me off my feet."

Waiter rolls eyes and responds, "I'm sorry, Sir. We're fresh out of that."

Stud looks at me and hisses, "This is bull shit, Kev. Let's peel out of here."

Then, we bolt the restaurant and the cycle starts all over again. Maybe someday I'll get the courage to straight up tell him what he needs to hear. I admire him for knowing what he wants, but damn, his expectations are high.

Look, if you are in a restaurant of 30 people, and they are all 'ugly' or 'straight'... how long must you go on bitching about not finding a man before you compromise? Either try something on the menu that you'd probably end up loving, or bitch and starve. There are always options, some more logical than others. Stud, I love you, but wake up and smell the roses. You don't have to lower your standards -- just bring them in line with reality around you before you shrivel up, sag southward, and die alone.

Whatever you decide, I'm here as your endearing friend. *Raises glass* ... bottoms up!

Houston, We No Longer Have a Problem

2009-12-13T00:33:00.003-06:00

I just want to send a shout out to the city of Houston. 53.6% of you were able to look past Annise Parker's sexual orientation and evaluate her credentials. You are the largest Texas city to ever elect an openly gay mayor. Kudos!

Dallas was so close... maybe next time?

God of Convenience

2009-11-27T08:31:00.008-06:00

I hope everyone had a very safe, happy, and cherished Thanksgiving yesterday! Although I was unable to spend it with my family due to work, I'm thankful to be one of 89.8% of Americans that's not padding unemployment statistics right now. Instead, it was a day of thanks, friends, co-workers.... and football!

Last night, my Texas A&M Aggies played against the Texas Longhorns, in which we were heavy underdogs. A rivalry such as this becomes very important when you have a best friend rooting on the other team. We butted heads last night, and for the most part, kept dialogue to a minimum. But, when the Longhorns won a very good, close game, I was irked when their quarterback approached a news reporter and started spouting off about God, and how he's an awesome God, and the Lord Almighty this, that, and the other.

Of course, being deeply religious and proud of a close relationship with God is nothing for me to be hating about. I'm glad that young athletes embrace their religious roots. However, this little episode reinforces why I'm suspicious of athletes and this outpouring of religion on a football field - especially as a sideswipe answer to the reporter's actual question.

You see, last time the Longhorns were at our home field, things didn't end so well for them. They lost to a heavy underdog 38-30, and the Aggies helped sabotage their season. This same quarterback, Colt McCoy, sang a drastically different tune after that loss. There was no awesome God, Allah, Budda, Sheeba, and whoever else roams the divine clouds - only the evil, Satanic claws of defeat, pain, and angst. It was talk about what went wrong... what to improve on... you know, "football talk"... not "God-is-great talk".

What kind of message are we sending when we only show public displays of divine affection when we either win or get something we want? Perhaps if I had seen him on his knees thanking God for not suffering any life-threatening injuries in such a high collision sport, he'd have more credibility in my eyes.

With that said, I wish both sides all the best. There's a lot of talent and leadership that will aid many of these guys in their journey to greatness. But the next time one kneels after a touchdown and blows a kiss to the Heavens, I hope he/she can publicly acknowledge that there are blessings in defeat as well.

Happy Holidays everybody, and make it a great day!

Vacation in Chile

2009-11-07T06:42:00.007-06:00

I really didn't know what to expect when I arrived here in Santiago, Chile a few days ago. Of course, the usual questions roamed through my head when visiting foreign locations. How many Black people would I see? What is gay/lesbian life like here?

My intentions were to visit Buenos Aires, Argentina -- a place widely considered to be less conservative than Chile. But, that didn't pan out, so I now take in the surroundings here.

The scene here seems to be quite open in a lot of ways. The pretentiousness is nowhere near levels seen in the states. I don't see men and women walking down the street in super-designer labels, perfect bodies, and perfect hair. When walking down the streets of Santiago, I get the feeling that they are who I see they are as they walk by me.

A transgender walks hand in hand with a young lady. Two lesbians embrace near the Plaza de Armas. Even the Barrio Bellavista (where most Santiago clubs seem to be) blends in with other areas in a weird, can't-put-my-finger-on-it kind of way. Maybe it's the absence of Rainbow flags marking the entrance and exits to the neighborhood, among other things?

I'm definitely heading out to one of their disco clubs tonight... and I was told that things don't really get lit up here until after 1:00AM. I'm looking forward to sampling the gay culture here, and maybe even talking with some of the local gay men and women (through translator, because my Spanish sucks) to learn what it has been, and is like living in Chile.

Racism: The Two Way Street

2009-10-05T14:08:00.006-05:00

So, I was sitting at home enjoying a hot cup of coffee this morning when I received a very thoughtful story from my mother. In light of recent comments regarding anti-Obama sentiments linked to racism, I felt this story would serve as a reminder to keep things real on both sides of issues.

A Caucasian woman, somewhere in her mid 50s, was seated next to a Black passenger while boarding a flight from Dallas to London. She was obviously disturbed by this and eventually rang her call button to summon a Flight Attendant. A middle-aged White male quickly answered her call.

"How may I help you, Ma'am?" the Flight Attendant asked.

"Can't you tell what's wrong?" she snapped, "you placed me next to a Black man, and I don't agree with sitting next to someone from such a repugnant group. I demand to be reseated."

"Please calm down, Ma'am. This is nearly a full flight, so I will see if an empty seat is available," he replied softly. Then, he went away for a few moments and returned.

"Ma'am, just as I thought, there are no available seats in Economy class. However, I spoke to the captain and he informed me that there is a seat in First class," the Flight Attendant explained.

Before the woman could respond, he interrupted her and continued, "While it's not usual for our airline to permit someone from Economy class to sit in First class, we can certainly make an exception in this case. The Captain feels that it would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting."

The Flight Attendant turned to the Black man and said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to, please collect your carry-on luggage and join us in First class."

Witnesses to the event stood up in their seats in shock; gay and straight; Republican and Democrat; Black and White; young and old; man and woman... and they erupted into applause and cheer as the Black man was escorted to First class.

I guess no matter who we are, racism has no boundaries, and none of us are immune to its poison. Perhaps we should be careful in generalizing a particular group of people, regardless of which side of the fence we are on.

There will always be the White man that marched alongside Black men when justice eludes color. There will always be a straight man that rides on the brightest float in the Gay Pride parade. There will always be a Republican or Democrat that is willing to part with his/her own political affiliations to do what's right. Simply put, we can all be guilty, and there will always be someone that won't fit the definition of the label we've placed upon them... and they will turn us into the fool that sits on an empty row of the aircraft... marinating in our own folly.

For the woman in this true story, I feel sorry for her. Someday, she will get an organ transplant due to a life threatening illness... and I'd love to see the look on her face when she learns that her new heart came from a Black woman. Maybe, just maybe, it will open her eyes.

Texas Ban on Gay Marriage Unconstitutional

2009-10-01T18:28:00.003-05:00

Here is the story regarding a monumental ruling by Dallas Judge Tena Callahan:

CLICK HERE

Attorney General Greg Abbott will fight the ruling tooth and nail, but at least this is a start. It's a cruel irony that the dust was kicked up because two men wanted a divorce.

Malice in Dallas?

2009-09-26T17:06:00.004-05:00

Wow, who'd have thought that the beautiful Fountain Place tower here in Dallas would be plunged into the news two days ago? It could have been a very tragic terrorist attack, but was averted by an excellent operation performed, in part, by the FBI. Moments after the story broke, a rather vocal blogger had this to say:

"This also SCREAMS that we need to close our borders and control who comes into our country, and assure it's only with our permission and at our invitation."

Of course, the blame game continues against a myriad of targets: Obama, Bush, Democrats, Republicans, Muslims, Arabs... you name it. In the meantime, I'd love to hear this blogger's thoughts on how closing the borders and controlling who enters our country will help secure us against our own citizens... those like the American who attempted to pull off a similar terrorist act in Springfield, Illinois that very same day.

Yes, that delusional American citizen who empathizes with people such as John Walker Lindh; the deranged American, such as Timothy McVeigh, who thinks mass destruction is the answer to getting across anti-government messages. It's these people that we can't account for with border closures and immigration control, and none of us know how many homegrown nuts we truly have.

Besides... while I'm all for improved border security, protecting over 7400 miles of international border is unrealistic -- and I doubt it's the answer to plucking the homegrown nuts off the tree... or even those that follow the rules and come into our nation legitimately... only to unleash some hidden agenda in the future at some point.

Cycle of Evil, Part I

2009-09-24T17:05:00.002-05:00

Today, I feel like I'm 52 years old. For those of you who are keeping tabs, that's almost two decades ahead of my current age. The reason is very simple, and very sad as well.

You see... earlier yesterday, I hired a younger relative to mow my yard for some extra cash, because I'm a firm believer in working for your keep. He was out of gas and out of money... stranded without employment, motivation, or a future. Plus, he's had his run-ins with the law, which has since spawned a gargantuan rift in our small family.

On one side, there are those of us that believe nurturing and understanding will eventually break the cycle of evil. On the other side (which I'm on), we seek to avoid playing the role of "enabler" -- teaching and endorsing a sense of learned helplessness and diffusion of responsibility. I just can't afford to chunk money at him carte blanche; I demand hard work for honest gains. Sadly, I've been criticized for that approach and accused of not being there for a family member.

So, imagine how upset I was when I got home from work last night and the yard wasn't completely mowed. I had also discovered that he'd somehow used an entire 2-gallon jug of gasoline for my yard, which made no sense. I swiftly concluded that he put the rest of the gasoline into his car and drove off after doing a half-ass job.

There I was, grinding my teeth, when I received a text message from him. He wanted cash for an incomplete job, so I ran up to the ATM in the middle of the night to retrieve some cash. Then, I'd give him his money after he turned on the back porch light and/or flipped on a flashlight and finished mowing the yard closest to the house. Yeah, I'm prepared to take the label of asshole for that one. I'm cool with that. Nevertheless, however strong my resolve was, it had cost me precious sleep... hence, I feel like a 52-year-old man.

I'm so frustrated with him, and I wonder what it will take to break this cycle that he and other young men like him are in. What will it take to stop the stealing, drugs, and irresponsibility? Incarceration? Well, I'm wary of the overuse of incarceration as a means of staving off criminal and irresponsible behavior... and I certainly don't think capital punishment is the ultimate answer for anyone.

I'm just thinking to myself: How many youngsters like him have gone to jail and actually come out cleansed of their deviance? Are we just feeding a cycle of evil by breeding new generations of criminal predators through incarceration? Or, are we as a society marking young deviants with a scarlet letter of eternal failure? (Play your Race of Spades card here, if you dare.. or wait until my next post to see if it can be trumped.)

More and more, I think that even if juveniles escape back into society with the determination and motivation to make themselves a better person, they will ultimately carry with them an insurmountable stigma. Just ask the Michael Vicks of society... it doesn't matter that they served their punishment... they will always be criminals in society's eye.

With that said, should we blame them if they ask themselves, "What's the point?" Should we blame them if they have the mentality that they have nothing to lose? It's a vicious cycle of evil, I tell ya.

The Phone Slave

2009-09-21T07:43:00.006-05:00

Okay, now that I've finished up a hot bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, I finally decided to take out my mobile phone and see who's contacted me since yesterday morning. Yes, that's right... a day without answering my phone. A day without returning text messages.

I know, I know -- I hear it every day. I confess that I just plain suck at answering my mobile phone. It's not that I hate the world, or that the person that's calling me has somehow pissed in my milk... rather, some people are slaves to their phones. I'm not.

I work next to a phone that rings constantly for up to 16 hours a shift. I walk two dogs, which leaves no hands available to answer the phone. I mow a 1/2 acre lot almost constantly due to demonically-growing grass/weeds, which makes it far too noisy to hear if someone calls. I commute to and from work, and would rather not plow into an 18-wheeler talking on the phone about a sale at Armani Exchange. I don't have a phone clip to hook my phone into my belt loop and the matching t-shirt that says, "iBitch". It simply means that I have a brave, new world out there that I occasionally explore free from technology.

As I've mentioned before, I'll never understand society's dire need to take calls no matter where they are... especially the guy chatting on his phone from the confines of a stinky bathroom stall. And don't get me started with airline passengers that have to be told 50,144 times to turn their frickin' mobile phones off so we can depart on time.

*sigh* Sheep... mere sheep.

Nonetheless, I tolerate such addictions because we are all different. For those of you who are frustrated with guys like me that don't answer the phone immediately, I humbly ask for reciprocal toleration. Phones are nowhere near the top of my priority list... never have been... never will be. If it's an emergency that can't wait until I check my voice mails and return your call, chances are better if hang up and dial 9-1-1.

I'm a dinosaur... living in the past when there were no mobile phones. Please don't be mad at me or any others like me. It doesn't mean we are cheating, lying, stealing, or in the middle of something... promiscuous. It doesn't mean we are angry, reclusive, or arrogant. It just means that some of us out there are resistant to total assimilation by technology. It's nothing personal... 99% of the time... I swear.

The Three Doors

2009-09-12T10:07:00.003-05:00

It's a cool, wet morning here in North Texas... eight years and one day removed from one of the most vicious, history-altering events of our great nation. Some spent 9/11/09 in a prolonged state of reflection. For others, like one of my friends and former high school classmates it served as a reminder of 'why he hates God... why he's now an Atheist'.

Of course, technically, he can't hate something that he doesn't believe in because that would acknowledge its existence... but it was a very bold statement to make on a worldwide stage such as Facebook or Myspace. So, for those of us who identify ourselves as Spiritual or a member of an organized religion, why was 9/11 "allowed" to happen in the first place? Why did those terrorists slaughter many Americans? What message were they really trying to send?

In my opinion, the seeds of religion run deep into the soil of countless acts of violence, oppression, and suffering that have stained this world's cloth with the blood of innocent people. Life on this planet is morphing into something that is increasingly unsustainable, and when Gayagenda.com's James Hipps challenged me with the question of how to counteract the effects of the Religious Right, this unsustainable state of affairs has become more and more apparent to me.

I believe we have reached the end of a hallway and now stand before three doors. Behind one door, there are endless acts of violence based upon unprovable beliefs that will eventually make 9/11 seem like a blip on the radar screen. Behind door number two, the disproportionate ratio of natural resources to consumers will serve as a catalyst for our arrogance, which will trigger a human-spawned Armageddon that will kill billions. And, behind door number three... there is a single shopping basket. Inside, there's logic, common sense, reason, and hard evidence -- enough to make 7 billion doses of a potion that will provide a greater sense of self-awareness. A potion that will help us see any and all outdated claims and beliefs regarding religion.

The problem is, the doors are not numbered, and we can't open more than one at a time; but one must be opened. So, how do we counteract the Religious Right? I bluntly believe that you can't make someone change... you can only poke holes in their beliefs, such as question what the Bible says about hermaphrodites. If it doesn't say anything or specifically address the implications of God's children who are born with both sexual organs, then certainly, one can draw into question the basic foundation upon which the Religious Right draws their power.

And don't even get me started about finding life on other worlds. Just think of the motives that drive those in power to ensure that we never truly know that answer unless E.T. lands on the White House lawn. Of course, if the Bible specifically addresses that scenario as well, please let me know where you find it. The bottom line is -- over time -- more events will unfold that cannot be affirmed in the Bible, and thus bring about questions that will erode the Religious Right's credibility, with or without our help. In a nutshell, Mr. Hipps... the answer is either time or opening up the door with the shopping basket behind it. Hopefully, we won't kill ourselves in the meantime.

Twist of Fate

2009-09-09T20:56:00.004-05:00

I just wrapped up a guest appearance on James Hipps' Blogtalk radio show, featured every Wednesday on Gayagenda.com. It was truly an honor and a refreshing experience!

I was just about to crack open some wine and kick off the 3rd season of The Lair, when I ran across an article in the local news. Apparently, several pro-Gay Christian billboards have been spotted along one of Dallas/Ft. Worth's major arteries, Tom Landry Highway (Interstate 30). And so the fiery debate begins.

In an incredible twist, a woman driving down the freeway sees this gargantuan billboard and gets all riled up and pissed off... so much that she fires a scathing email stating that she didn't appreciate the Lord's words being twisted to fit someone's needs. But lady, dare I ask... Doesn't EVERYONE do that? As a matter of fact, aren't YOU doing that right now by getting upset because someone interpreted the word of God in a way that YOU didn't agree with?

While I applaud these local churches for apparently endorsing gay acceptance, one could easily argue that they 'accept' gays in their congregations and collection plates -- but not necessarily incorporate gay acceptance in their sermons.

I'll dig up more info on the five churches that sponsored these billboards and get back to ya. In the meantime, this receives a YELLOW light.

Is There an Artist In The House?

2009-09-07T11:00:00.004-05:00

The Black Man Next Door has been working feverishly on a gay fiction novel, and things are coming along very well. A special thanks to those friends who have been very encouraging and supportive along the way. Finally, there may be light at the end of the tunnel.

Eventually, I'll have a dedicated website and a Facebook page for the work. But in the meantime, does anyone know someone that's great at book cover illustrating? GLBT or GLBT-friendly artists are welcome to hit me up for more details!

The Mt. Rainier Escape

2009-07-31T03:28:00.004-05:00

I've spent the last week here in the Seattle area, and I must say, it's been a really fun trip. Not only did I finally make the trek to Mt. Rainier, but I also got the opportunity to do a lot of soul searching.

During my little excursion, I got a chance to hang out with some of the best co-workers I've ever been with. They were welcomed company, yet, oftentimes I felt alone in a strange way.

I laughed, drank, ate, hiked, and had a good time with very cool people -- but deep down, I knew that they would never be able to understand or relate to me on a level that gave me a true sense of belonging.

So, I have come to accept quite a few things... things I refused to accept up to this point. I've been running from some things in life and clinging to other things that just don't want to be held... situations that I can't change nor control. I've set an unrealistic bar of expectations in my personal and professional realms. I am who I am, and I can't expect everyone to touch the tip of the iceberg when it comes to understanding or relating to 'me'. The fact is -- through all of my blessings and accomplishments, there lies a thin layer of sadness that I just can't seem to shake. I feel as though life is hollow at times, filled with nothing but shallow, evil people and false hopes.

It's very hard to maintain optimism in today's world, almost overwhelmingly so. Too many people think they have all the right answers... the right ways to live... the entitlement to suppress and demean those who are different. But, as I strolled through the mountain meadows of wildflowers, I was able to escape from the jadedness and dig deep within myself to figure out if I need big changes.

There was once a very happy "Kevin"... a Black Man Next Door who always had a smile... confidence... a sense of impervious hopes and aspirations. There was no feeling of 'going through the motions'... constantly longing for the next day off from an extremely stressful job. There was purpose... meaning... and as I took in the smell of fresh, pine air, I realized that somehow, someway, I'd have to get myself back to the "Kevin" I used to be.

In order to do that, I had to list what is in my life now that was or wasn't there then. Hmmmmm... I didn't have my current job, some of my current acquaintances and friends, a house, and the memories I've built between then and now -- just to name a few.

I can't do anything about the memories and the choices that I've made along the way... only to use them as references to build something better. My house may have brought more bills upon me, but it certainly isn't my source of angst at the moment.

That leaves my job, current acquaintances, and friends. As I wandered through the snow near Mt. Rainier, I finally realized what I had to do. Like Mother Nature, I must do what I need to do to restore balance. Right now, the scale is too heavy with negative influences. The only way I can find that balance is by getting rid of that little by little until the scale is level again.

So, my dusty, rocky trails at Mt. Rainier have come to an end. Soon, I'll fly back to Dallas and grow a bigger sack of nuts that will be needed for some hard decisions ahead. A deep breath. A plane ride. A fast-beating heart. I know now what I must do.

"Honey, It's Just Broken"

2009-07-20T07:39:00.006-05:00

So, has anyone watched the old, classic movie, "A Christmas Story"? If you have, the lamp pictured to the left should come flowing back into your memory banks. The next question is, how does this lamp end up as a blog post?

Good question. I'll get to that momentarily, I promise. In the meantime, perhaps you can relate to the nice person that brought home his/her first lover to meet the parents. Maybe you can relate to the feeling of the first kiss... the first time in the sheets... the long line of memories spawned by a relationship that you deemed to be a very special part of your life.

Now, say that life backhands you in the face, and you are betrayed by this 'special lover'. In fact, it happens over and over again until something even worse happens -- you come down with an STD, you are taken advantage of, or you are used and abused, etc. These relationships are analogous to the leg lamp from "A Christmas Story".

If you've watched the movie, you know what happens to this leg lamp, right? And how does the father respond? He attempts to glue it back together and return it quickly to its pedestal by the window. Then, the world could see its prominence and influence once again. Of course, the lamp is broken beyond repair, and no amount of glue is going to make it whole again.

In a way, perhaps the father saw this as an escape from the reality that his wife's legs will never look like that again... an escape to something that could get his hormones raging again, like they were during his younger days. Nevertheless, internal dialogue kicks into the father's brain... "Honey, It's Just Broken" ... and he gets rid of the lamp and moves on.

As I cross paths with more and more men in the dating world, I wonder to myself, when is that internal dialogue going to kick in for them? Will they run out of glue before they realize that the leg lamp will never be the same again? Will they grow tired of gluing its gaping cracks, and then worrying/wondering when it's going to come crashing down again? When will they stop ignoring the store with a Mega-Sale on premium lamps?

*Sigh* I guess some men look for a new lamp... some men buy another case of glue.

I used to be the man that spent my whole paycheck on glue... and I often wonder what kept me going back for more. Seriously, what is truly behind the difficulty in letting someone go? I can't speak for all the other guys that are still squirting glue at a broken lamp, but I used to think it was the power of sentimentality at work.

Now, I wonder if I was running from something... maybe a deep seeded fear of being alone? Maybe I was running away from some sort of inequity, deficit or surplus? Maybe the glue-squirters of the present are running from something, too?

Whatever the case may be, my key to ditching the glue was to accept that while shopping for just the right lamp, very good things can happen in the dark!

The Lost Art

2009-07-02T07:41:00.004-05:00

So, yesterday I was at work minding my own business when "BLING!" I got new email. It was from a man (whom I'll refer to as Witch Doctor) that I was in the dialogue phase of the whole dating scene. We had seemingly developed a good rapport, but things were suddenly cut loose from his end via text message last week.

Quite honestly, I've learned to expect that most of the time -- call me jaded, that's fine. Perhaps 10, maybe even 5 years ago, I'd be pretty upset and distraught. Nowadays, I toss it over my shoulder like grains of salt. But, this e-mail I received represented a lost art in today's society. As I read his words, I honestly couldn't believe that he had sent this message... an apology.

I checked to make sure it went to the right person. The correct name was in the header... yep... he was aiming this right at me. It was a package with lost art inside -- one of the best gifts a soul can receive -- an apology.

Now, maybe you appreciate a detailed explanation embedded within an apology. Me, I don't particularly care to have explanations 99% of the time. I believe that, unlike my coffee, the less cream you add to an apology, the better and more sincere it becomes. No rationalization. No excuses. No justification.

Witch Doctor had nailed it down, and he certainly did his homework on performing this lost art in a way that I find pure and sincere. He acknowledged what happened. He said, "I'm sorry if I hurt you in any way." There was no 'blame-transfer' or anything like that.

As such, I had to thank Witch Doctor for restoring my faith in the belief that there are still people out there that care about others' feelings. To me, sincere apologies are one of the most fantastic pieces of art. I wish Witch Doctor all the best, and I hope that he finds nothing but peace and prosperity in his future.

Children of the Closet

2009-06-28T13:30:00.002-05:00

Work and fiction writing have taken their toll on the Black Man Next Door's free time as of late. But, as I toil away at today's agenda, I had to stop and show appreciation for an article I came across on today's news.

In the war against bigotry, homophobia, and plain ignorance, perhaps our most powerful weapons are the emerging stories of children raised by gay parents. In this particular article, I love the fact that this 29-year-old man is straight and Republican -- a testament to his lesbian parents' ability to raise a child with the freedom to develop a free-thinking, healthy psyche; to forge his own path, even if his philosophies are different than his own parents. He's successful, he's bright, and he's mastered an art of love and acceptance that's admirable in its own right.

Nevertheless, I find it amazing that people like Dale O'Leary still even have legs to stand on... clinging to the belief that somehow children need a male and female parent in order to develop normally. This is a slap in the faces of single parents, as well as those of us who were raised by one.

How many of these stories will they need in order to get it?

Obama's Justice

2009-05-01T08:17:00.008-05:00

So, Justice David Souter is the next one to retire from the U.S. Supreme Court. Although his successor probably won't shift ideological leanings one way or the other, President Obama is faced with yet another very important task of choosing Justice Souter's replacement. I'll be watching with great interest!

Mr. May

2009-05-01T00:01:00.000-05:00

It was many years ago that I first laid eyes on Mr. May -- back in my days of watching the soap opera The Young & The Restless. Eddie Cibrian played the part of a bad young man named Matt who did some very devious things. This naughtily delicious man paid his dues and faded from the show -- never to be seen again on Y&R.

Now, this 6' 2", 35-year-old Gemini is back in my thoughts with a vengeance. Mr. May is a Cuban-American actor that any man-o-philic person can appreciate. From his lovely dimples on down to his shoes, Mr. May provides delicious candy for the wandering eye. (I'll let the pictures tell all)

Mr. May is a rather interesting man once you peel away the outer looks. Aside from an alleged affair with LeAnn Rhimes, perhaps his stint as one of the 3-member boy band 3Deep is an even tastier tidbit. Come on, 3Deep? I'm wet already.... anyway, it's been 10 years since their debut album "Yes Yes Yes... No No No".

This 1999 album featured their hit single Into You. (Now, I'm really drooling...) Nevertheless, the band wasn't as well-known here in the States as it was in Canada and other countries; if you were a follower of the soap opera Y&R, you'd definitely know Mr. May and his fellow 3Deep band member, Joshua Morrow.

So Mr. May has sex appeal... that much is apparent. Finding substance in a hottie can be a bit more challenging; for Eddie, it's there. For one, I can appreciate a romantic from time to time, and my knees stirred like soup when I read that Mr. May proposed to his lover Brandi Glanville just a few seconds before the turn of the millennium.

A man with an education is also something to appreciate, as Mr. May attended UCLA and majored in Business and Economics. He is also involved in several charities such as the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Some other notables about Mr. May is that he enjoys football, tennis, golf, and basketball. His list of filmography includes the TV series, "Third Watch" (1999-2005), "Invasion" (2005-2006), ""Criminal Minds" (2007), and "Ugly Betty" (2008).

Mr. May -- Eddie Cibrian

Free Cat

2009-04-30T12:21:00.003-05:00

Okay... I may not be a cat fan, but that's cold-blooded.
Dark humor to admire from time-to-time, though...

Conformity

2009-04-24T08:59:00.001-05:00

One of the biggest ironies in my personal life was being afraid to fly, and then seeking employment with an airline to alleviate my fears. Not only did I conquer my fear in many baby steps, but I was also given the opportunity to meet and be exposed to people from all walks of life. Hence, this is where I get off into a very touchy subject that was spawned from my post on Dallas' recent smoking ban.

I remember my first encounter with a passenger that was pissed off because she couldn't smoke on the aircraft. She recalled the days where she could get up into that metal tube and light it up, and now, the evil ones that be are coming up with more and more regulations. Of course, I was a little tyke back when it was legal, and the look on her face was that of a blissfully reminiscing lady.

At this point in the conversation, there were two choices -- not just for her, but for those around her that will be indirectly affected by whatever choice she makes at this juncture. It's not just about what's fair or unfair to her, and it's not about judging her as being right or wrong... and it wasn't an attempt at personal insensitivity -- it was about conformity. The dreaded "C" word that someone, somewhere will inevitably have to endure.

So back to the choices: 1) The lady could choose not to conform and get a refund -- take a car, bus, boat, or alien spacecraft instead. 2) The lady could choose to conform and board the plane, yet refrain from smoking until she landed.

And because her choices affect those around her, those people are now confronted with choices as well. For those people, their choices are: 1) Conform to an atmosphere that they feel is personally unfavorable to their bodies and endure the flight. 2) Refuse to conform, deplane, and request a refund or another flight.

I believe that conformity blends in with choice -- and choice almost always affects more than just one person. Like it or not, someone's "freedoms" are encroached in the situation above. I chose to listen to her complain about something that was beyond my control -- yet, something for which I could see two sides to the issue. Saying "Yes, Ma'am" over and over again wasn't my way of brushing her off and being insensitive, rather, it was my duty to inform her of her choices and address the next person.

That lady paled in comparison to an issue regarding the "Customer of Size". You have an overweight passenger that feels singled out when he is told that he must pay for an extra seat IF he chooses to fly on this airline. It was a very delicate tight-rope to walk, and I empathized with the gentleman. However, there was the "other side" of the equation that suffered in silence. Again, both sides have a choice. Both sides' pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness have been encroached -- because they are on different sides of the fence. As a result, someone has to conform if they want to receive their product.

Yes, I ultimately disagreed with the gentleman, because the fact is -- he did absorb two seats. It was one less seat that could have been purchased by another passenger -- not to mention the gentleman would have been encroaching the space of the passenger next to him. Insensitive? Depends on how you look at it. Judgmental? Depends on how you look at it. Unfair? Well, what exactly is the definition of unfair, and did that apply only to the Customer in front of me?

If a non-smoker and a smoker walked up to you, both wanting to go to a bar -- the non-smoker doesn't want to smoke, and the smoker wants to smoke -- how would you personally address the issue without singling one of them out? Do you believe things like a flat tax on all income and goods would be fair, equitable and realistic -- and can we truly achieve fairness and equality across the board in this world?

Beginning of an Era

2009-04-17T11:07:00.006-05:00

Today marks the beginning of a new era, a day of storms and cool weather here in North Texas. I got up this morning and headed for the coffee machine like I always do. But when I got there, I found a brand new coffee pot and a thank you card from my now ex-roommate. He thanked me for 4+ years of good times and a nice friendship... quite touching, actually.

When I realized that I had no filters, I came back to the bedroom and got dressed. On my way out to the grocery store, he was outside loading up a truck... and it was then that I learned something about myself.

I was too choked up for words, and I may have gotten just a bit teary-eyed. But one thing I couldn't bring myself to do was to say "goodbye". I knew once I left for the store and came back, he wouldn't be there. This was my chance... but all I could manage to say was that I'd contact him soon... not knowing if that would even be possible.

So, then I rushed into the car and sped away, leaving a vapor trail as I peeled around the corner. Now, you'd think I would know something like that about myself by now. After all, I am a ripe age of 34. But in retrospect, I never really had the opportunity to say goodbye to someone on my own terms... you know... to say goodbye to them AS they were in the act of departing. Sure, I've attended funerals and a wide range of other "goodbye" ceremonies -- but those are somehow different.

I could stand over a dead person and say goodbye all day long. But, that wouldn't invoke the feeling I had when I saw my ex-roommate and dear friend loading up a truck for what could be our last moment together in this lifetime.

*Sigh*... the thunder roars... and rain pours... he has ridden into the sunset... another interesting twist in life's timeline that signals the beginning of a new era.

Texas Tea Party

2009-04-16T15:02:00.002-05:00

Well, yesterday's Tax Day went off without a hitch... almost. Many people are hearing about Texas Governor Rick Perry firing up an Austin crowd with talks of Texas seceding from the United States of America. CNN's post on this subject received over 300 comments before it was closed off.

It never ceases to amaze me at how one-eyed some people can be. One of the many anti-signs held up during yesterday's tea party urged us to stop "Obama's Socialism". Where was this bitch when Bush's administration crafted most of the bailouts that are taking place now? Where was the "Stop Bush's Socialism" sign when then-President George W. Bush appropriated bailout money for the automobile industry?

These tea parties are a crock of shit, really... and I want to stress that not all Texans are advocating seceding from the United States -- myself included. The blood of our family members have been spilled to give us what we have today. I'm proud to be an American, and I'll be damned if some right-winged cronies take that from me.

However, I believe the rest of the nation can sit back and chill. This secession talk will come to a screeching halt the next time Mother Nature rams a hurricane up Texas' ass. There was no need to even mention the issue of secession -- at all -- except for personal political gain. This only serves to distract our great nation from bigger threats and global issues, and it's time for sore losers to fold up their tents and come back into the American fold.

After all, just last week, Gov. Perry groveled for FEMA assistance regarding wildfires that threatened over 95 counties. It's obvious that we all need each other, especially in times of crisis. Seriously, Texas needs to watch what it wishes for. If secession were to ever happen, I'd high-tail my ass to American soil and rebuild my life in another state.

In the meantime, when the next devastating hurricane barrels onshore, the ungratefulness will come to fruition, and I'll be watching from American soil... praying for my Texan brothers and sisters to come back to their senses.

Ahoy, Matey!

2009-04-15T10:25:00.005-05:00

With piracy consuming the American media these days, I have to stop and give kudos to the Navy SEALS, the former hostage and Captain who was recently rescued, and to President Obama. Up until now, when I thought of pirates, I envisioned black hats with skulls, parrots on their shoulder, and... well... it never dawned on me that I've never seen a real life dark-skinned pirate.

Looking at this pirate pictured in this post, this just shatters everything I thought pirates were. There are no gold chests and other treasures on these boats. Most of these men are doing what they do because they are part of a failed government; a poor, starving nation that cannot feed its own people.

Normally, I'm not an advocate for violence. However, I agree that this piracy war will ultimately end on land... and hopefully, many nations can truly work together on this issue. Until then, this is what the Black Man Next Door would do if he were in command.

You remember the story of the Trojan horse? Well guess what... I'd be sailing phantom boats with fake cargo up and down the Gulf of Aden --- luring pirates like roaches. Imagine their surprise when they find nothing but a throng of troops ready to stub them out. Yes... hundreds of booby trapped boats... like mobile roach motels, giving pirates something to marinate over.

Of course, the other option would be to simply arm these vessels so they have a fighting chance when pirates board their ships. Why there are so many unarmed boats sailing in pirate-infested waters, I'll never understand....

The Big Gay Surprise

2009-04-10T16:07:00.007-05:00

So, apparently Polish right-wing fanatics fail to understand that homosexuality goes far beyond the human species. I was tickled to death when I read this article - HERE.

What I find tragic about the article is that the head of the zoo really thinks this animal is "too young to decide" whether he prefers males or females. That zookeeper is in for a big disappointment.

One has to question this zookeeper's credentials if he hasn't heard of gay animals, and one has to wonder what the pissed off politician thinks about homosexuality being a choice.

Changes in the Wind

2009-04-08T13:36:00.010-05:00

2009 has turned out to be a wonderful year so far, albeit only 25% complete. Compared to last year, things could only have gone up... and now, I can feel changes in the wind.

Starting in May, I'll be alone for the first time in seven years. On the surface, it may sound bad... especially for those who are wary of loneliness. However, I won't have that lonely feeling. My roommate is moving out, and it will just be the dogs and me in the house.

I will hear the creaking of the house; the wind rushing against the window; a dog in the distance; the tiniest raindrops hitting the roof. Peace and quiet... total autonomy... laying on the couch naked, watching whatever I want, whenever I want.

There won't be a lover in my bed, which isn't all bad either. At least my arm and shoulder won't be numb from sleeping in awkward positions. I won't be waking up to his alarm clock, or his bedshaking trips to the bathroom, or his snoring. Dare I say it? I'm actually at peace being single and having my house all to myself... me, the Black Man Next Door.. a man driven by intimacy and connection.

In retrospect, I think 2008 took something from me -- a very big part of me -- and now, I refuse to give away just a part of me to another guy. Finally, I'm quite comfortable with taking all the "me time" I need, enjoying life as it presents itself, and being as selfish as possible without consequence to someone else. Perhaps someday, I'll once again have the whole me to give away to that special guy.

Tattoos and Darkness

2009-04-04T20:41:00.000-05:00

Well now, it appears that a friend has just lost a bet. You see, once upon a time, there was an argument between the Black Man Next Door and a close friend... we'll call her Fag Hag X.

In this story, we walk past a tattoo parlor on a lovely afternoon. Suddenly, we stop and gaze for a bit. I had visions of moons, yin-yangs, and suns dancing in my head. Could this be my daring moment? Should I finally step out of my shell and do something that I've always wanted to do?

I took one look at Fag Hag X, got down on one knee, and popped the question.... Should I get a tattoo?

She then proceeded to tell me how Black men are fiiiiiiiiiine, as long as they don't have tattoos. Then, she dares me to find just ONE black man that looks good with them. For some reason, her mythical brain thinks that tattoos just don't look good on a Nubian body. So, in this Tattoo War, I say behold... my weapon of mass destruction -- Tyrese Gibson! I put this WMD into an email and forwarded to her for review. I'm still awaiting a response.

Go on... you feel lucky? Huh? You feelin' lucky Ms. X? Just check out that work of art inked into a work of art... then look at me in the eye and tell me how nasty tattoos are on a Black man. Yes, I believe my Fag Hag X has just been put into checkmate... thanks to Mr. Tyrese Gibson!

Great American Smokeout

2009-04-01T20:33:00.000-05:00

So, it's no April Fool's joke here in America. Today, American smokers were hit with an extra 62 cent excise tax on cigarettes, and people are getting pissed. Also here in Dallas, a smoking ban goes into effect this month, and the gayborhood bars will be smoke-free.

One elderly man paid $58 for a 10-pack carton of cigarettes in Colorado, and like others, he feels like smokers are being singled out. Another elderly woman flat out says that we are picking on poor people that smoke, and it's just not fair.

Okay, now as a non-smoker, I certainly appreciate my clean air to breathe when I go out. I personally believe that smoking is disgusting, and the chances of me dating a smoker are much lower than another non-smoker. Moreover, while I understand that smoking is a deadly addiction, these two elderly people have a very simple solution to their problem if they are too poor to buy cigarettes.

Not to mention that it's not unfair to tax certain products higher than others. You still have a choice whether to purchase it or not. Besides, look at alcohol in America. The tax on that is not low, either... and by far, the airline industry bears one of the highest tax ratios in comparison to the base price of the product they sell -- airline tickets. But if you don't like that... the beauty of living in America is... you simply A) Shop around for alternatives. B) Don't buy it at all.

Mr. April

2009-04-01T00:01:00.014-05:00

Warm and wet -- that's what April is around these parts... and the Black Man Next Door was all about that when searching for Mr. April, Canadian Actor, Ryan Rodney Reynolds. Some R&R we can all appreciate, right?

It's weird that the first time I saw him was on the horror movie remake, The Amityville Horror. To ponder the frailty of a human mind that's 'taken over' by some unseen force is quite frightening... but one look at him, and I got over it pretty fast.

"Vetting" eligible men for this position has proved to be quite difficult, yet rewarding.... considering the eligibility requirements. For the basics, Mr. April is originally from Vancouver, British Columbia - a city that I thoroughly enjoyed, and I wished I had bumped into Mr. April then. At 6'2", Ryan is a 32-year-old Scorpio with rich, deep credentials.

Many of us gay men aspire to win the heart of one who not only takes care of himself physically, but mentally, too. In our many endeavors to find a man like Ryan Reynolds, we find narcissism, overcompensation, and emotional coldness in his place. But when that nightmare is not realized, a moment of reflection is definitely due.

In researching Mr. April, one thing that particularly struck a chord in my heart was Ryan's trip to Malawi a couple of years ago -- documented in an exclusive article on The Advocate. Now, many "celebrities" journey to places that are chocked full of humanitarian afflictions for various reasons. I'm always wary of their true intentions... skeptical about their sincerity vs. their desire to come away with a more marketable image.

Not Mr. April. In going to Malawi to help repair a crumbling orphanage and visit medical facilities, Ryan Reynolds managed to do a good deed for a worthy cause, all while squelching my skepticism over his humbleness.

There are many other things about Mr. April that provide much more dimension to his delicious physique, if you're more interested than just getting him in the sack, that is. Here are some general tidbits about Ryan Reynolds:

Ryan enjoys fishing, motorcycles, mountain biking, and football.

Mr. April has a fear of flying, but obviously overcomes that somehow because he loves to travel, and his favorite city is Amsterdam.

Ryan used to work in nightclubs, a grocery store, and yacht club... jobs that the 'everyday man' can identify with.

One of my favorite quotes from Mr. April regarding the issue of "Outing":

"Hence the witch hunt. That’s what frustrates me about some of the celebrity blogs in particular. They’re so obsessed with outing certain celebrities or punishing the people they think should be out that it turns into sort of this new McCarthyism. If I were a gay man, I’d like to believe that it would be my choice if I were to publicize that or not."

Mr. April - Ryan Reynolds

The Holy Shell Game

2009-03-26T19:23:00.001-05:00

My hiatus from Texas continues, as I am thoroughly enjoying a well-needed vacation. Now that I'm 72 hours removed from the esteemed American Bible Belt, I can look at it with a bird's eye view and really understand why I hate living there.

I remember having a rather heated conversation with a co-worker regarding religion and spirituality. Although she is a very nice lady, she just couldn't understand how I could go from being a Baptist to a person that claims to just be 'Spiritual'. In her view, 'Spiritual' people are going to hell because we are essentially rejecting the Almighty. You know the rest... repent for being a cocksucker, blah blah blah... burning in hell... blah blah blah... lake of fire... blah blah blah.

Mmmmm hmmmmm. So, what is my problem with religion? It's simple, really. It would seem that every 'one-God' religion shuns upon us idolizing other Gods, and thus, idolatry is like a Level 5 sin. Okay, my dear, sweet lady... so how do you know that 'The Lord' is the correct one to idolize? How do you know you aren't being tricked by some dubious Demon or Devil into thinking your God is the right one to worship? Is the correct God the one that hates fags? Is the correct God the one that so many wars of oppression, affliction, and violence have been waged over? How do you know that you aren't straying away from Allah, or Raheem, or Khalil, or Holy Rock, or some other nutwing that claims to be the way of 'God'?

You don't. Neither do I. As such, I find the safest course of action is to adhere to the belief that there is a higher power... I just don't know His/Her/Their/It's name... and truthfully, it doesn't matter to me. What does matter to me is that I live the best possible life that I can. I treat others with respect and dignity. I do good things. I love others, regardless if they hate me. I try to make the world a better place. If your God will send me to Hell anyway, since I suck dick and all, then which of us truly has morals? Your God.... or your friendly cocksucking co-worker?

Prohibition Sunday

2009-03-20T17:37:00.007-05:00

So, Sundays continue here in Texas without hard liquor sales. About 10 days ago, a survey went out regarding legislation that currently prohibits Texas stores from selling hard liquor on Sundays. Apparently, the overwhelming majority of 400 voters were opposed to overturning that legislation.

Mind you, bars can sell hard liquor drinks seven days a week; still, many people felt that didn't justify the need to have stores sell hard liquor seven days a week, though. Plus, when the voters were informed that New Mexico saw a steep rise of alcohol-related fatalities after their legislation was repealed, even more Texas voters opposed overturning legislation.

Now for the Black Man Next Door's spin on this issue. First and foremost, I'm liberal. I believe in individual rights and freedoms, and the word "Sunday" would not make me feel any different than the word "Friday" in this legislation. So what if New Mexico's alcohol-related fatalities jumped on Sunday? That's not really surprising, nor is it any piece of fact that should be a deal breaker when casting a vote on this issue.

In answering why, I ask myself - how do they know that this increase wasn't attributed to more New Mexicans drinking on Saturday night, and then crashing their car in the wee hours on Sunday morning? How do we know these people didn't drive drunk from liquor they purchased the Wednesday prior? How do we know that higher Sunday fatalities weren't attributable to more people drinking too much in a bar, rather than people consuming a bottle of Tanqueray that was bought in a store?

Just because alcohol-related fatalities increased when New Mexico opened the flood gates to Sunday hard liquor store sales, that doesn't necessarily mean it's the sole reason why accidents increased on Sundays. If they had surveyed me, and then fed me statistics from some other state, I'd call it like it is. If it smells like bullshit, and it looks like bullshit... then what is it? Just another way to exert control over people's freewill.

Toxins of Truth

2009-03-20T12:37:00.003-05:00

Well, just one 16-hour shift stands between me and a very long, well-needed vacation. It's been a busy time for the Black Man Next Door, and the next few months foreshadow even busier times.

As I get ready for work, I take pause and note today's date. Not only does today represent what some term vernal equinox, but I learned a very important lesson about the power of integrity just one year ago. I learned just how much of a slippery slope "telling the truth" can be.

You see, once upon a time, there was this red-headed guy who captured my heart and opened my eyes to the simpler logic of life. In a way, he represented the classic vernal equinox event -- a time where the sun straddles the middle of the world -- a time where the light and the dark are equals. He had his light side, and he had his dark side. Which side faced me when I met him? That's the question.

He seemed to have it all right. He treated others as he'd want to be treated. He valued and understood the importance of family. He was the easy-going, down-home type of guy that any gay man could appreciate. These are qualities that we can rarely capture in the cyberworld, and they are easily masked online by lusts, vices, and desires. Anyway, we started dating each other off-grid for about two months before something began to rear its ugly head.... the truth.

Needless to say, he was HIV positive; and on March 20, 2008, I became painfully aware that he knew the truth long before we even started dating. Although we worked things out in the interim, things gradually degraded and we broke it off. In hindsight, I wondered about the power of telling the truth. Everyone advertises that they want "completely honest" men to date, but is there such thing? Are we setting ourselves up by feeling entitled to truth? After all, I wouldn't be surprised if we all lied a dozen times a day, on average.

I wish truth was black and white. Life would be so much easier, but we all know it's not. So, in decoding the truth's many shades of gray, when should you let someone know your status? Is it something that should come out in initial conversations? Of course, that would provide a hypocrite the way to brush someone off easy and early. Hmmm.. perhaps, it is something that should be talked about after you agree to start dating, but before sex? Well, a lot of people would probably think they've already been lied to at that point. Or, what the hell... should anything be said unless the other person brings it up? It'll all be safe sex, right? After all, the real truth is that it's more about 'not catching something' than anything else, right?

Needless to say, I can only imagine how hard it must be to wrestle with the truth when you meet someone you really like. Sometimes the truth can save, and sometimes it can destroy. I honestly believe that truth is like a weapon... carrying it means nothing -- how you use it means everything... and a man's true integrity shines if he knows the right time to be truthful, and the right time to lie.

So, in closing... I'm a proud, registered member of the Hypocrite Party. Why? Because I don't know if I'd do or say things any differently... especially if I was the one with a toxic truth to dump on a really great guy that I'm developing feelings for.

The Pains We Wear

2009-03-17T10:24:00.002-05:00

As R&B Singer, Rihanna's story unfolds, there's something that really got me to thinking. As I sat in my car on this sunny St. Patrick's Day listening to her song, my heart went out to her all over again.

Yes, she's recording a duet with that woman-beatin' man of hers. Yes, I hope he's prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Yes, I hope they both find some sort of peaceful retribution for the pains they wear. But, damn -- I have to wonder, should we have seen this coming?

We oftentimes embrace the principle that personal matters should never be brought into a workplace.... and in theory, that would be wonderful. But, we all know that the human mind rarely works that way. I believe that when your personal life is in turmoil, unless you have split personalities, that turmoil will manifest itself in every little thing you do.

Now, let's take Rihanna into consideration. She's a singer, and just a couple of thoughts ago, I asked should we have seen this coming. Where I'm going with that is... think of her song titles, Disturbia, S.O.S., Unfaithful, Hate That I Love You, Rehab, Breaking Dishes.... and the list goes on and on...

I guess rich and famous celebrities can't even escape the ills of humanity. They cry out just like everyone else, and I wonder did anyone listen to her prior to her assault being plastered all over the news....

Battle of the Brands

2009-03-14T11:24:00.004-05:00

Well, the birthday festivities are over, and it's time to settle back into the routine. One of the most daunting tasks I must do is go grocery shopping. While at the store, I thought a lot about my habits -- and on the surface, what I'm about to talk about next ties in with my "Labels du Jour" post earlier this month.

I caught myself walking down the aisles... snagging my usual products such as Mrs. Baird's bread, Progresso soups, and a variety of name brand items. But then came the mouthwash.

Listerine - $5.47

Something compelled me to pick up a mouthrinse bottle of equal size with the label pictured in this post.

Equate - $3.27

Okay, have I been stuck on labels this bad that I haven't even considered alternatives? I figured there's got to be something wrong with Equate Citrus Antiseptic Mouthrinse, so I turned the bottle around to read the ingredients. They were identical to those in Listerine! I tell ya... for those that really hate labels, this would be a compelling reason why. Looks like whether it's in a grocery aisle, in the streets, or under the sheets -- labels can be so misleading.

Yet, as much as we say we hate labels -- they obviously have some stronghold on our mind and our wallets. The sooner we break free, the more money we keep to ourselves!

Coffee Bandit, How I Hate Thee

2009-03-12T08:52:00.007-05:00

Okay, fellow Bloggers and Bloggettes, a crime has been committed at the residence of the Black Man Next Door. Today is a very special day... a day that REQUIRES a morning ritual of coffee, clean shave, and hot bath.

One of those requirements has been put on hold today. Why? Because a certain coffee bandit (aka roommate) has committed a clear violation of Gay Relations Bible Code IV, Section 41, Title X, Subsection B, Verse 1:14. In case you haven't read these codes, I'll summarize this verse in the following:

Don't leave just a little bit of something to avoid being guilty of using all of it.

As you can see from the picture, I was left with a paltry tablespoon of coffee grounds to put into my massive coffee machine to feed my voracious coffee addiction. This is one of my biggest pet peeves... someone leaves just a little bit of something left so THEY can be satisfied and YOU will end up buying more of it.

This crime is either out of guilt, or out of sheer sneaky cleverness.... I'm not certain of my particular Coffee Bandit's motives. But, I'm confiscating his Nintendo Wii until the supply is replenished. What some call being a bitch, I call fair play. Sometimes, to break a man's habits, you gotta break him.

Mount Karma

2009-03-11T17:59:00.004-05:00

Two nights ago, I had a long talk with one of the best fag hags a homo could ever know. We lean on each other in good times, and just a little bit harder in bad times. However a conversation should start between us, it always seems to make us feel a little better when we hang up.

This particular conversation had an interesting twist. First, she asked me if I believed in karma. Then, a sudden gush of fresh, straight-up truth flowed from her lips. She is frustrated and angry that the man that wronged her seems to never get what's coming to him. Everything always goes his way, and he never ever seems to have anything go wrong. She stopped just short of wishing wrong upon him.

Now, I've had my share of men that did not-so-good things... and the pain was so unbearable at times. I was often frustrated in the same way, in that the person inflicting the damage always seemed to land on his feet. So, in this respect, I can totally relate to her. But, as for the question of whether the Black Man Next Door believes in karma, the answer is still yes -- but after pondering about 'karma', I now have a different outlook on how it actually works.

I don't think that just by doing one bad thing that one equally bad thing will automatically happen in return. Let's face it. You can do all the good in the world and still have something bad happen to you. In contrast, you can slit the throats of every child, rape every man and woman, and drive a truck bomb into a building -- and STILL win the lottery.

So, my view on karma is this. I think of it much like a volcano. Different volcanoes take varying amounts of pressure and time to erupt, much like karma. Some volcanoes ooze, others blow their tops in violent eruptions.... randomly and unpredictably. Good or bad karma can erupt into one gargantuan explosion of positive or negative events. Or, it may ooze out a multitude of smaller positive/negative events over a longer period of time. So, theoretically, a person's Mt. Karma could still be oozing good karma from things they did years ago, which explains why they got a promotion the very next morning after they hurled a Molotov Cocktail through your front window.

But what my treasured fag hag ultimately came to accept is that eventually, like volcanoes -- it's not a matter of if... it's a matter of when. Eventually, her tormentor's Mt. Karma will erupt - and for her sake, I hope she's not near it when that happens.

Tragic Rewind

2009-03-11T11:36:00.000-05:00

Don't think every little thing you do and say matters? Consider these scenarios:

1) You're driving along the slick streets in the cold, hard rain. Traffic is bumper-to-bumper in spots, and idiotic semi-trucks are trying to drive like they are in Corvettes. You've got the satellite radio blasting as you go over a few mental notes for your early morning meeting at work. Suddenly, you notice a small Ford Focus turn on its blinkers and try to merge onto the freeway from the entrance ramp. It struggles to get on as car after car pass on by. As you get closer, you can see a male and a female in the front and wonder to yourself... "after all the damned assholes that cut me off in life, this bitch can wait"... you daintily drive past the Ford Focus --- and moments later, you exit onto a street and head toward an intersection. You barely get a chance to come to a complete stop at the red light when a speeding car careens out of control and plows into the driver's side of your car.

You are dead. Game Over. Insert Coin(s). The saddest part is this... had you let that Ford Focus onto the freeway, that would have bought you the precious seconds you needed to avoid this catastrophe. As your spirit ponders over how hindsight is such a bitch, emergency workers try to pull your twisted, mangled body out of the wreckage. Meanwhile, I'm going to press REWIND on this tragic story and go back 2 minutes.

2) As you get closer to the Ford Focus, you can see a male and a female in the front seats and wonder to yourself..."Fuck it.. I'm still early." You brake and allow the Ford Focus to pull ahead of you. Interestingly enough, the female turns her head and appears to be writing down your license plate number. You wonder what the hell is she doing? That is... until a week later, after the male did some detective work, you receive a thank you note from the male and a handmade card from their children... thanking you for helping save their mother. Because of your seemingly small, insignificant deed -- you gave this man the precious seconds needed to get his wife to the hospital. Unbeknownst to the couple at the time, it turns out that if her internal bleeding lasted any longer, she'd be the one pushing daisies.

The point? We should never underestimate our power to change the world... with each and every thing we do and say.

The Burning Bridge

2009-03-09T16:40:00.003-05:00

Every so often, I sit and ponder over a hot cup of coffee -- just like I'm doing right now. I think about the people in my present life... past life... and future life. As the world moves, shakes, and spins, the most powerful choices involved either meeting someone halfway on the bridge, or burning it.

In an individual sense, I'd like to believe that making that type of choice is cut and dry. If an ex-lover makes contact to apologize, do I respond? If an employer that treats me like shit suddenly wants me back, do I burn the bridge? If I do something to hurt someone else and they disappear from the radar, do I even bother trying to make things right? There are so many dynamics to consider in burning a bridge or meeting someone halfway -- and I'd like to think that we as individuals understand the repercussions of either choice. But do we?

In a community sense, specifically the gay community, it seems like we want to have our cake and eat it too, sometimes. A fellow blogger 'across the pond' posted something yesterday that really got me thinking. He was upset that there are those out there that think gays are being gradually diluted... assimilated into a "heterosexual" culture and losing our sense of identity. I share my fellow blogger's agitation, but I think our community is doing something equivalent to trying to meet the "other party" halfway on a bridge and then set it on fire.

We want our rights... which I wholeheartedly support, of course.. and some countries are further along in that quest than others. But, in getting them, we encounter all sorts of problems such as getting a divorce from a gay marriage -- depending on where you are in the world. Should we lash out at other communities and be pissed off because it's not easy? Well, it's not easy for straight people, either -- and they HAVE globally recognized marriages.

We want acceptance from the 'outside', which is nothing short of reasonable... I'd be pragmatically happy with just tolerance- acceptance is a welcomed bonus to me! Nonetheless, when we receive that in the form of having more heterosexual friends... fag hags... straight couples hanging out in gay bars and neighborhoods.. new businesses springing up in the gayborhood that cater to a broader audience than just the homosexual community -- some take that as some sort of alien invasion. Those are the people that are paranoid about the erosion of gay communities and utter decay of our communal identity.

As I take the last sip of my now-cold coffee, I pose this question. Why did homosexuals coagulate into communities in the first place? What prompted the existence of meccas such as The Castro... Boyztown... Cedar Springs... Chelsea? Was it fear of persecution, violence, and intolerance that gave us the need for these 'safe havens'? I tend to believe that is certainly true.... but with the desire for withering intolerance comes integration. Throughout history, that truth bleeds from lines of sexual orientation all the way to race, religion, and nationality. The GLBT community is not immune.

So, for the paranoid soul, relax. This is what happens when you meet people halfway on the bridge. They don't necessarily look the same on the bridge as they did standing way on the other side. You hardly ever get exactly what you ask for, so we should tread carefully. This is the price we pay for tolerance and acceptance. So, rather than contemplate burning the bridge and keeping straights out of our neighborhoods -- compromise. We can still tolerate and accept them into our bars and restaurants without losing the color in our wings, the gayness in our souls, or the brightness of our communities.

House of Lords

2009-03-08T22:59:00.005-05:00

Behold! The new home of my favorite sports team, the Dallas Cowboys. It will be the site of the 2011 NFL Super Bowl and many other marquee events. After pitting cities against each other during the search for a new site, Jerry Jones (Cowboys owner) finally got a fly in his web -- the city of Arlington.

What's the price of this web that Jerry built? Over 1 billion dollars. That's $1,000,000,000... over 670,000,000 British Pounds... 781,250,000 Euros. A portion of this cost is shouldered by the City of Arlington, which they've raised hotel, car, and city taxes to cover.

This is right in the Heart of Texas, a so-called Red, Republican state that criticizes others for "tax and spend" tactics.... yet, this Republican stronghold has just embraced the concept of taxing people and their goods to fund what is essentially a private business. Do they reap rewards from such a deal? Of course they do, but how many other "Mom & Pop" businesses are they willing to donate tax money to build shops and stores for?

This is kinda like Billionaire owner Jerry Jones accepting stimulus money, really... so how could anyone in the glorious Red State of Texas criticize those like President Obama and the rest of us liberals who actually want more than just rich people to benefit from stimulus money? Just to give you something to salivate over:

$1,000,000,000 would give every follower of The Black Man Next Door's blog $52,631,578.95
If every one of those followers just put the money in an interest-bearing account, they'd amass over a whopping $1.25 million a year in interest. If each one of those followers formed their own company and paid salaries out of that interest money, they could supply enough yearly income for over 22 average U.S. families.

That's 418 families/1,672 people that are out spending money and driving the economy off of just interest payments. Instead, we can only HOPE that one Billionaire has that kind of aspirations... since jobs were just shuffled from one stadium to the other, he must be hoarding an ungodly amount of money -- and apparently paying a relatively few athletes MILLIONS of dollars to throw and catch a frickin' pigskin.... *sigh*

Rob from the poor, and give to the rich. God, I love this country!

Stone-Throwing Haters?

2009-03-08T18:30:00.001-05:00

A few days ago, three men decided to be like heathens of old and cast stones into a "gay bar" in Galveston, TX. A gay man was struck in the head and anointed with 12 staples in his skull. Now, the three men are accused of a hate crime. The story can be accessed HERE.

However, I wonder if the hate crime status will stick... not because this is Texas (shrug); but I read that this place is known as a gay bar, BUT the clientele is actually mixed. After reading the story, I wasn't clear if the three men specifically targeted the victim, spat any hateful rhetoric while committing the crime, or did anything that may suggest that they didn't randomly throw the 4-pound stone at anyone in particular. Since it isn't a totally gay bar, they might have a viable defense... unless the District Attorney received more information to the contrary that was just not mentioned in the article.

These 3 idiots could easily say that they thought the victim was some guy that owed them money and they came to collect. Of course, we all know better. These jackasses wouldn't have walked into a Wal-Mart, Hooters, or Chippendales and threw a 4-pound stone at someone. They seemingly picked this place because of its reputation as a gay bar.

Unfortunately, that assertion is not enough and would be just a hunch in the eyes of a judge. So, I wouldn't be surprised if these goons got off with a lighter punishment than they deserve. Now, for an interesting twist.... if a gay man walks into a church that's known for its fiery rhetoric... throws a stone and splits the Pastor's head open... is that a hate crime?

Yes, I had to go there... because the sword should cut both ways, shouldn't it?

The Double-Edged Sword

2009-03-07T05:35:00.003-06:00

*Sigh*... I tell ya... rudeness is infecting society. We all know how this ancient phenomenon is on the rise, but the real question is why?

A fellow blogger's comment on a previous post inspired me to ponder things like why people claim they are online for "Friends" and "Conversation", say 'hello', then drop off the face of the Earth. No follow-up like "How is your day going?"... nothing.

People drive around like bats out of hell, rushing to cut you off so they can imminently slam on the brakes and go below the posted speed limits. Idiots would rather cut across five lanes of traffic, risking a fatal accident to make their exit because they waited to the last minute. Never mind the fact there is another exit just 1/4 mile away.

People shooting their entire family with a pistol and then themselves, rather than just putting the pistol to their own head and leaving the rest of them alone.

The culprit? Technology. Technology has allowed us to produce more, produce it faster, and spoil ourselves into a mode of entitlement. It's also made things that were once difficult to do -- like break up with someone -- much more easier and impersonal. It is brainwashing us in unimaginable ways. Don't believe me? Just look around and count how many people are obsessed with their cell phones. They just HAVE to answer it at all times - in grocery stores, movies, airplanes, hell... even while taking a damned piss. Cock in one hand. Phone in the other.

Technology is such a double-edged sword. The good thing is that it can make life so much easier for us if applied correctly. The bad thing is that it makes being human so much harder. Okay, so let's magically deal with problems without ever having to WORK at them. Let's take out Technology's "Keyboard of Life" and look at a few sitch-e-ations.

Don't have friends? Just log onto a social networking site and amass a throng of no-maintenance, no cost, no frills pseudo-friends. If one slights you, simply hit the DELETE key, and your problem is over. No work, no hassle, no fuss, or... what's that popular line... ahh, yes -- NO drama.

Got a nice guy that's interested in you, but he's just a bit too ugly or short-handed behind the zipper? No problem. Technology's "Keyboard of Life" to the rescue again! Just hit the ESCAPE key; he's toast, and you've made an easy, clean getaway.

Ever notice how some people's age never increases? You saw that same guy online 5 years ago at age 29. Yeah, you know which one I'm talking about... that sexy one - blue shirt with the snaps. Today, he's magically still tenderly 29. Relax, it's no fountain of youth. Whip out technology's "Keyboard of Life" and all of your hangups over age are over. Pick a day out of the year, hit the BACKSPACE key, and do it on that same day every year -- and you can still stay "in the game".

Got a hot guy that you'd just love to "get to know better"? Want to get him to notice you? Well, never fear... the days of having to meet in public first are OVER. Just post outdated photos of yourself on a matchmaking site, and you'll deceive him into your bed, lickety-split. By the time he goes through the trouble of getting toys, lube, condoms, slings, etc... he may be disappointed when he sees your true face, but he's so frickin' horny, he'll just say to hell with it. Press the ENTER key, and well... he will ENTER.

Did you blurt out something via email that you wish to take back? Noooooo problem. Just hit the END key to recall the message, and no harm, no foul. You never have to worry about learning how to smooth things over face-to-face when you communicate something in the wrong way.

Or maybe you just want to ditch a difficult situation and avoid the consequences -- this is something you don't even need the Keyboard of Life for... simply do it via text, and you never have to look that sucker in the eye and witness the carnage of your actions. That's the way to let your fingers do the walkin'!

Humanity is slowly eroding into slavery.... slaves to mindless technology. The next time your day goes from sugar to $hit, just think-- somewhere in the chain of fault lies a piece of technology. Ooops, gotta roll for now -- cell phone is ringing. Somebody's boning me up. Later, bloggers and bloggettes!

Edge of Disaster

2009-03-05T06:40:00.004-06:00

Last night, I was thoroughly surprised with tickets to see the Dallas Mavericks basketball team whip the San Antonio Spurs in Dallas. My friend, "The Godfather", took me as a birthday gift, knowing that I'd never been to a game before.

Fast-forward 10 hours to now. Toothache. Just to make matters worse, I think about how just a few weeks ago, it took $1,411 to fix another tooth -- so, I'm sweating over how much it will cost to fix this one.

It's things like this that make me wonder why anyone wouldn't want this country to have universal, affordable health care for everyone. When I listen to people bitch, moan, and toss words around like "socialism"... words that they don't even know the meaning... it just tears at me. Those against things like universal health care should realize just how close to the edge of disaster most of us actually are.

Let's see... there's the 8-year-old leukemia patient in Ohio, who after a few rounds of chemotherapy is in dire straits because she's already reached the $1,500,000 lifetime benefit allowable under her father's health plan. Yes, that's right.. $1,500,000.oo. Try looking this little girl in the eye and saying, "I'm sorry. I'd rather you die than someone call me a supporter of a socialist President." Or how about the grocery-store worker who has to put off her radiation treatments for Stage 2 breast cancer that plunged her into $18,000 of debt after exhausting her company's $20,000 annual maximum plan?

The problem is, people who have the power to enact legislation are detached from the real problem that especially middle-class citizens face every day. Many have good jobs, a home, dog, white picket fence, and are doing financially well.... until sickness hits. We are gays, straights, Whites, Hispanics, Blacks, Asians, women, men... people from all walks of life --- walking on the edge of disaster.

It's so tragic that it takes tragedy for people to open up their eyes and their hearts. The mighty United States of America should have tackled this issue a long time ago. But who's the real monster behind this situation?

The Thousand-Dollar Judgment

2009-03-03T18:49:00.004-06:00

Ahhhh, I've finally risen from the depths of a long day's sleep and came across a rather interesting article. After reading about gay twins that sued their gay bosses/owners of a Los Angeles restaurant, all I gotta say is: Flirters within our own community, take notice.

It sucks that these twins were only awarded $1,000 each. A nice, juicy $10,000 would have really hammered the point home. Like many others, I continue to question if the justice system takes sexual harassment against gays, and men for that matter, into serious consideration... just another reason why a lot of men don't even bother coming out to report violations or crimes against them. Their attorney, Sarah E. Hernandez hits the nail on the head:

"It's harder to prove sexual harassment with men because, unlike women, they don't break down and cry on the stand."

Yet, in knowing the odds of attracting serious attention from the court because of their gender and sexual orientation, these two young men fought a good fight on principle. I always get a good feeling when I read about people standing up for themselves -- especially gay men. The article can be accessed by clicking HERE.

It's a Matter of R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2009-03-02T10:00:00.013-06:00

As a firmly entrenched member of Gen-X, I noticed something quite annoying at work as of late. Some of our newly minted 20-something year old employees come into the office all gung-ho and ready to dive into any and every problem they encounter. I love that tenacity and desire to learn. But, there's one itty bitty trend that just gets on my nerves!

You call someone's name, and the answer you receive is a snippy, sharp reply of "What?"

Now, many of you probably think I'm just plain bitchy and nit-picky. I accept that opinion with grace. But to me, I was raised to accept that kind of response as disrespectful. Man, I can't tell you how infuriated my Mom would get if you ever answer to her like that. She was totally cool about my friends calling her by her first name... she's very informal and down-to-earth in a lot of ways. But... THAT response touched a nerve with her. She would slap the piss out of me or my brothers if we ever took that tone with her.

Growing up with a long-time Black friend, I noticed that his Mom was the same way... and they passed that etiquette down to us. Never, EVER answer with, "What?!" However, I don't think this was what some people term, a "Black Thing". I think this was generational etiquette.... yet another rule of R-E-S-P-E-C-T that seems to be dying out in newer generations.

Oh, yes... and just one... more... thing. While I'm on the subject of R-E-S-P-E-C-T, I've had to point out something else to one of my acquaintances. For older people, I would never have cut as much slack as I did for this young, gay man. I don't tolerate being called "Boy". Now, I realize that there are many out there that don't understand the true use and connotation of this term towards a Black male, so I rarely snap anyone into place. Sometimes, it's a light-hearted attempt to be informal, and there are no bad intentions. So, I simply let them know that I DO have a first name and I don't appreciate being called, "Boy". Now THAT is a "Black Thing"... and it's all a matter of R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Let that be a word to the wise. Some Black men are diplomatic about being called "Boy", others are much more blunt. Some fuses are shorter than others... so take it from me... don't light the match. As such, it's a cultural tightrope that's best avoided. Besides, I'd hate to ruin my new jacket trying to jump in and save my young, gay acquaintance should he happen to say "Boy" to the wrong guy.

Is He Boyfriend Material?

2009-03-02T09:13:00.002-06:00

“The First Date: Assessing His Boyfriend Potential”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
You sit on the lumpy lounge chair at the local coffee shop, sipping your cappuccino while trying to look occupied reading today’s local newspaper, your eyes periodically shifting to the front door of the shop, hoping to catch a quick glance of the man you’ll be meeting for the first time. You’ve had a million first dates, it seems, but the nervous anticipation and excitement always seems to show itself through your sweaty palms and rapid heartbeat. What will this meeting be like? Could he be “The One?”

Even though your blood’s pumping at the prospect of meeting someone new, you feel confident and relaxed within yourself as you approach this situation. You’ve worked hard to be a good, upstanding man and you recognize that you’re a “good catch.” You’re comfortable with who you are and you have a solid vision for what you’re looking for in a potential mate, having taken the time to craft a dating plan that emphasizes your personal needs, wants, values, and requirements in a relationship and partner. Your first date here is an opportunity to meet and get to know a new person with no expectations of outcome. You are going to be yourself, knowing that this isn’t about performance, and you’ll have a chance to briefly gauge whether this man possesses some of the traits and qualities that you seek in a Mr. Right. Your thoughts are interrupted by the presence of the handsome creature that now stands before you. You both shake hands as you greet, smiles beaming, and he proceeds to sit down to begin the get-to-know-you dialogues.

Who is this man sitting across from you? Is he boyfriend potential? While compatibility largely rests on the goodness-of-fit between the two of you with your relationship visions and attraction/chemistry, this article will pose some provoking questions for you to track the answers for when you begin your dating quests with new people and learn about whether they’re your “type” or not. These questions can act as guideposts through your dating journey. And remember, the answers you obtain do not reflect upon this person as being “good” or “bad.” The answers are simply used as a way to help you quickly determine if this individual matches with your personal requirements so that you can make informed choices that will promote your achieving a successful and lasting relationship with your Mr. Right.

The First Date Evaluation
Generally speaking, first dates are usually better structured when they’re short, focused, and allow for lots of dialogue. Learn as much as you can about this person so you can begin the process of “sizing up” his compatibility with your vision and needs. According to David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute, there are four critical skills that singles must possess during their life partner quest. Two of those skills are relevant to our discussion here. “Sorting is the process of quickly determining if someone you meet has future potential. A successful single is able to initiate contact with people and in conversation get enough information within 5 minutes to know whether they want to get to know them better or move on. Think of “working the room” at a party. Screening is the process of getting enough information to determine if a prospective partner meets your requirements or not. Since requirements are relationship breakers, all of them must be met. Getting this information can occur over the telephone, by e-mail, over coffee, or taking a walk. If you are looking for your life partner, you can’t afford to explore dead ends; and it is important to get this information BEFORE you date them and get involved.” (Steele, 2002)

While it’s impossible to get the full scope of a person on a first date, you should be on the lookout for any possible “red flags” that would halt the possibility of a second date. Or perhaps he will have inspired some intrigue in you to invest further in getting more acquainted with him. So when conversing with the man sitting across from you, think about some of the following points to help you ponder how you’d like to proceed with this particular gentleman:

1. What is your immediate reaction upon seeing your date? How do you feel? Do you find him physically attractive and inviting? Does he appear to take care of himself and have good grooming and hygiene?

2. Does he maintain eye contact with you as he speaks or is he looking around the room at the other guys (very disrespectful!)?

3. Does he appear attentive and genuinely interested in what you have to say? Notice his body posture and whether it’s open or closed.

4. Does he display a good sense of humor and is he able to laugh, relax, and have fun with your interaction? Does he exhibit good verbal and social skills or seem stiff and have difficulty maintaining and initiating conversations?

5. Is there a good balance between his talking about himself vs. his asking you questions about yourself? Or does he monopolize the time talking only about his life? Or does he not engage in any self-disclosure at all?

6. How are his manners? Is he polite, thoughtful, and considerate? Based on your first impression of his manners, would Mom approve of his behavior? Do you feel comfortable being with him or do you experience embarrassment by his behavior?

7. What does he talk about? Notice any themes? Does he seem positive and upbeat or negative and pessimistic? When he talks, does he seem judgmental, petty, and put down other people or himself?

8. Does he seem to have goals, aspirations, and ambitions? Does he exude excitement about life and possibilities? Is he passionate? How well-rounded does he seem? Does he have varied interests and hobbies, have an active lifestyle and seem reasonably intelligent and able to converse about a variety of topics and current events?

9. Does he place a lot of emphasis on sex during your time together? If so, this may be a priority for him and it’ll be important to ensure what type of relationship he’s seeking (casual sex or dating) so you can decide if this fits with your needs.

10. At the end of the date, how would you rate the experience and your interest on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest? Is there chemistry? Do you feel drawn to him on multiple levels?

Food For Thought
There are, of course, many other questions and criteria you may have, but these points may be a good starting point to launch from on a first date. There tend to be three types of personality styles that men can bring to a first date situation. One are those men who are on their best behavior to try to impress you, gain your approval, or please you to compensate for perceived weaknesses they have so they can “snag” another date from you. Another type are those men who struggle with shyness, anxiety, and insecurity, so the behavior they display during the date may not actually be reflective of who they really are until they feel more comfortable. And then there are those who present their “real self”, an accurate portrayal of who they really are. It may be helpful to keep this in mind when deciding about whether to transition into an exit or for an invitation for another date.

Conclusion
Knowing who you are and being clear on what you want is critical during your time in the dating pool. This knowledge will take you far in weeding out those men who may not be particularly good matches for you and will save you a lot of time, energy, and frustration. You may need several dates with someone to assess their potential and you may find during the process that some of these men may be more suitable as friends—another addition to your support network!

Thinking too much about these questions can be distracting, so try to avoid being “too much in your head” during the date. Analyzing and being too cognitive will take away from your date, causing you to miss certain cues during the interaction that would be important and lead you to not focus on being a good listener. Be fully present with your date and enjoy the experience, no matter how it turns out because you will have still learned something. Additionally, try to turn the above questions back on yourself and assess how these factors apply to your style. These questions may provide clues about the areas of your life and personality that are strengths and weaknesses and can be a tool to help you develop goals for self-improvement to make yourself even more “dateable!” In a future newsletter, we’ll examine additional questions and assessment guidelines to ponder as you begin to delve into a dating relationship with a man to determine life partner status potential, but in the meantime make sure you’ve crafted your relationship vision and plan and cheers to your dating success!

*References:	Steele, David (2002). Relationship Coaching Institute.
	www.relationshipcoachinginstitute.com and www.consciousdating.org.

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Mr. March

2009-03-01T00:01:00.012-06:00

Springtime is nigh, and soon, we'll be winding that clock forward one hour in most of the United States. With cocktail in reach, I searched high and low for the next "Man of the Month". Since it takes more than body to comprise a real man, the mind and soul were also a major factor into my next pick. He is The Black Man Next Door's official "Mr. March", American Actor - Patrick Dempsey.

Now, at a deliciously aged 43 years, Patrick is a 5' 9.5" Capricorn born to two Irish-American parents. Most of us know him from his role on Grey's Anatomy, but there is a lot more about Mr. March that makes him the man he is.

SOUL

There's nothing sexier than a man with a passion for something respectable in life. One of Patrick's passions is contributing to cancer awareness and causes. In fact, the Dempsey Center in his home state of Maine is an integral part of cancer care, support, and education for those touched by cancer.

In his personal life, he currently lives in Los Angeles with his wife, daughter, and twin sons. But the limelight of celebrityhood may be too much for Mr. March, as he's looking to retire from acting and retreat to much calmer seas.

MIND

Patrick is afflicted with dyslexia, but he's adapted to that adversity quite well. A man that confronts less-than-ideal situations is very sexy in his own right. It says a lot about Mr. March's character when rather than tucking tail and running, he adapts and manages to play his cards just right. He didn't let that stop him from success in acting, and it certainly didn't stop him from amassing a gargantuan gay following. Check out his rather interesting interview with The Advocate by clicking HERE.

Mr. March... Patrick Dempsey

Labels du Jour

2009-02-28T08:10:00.009-06:00

Here I am, up and at em' way too early, and without coffee. I figured, what the hell! I can be a versatile writer by blogging and chatting online at the same time! In doing so, it's time for me to admit yet one more flaw... one more Achilles' Heel of the Black Man Next Door. You see, I tend to take things so literally sometimes, that I often miss the true meaning or intent of what is being said. Also, I am HORRIBLE at deciphering acronyms... so chatting can be a dangerous thing for me in more ways than one, and I can easily slip into trouble.

This morning, however, I ran across a "label" that is probably so obvious to everyone else... and maybe the lack of coffee is turning me into a feral, confused man. But what the hell is a "versatile top" or a "versatile bottom"? Don't drop your jaw too far, in my defense, I DO know what a top and a bottom is... (laugh) ... but this is something I call a combination label. Combination labels automatically trigger me to snatch a dictionary and do some research before I broadcast my dumbfoundedness to the world.

Hmmmm... okay, okay... (fingering dictionary pages) the first definition of versatile defines it as one who's capable of or adapted for turning easily from one to another of various tasks, fields of endeavor, etc. In the realm of sex, I can certainly understand "versatile" as a simple label -- one who can flip a coin and be just as content with heads up or tails up. I'm cool with that... however, therein lies my confusion.

What is the point of identifying oneself as a "versatile top"? I guess to me, I fail to see why the simple label of "versatile" doesn't meet the criteria of someone who can and does go both ways. Is this some sort of 2oth century "homo-code" that I'm just now running into? Shit, I hate labels sometimes!! While you enlighten me, I'm going out coffee-hunting before I destroy something.

Have a great weekend and last day of February, everyone! Speaking of last day, tomorrow brings forth the debut of Mr. March. This man, who will pop up at 12:01AM Central Time, has gone through a very rigorous vetting process, and I hope you like!

Gays = Murderers

2009-02-27T19:11:00.007-06:00

Okay, the Black Man Next Door LOVES Colorado, but once I ran across the ranting of a certain Coloradoan politician, all I can say is: DAMN! The story is HERE. Of particular interest is the following comment made by State Senator Scott Renfroe:

We are taking sins and making them to be legally OK. That is wrong. I’m not saying this is the only sin out there. We have murder. … We don’t make laws making murder legal.

I must congratulate this idiot for using flawed logic to not only correlate every gay and lesbian to murderers, but to also make this argument over a domestic partner bill. The bill grants UNMARRIED couples very important rights such as those pertaining to medical decisions. So, just so this numb-nut can understand, he's ranting and raving about how homosexuality is a sin as justification for voting against a bill that also includes an untold number of heterosexual couples who are not married.

Besides... laws making murder legal has nothing to do with bills that grant gay/lesbian couples basic rights. Laws dictate that murder is a crime, not a sin, Senator. Laws aren't intended to focus on "Thou Shalt Not Murder", but rather to enforce a religiously neutral moral fabric. Ahhh.... then the comment he made to a local newspaper:

Homosexuality is seen as a violation of this natural creative order and is an offense to God the creator who created men and women, male and female for procreation.

Since this man is so great at playing God, I wonder in what creative order do impotent heterosexual men and women fall into? What about children that are born as intersexuals? Ugh... please, Colorado -- take out the trash!

Crux of Energy

2009-02-27T16:13:00.003-06:00

Ahhhh, the time has come to reconcile my personal budget... again. Most of the February bills have come and gone, with the exception of one very important bill -- the energy bill. Being from Texas, I usually don't have to be sitting down with cocktail in hand before I open the electric bill at this time of year. Those hot days of summer are looming ahead!

In a cost-cutting measure at the end of last year, I switched electric providers to a more "environmentally-friendly" Green Mountain Energy. I was paying a whopping 20.3 cents per kilowatt hour with my previous provider. I signed a 3-month deal for a more reasonable 13.4 cents with Green Mountain. Why I was going so long paying a very high rate is quite simple. Like a lot of busy Americans, I got hooked on automatic-payments for damned near everything -- and that served as my lull into a false sense of security. I simply stopped checking my statements every month like a good little Samaritan.

Now that my 3-month contract is up, I received an offer to lock in rates for the next 12 months. I checked their rate tables, and something caught my eye that just pisses me off about energy company practices. As I scanned the table, I noticed that the more energy you gobble up, the cheaper the rate.

The crux of this scenario should be apparent to those who are conscientious about our skyrocketing energy usage and the subsequent environmental impacts. To the Mr. Electric Company, that's a very sound business practice -- encourage people to use more, keep demand up, and keep money flowing into their pockets.

For states who experience brownouts or rolling blackouts on an annual basis due to wasteful energy usage and system overloads, they might want to review this type of business practice... especially in states like California. Perhaps legislature could make a progressive sales tax percentage specific to this industry... say 4% on bills with usage under 700 kilowatt-hours a month... and 11% for those over 700 kilowatt-hours, as a rough example.

Luckily, Texas is the only state in the continental United States that is on its own power grid. I have yet to personally experience this type of situation that Californians are subjected to; but it sucks being "penalized" for not using enough energy.

Beneath the Surface

2009-02-26T11:48:00.004-06:00

It's quiet... not much going on at work -- which in a way, ain't good. It's times like this where the daydreaming begins, and now, my thoughts may be considered "weird" by some. Of course, that's okay.... the Black Man Next Door's front door is always open for criticism, ridicule, and spectacle.

Over the past few years, I've gradually jumped back onto the dating raft and floated out over the ocean. It's surface is beautiful, much like the outside appearance of most men can be... but once I suit up and dive into the depths, it's amazing what lies underneath. A man's heart and soul, like the depths of an ocean, is a vast space filled with secrets... wonders... beauties..... and shipwrecks.

Now that I've explored beneath the surface of a few oceans, I've finally embraced the fact that there is something good to be taken from each and every broken relationship. I used to take things with such anger, and always wondered what I did wrong, and why things went down they way they did. The hardest part for me was coming to terms that I can't control everything, nor can I change anyone. In the meantime, I learned what works for me, and what doesn't... and if I didn't have the courage to jump onto the raft, I'd never know what lies beneath the surface in the first place.

The things that we find in the ocean's depths, and in men, can be taken many ways -- depending on who we are as individuals. Some see shipwrecks as beautiful, others see them as... well, wrecks. For me, there are a lot of things I find beautiful about men -- things that lie beneath the surface... and right now, I'm daydreaming of qualities that I feel really bring out the beauty of men.... internal qualities that I would love in a future husband. I'll list just a few:

1. A man that would most likely choose to adapt to his environment, rather than force his environment to conform to his liking. He prefers to use more of a mental/emotional effort to problem solving, rather than physical exertion. In lay-a-man's terms, diplomacy first, swords last.

2. A man that doesn't hesitate to use words such as "thank you", "I'm wrong", and "I'm sorry"... and mean them.

3. A man who respects differences in his partner, and grants a little space to embrace individuality from time to time.

4. A man that enjoys closeness and intimacy... but not to the point where he's literally suffocating you with his arm around your neck in a movie theater.

Okay, seriously... I could go on and on. But, I'll leave room for your input. What are qualities in a man that would make your heart melt? Feel free to add to my list...

Shockwaves

2009-02-26T06:46:00.004-06:00

Greetings from deep in the heart of North Texas. Yesterday was a whirlwind of activity in my personal life -- ranging anywhere from a $60 5-minute doctor's appointment to spending 1.5 hours in a courthouse. Hopefully today will be much quieter!

Well, I was saddened to hear that our family's first interracial marriage of 20 years may be coming to an end. As I listened to the news over the phone, my heart went out to my 2nd cousin and his wife. Apparently, he went off to celebrate a birthday in the family... came home to the kids, but no wife -- and her clothes were gone.

I totally understand the emptiness and angst he must be feeling now. I've had two walkouts in my dating tenure, and I feel that it's damned near the worst way to break up with someone... especially when that much time has been put into the relationship. Then again, who knows how their marriage really was.

Just yesterday, a music teacher in Miami, FL shot his wife, 2 daughters, and then himself... a guy that by all neighborly and friendly accounts had forged the "perfect family". It's so scary how reality can be so much different than what we see through our eyes. People seem to be so good at deception nowadays... but sheesh -- abandoning someone you love or killing them outright is something that I could never comprehend... and it only seems to work in the movies.

Society has become so desensitized, sensationalistic, and cynical, hasn't it? How have things gotten to be so bad? Is it technology? Is it changing dynamics of the family unit... parents working more and parenting less? Who knows... but damn, this world is so crazy right now.

Terrorists Watched This Movie?

2009-02-24T12:23:00.009-06:00

So, here I am... watching one of my favorite classics of the 1990s - Independence Day. For those of you who don't remember, this was a film headlined with actors such as Will Smith, Vivica Fox, Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, etc.

I figured since I have no running water for a shower right now, what better way to veer off the usual course of my blog topics by pointing something out very interesting in this movie. So anyway, aliens pay us a visit and end up threatening the entire world with technology that is far more advanced than ours.

The United States of America loses three of its most famous cities in the first wave of obliterations: Los Angeles, New York, and Washington, D.C. Above, the mighty Empire State Building was no match for the alien ship's primary weapon.

To the right, the U.S. White House was shattered into burning splinters shortly thereafter... and we even get to see the spreading destruction reach the U.S. Capitol Building and almost claim the life of President Whitmore as he zips away in Air Force One.

Now, as we watched what we thought to be an impossible scenario unfold -- a scene of destruction and chaos, terrorists in the real world were plotting to carry out a heinous attack on two out of three cities that we witnessed being destroyed in Independence Day... New York City, and Washington, D.C. Five years later, 9/11 would happen.. and change the world.

So, I watched just before the attacks happened, David Levenson (portrayed by Jeff Goldblum) makes the drive to Washington, D.C. and ultimately gives the President some life-saving information. As they boarded Marine One, he opens his laptop, which he synchronized with a hidden alien countdown signal. Pictured to the left, this is the time remaining until the attacks would be carried out. The time was running for a second or two on the movie, so I freeze-framed it and snapped a photo for a bit of blog fodder...

Makes you go hmmmmmmmmm.... could this be what gave the terrorists an idea of using 9/11 as a date to attack the United States?

Gay, Single, and Loving It

2009-02-24T11:06:00.000-06:00

"Gay, Single, & Loving It"
by Brian Rzepcynzski, The Gay Love Coach

Introduction
We live in a society that places high value and expectation on being in a coupled relationship and singles are often stigmatized for their single-status. Gay men, in particular, are often labeled as being unable to develop and maintain long-lasting intimate relationships, adding yet another layer to this stigma. This can lead to feelings of low self-worth and inferiority, a sense that there’s something wrong with you if you don’t have a boyfriend, an excessive focus and preoccupation with your discontent with being single, and sometimes a compulsive drive to find a relationship just to satisfy that nagging need (which can be a dangerous and sabotaging maneuver if one’s dating practices are conducted out of desperation rather than conscious intention).

For those who have not chosen singlehood as a lifestyle and do long to be in a relationship, this can be a painfully difficult experience. Special occasions, holidays, weddings, times of loneliness, and just witnessing other couples can be very triggering events for singles that serve to magnify their restlessness and unfulfillment with being solo. What these types of single gay men need most is a reassurance and recognition that this phase of life can be one of the most enjoyable and transformational times of their lives if they choose it to be. This article will validate the positive values of being single and will offer some suggestions for making the most of your single life.

The Benefits of Being Single
Singlehood is the time in your life where you have the greatest degree of flexibility and freedom to do whatever you want. You can be more spontaneous, independent, selfish, and adventurous because there can be less commitments and more time to pursue the things you want to do; you can make your life into anything that you want it to be as you’re completely in “the driver’s seat.” You have the ability to enter in and out of situations with relative ease and to meet a variety of new people. You are responsible only for yourself and can make choices and major decisions without having to take another into account or to have to answer to anyone. You don’t have to deal with another’s annoying habits or nuances and don’t have to compromise. Other aspects of your identity (career, family, friends, etc.) can have more emphasis as there’s less competition for your focus and attentions.

More importantly, though, being single puts you in the ideal position for cultivating yourself to reach your fullest potential as an individual. It’s an opportunity for self-exploration and investing in your own personal growth and development. It’s also an ideal time to learn what’s needed to be fully prepared for love when you find it, to experiment safely with your sexuality, and to explore different types of relationships. It’s fertile ground for learning about who you are and what your needs are. Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. says it best in his book “Keeping the Love You Find”:

“Singleness would be recognized as a vital stage of the journey
to maturation, a time to learn about who we are, to learn
responsibility and self-sufficiency, to identify our true
desires, and to confront our inner strengths and demons, a time
to make changes in the things that stymie our pleasure and
progress in life, to learn how to connect and communicate on all
levels. It would be sorely needed relationship training.” (1)

Action Steps for Navigating Your Single Life
The following are some practical tips and suggestions for managing your singlehood to promote a positive acceptance and enjoyment of this special time in your life.

1. Create a checklist of the opportunities that being single affords you and start living them!

2. Start a journal about your single-status and what it means to
you. Answer the following questions:

• Why am I single? How do I feel about that?
• What do I want from being single?
• What thoughts, feelings, and behaviors hold me back from being able to embrace this time of my life?
• How do I contribute to my own unfulfillment with being single? How do I sabotage myself?

Don’t deny your feelings or ignore your desire for a relationship. Process these feelings in your journal and write about ways you can create more meaning and purpose in your life.

3. Identify the biggest challenges you face with being single and
develop goals to defeat them.

4. Develop affirmation cards. Grab some index cards and write
positive thoughts, motivational statements, advantages and opportunities of being single, and self-improvement goals onto the cards. Read them to yourself daily to begin internalizing the messages. Alternatively, stick the cards in a jar and during times of loneliness or depressive funks, refer to the cards for a quick pick-me-up.

5. Identify things you’ve always been meaning to do or try but
never made the time to pursue or learn. Take action.

6. Build your support system, join a class, volunteer for a cause
that’s meaningful to you, commit yourself to health and wellness.
Be active. Live your life to the max! Make it count!

Conclusion
As you can see, being single provides you with many opportunities for self-growth, fun, and preparing yourself for your life partner when you eventually meet him. Take advantage of this crucial time in your life to accomplish your life goals, improve your self-esteem, work through any internalized homophobia you may be struggling with, and build your interpersonal skills. It’s important to avoid glamorizing relationships because “the grass is not always greener on the other side” and to realize that having a boyfriend does not take away problems that you may already have in your life. Appreciate this time of your life and don’t measure your happiness or worth as a person on your relationship status.

The Law of Attraction states that we attract situations, people, and experiences in our lives that reflect who we are and what we focus on. Negativity about being single will only mirror, magnify, and attract more negativity. Counter this by taking charge of your single life and crafting it into being the most meaningful and fulfilling time of your life with its alignment to your life vision and purpose. Cheers to your becoming a successful single!

(1) Hendrix, H. (1992). Keeping the Love You Find. New York: Pocket Books/Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the
FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Natural Intentions

2009-02-23T18:45:00.004-06:00

Today, a relative of mine emailed me a rather weird question regarding homosexuality... and I'm a bit caught off guard because I didn't know she had any interest in my sexuality whatsoever. Essentially, she wanted to know what purpose do I believe gay men serve in this world, if being gay is natural.

I'm not sure of her intentions, but for now, her email is marinating in my queue... waiting for a response. After spending the better part of the afternoon thinking about it, I can see how homosexuals have such a huge hill to climb in order to forge and maintain relationships that go deeper than one-night stands or fuck buddies. Mother Nature has set up such a complicated rule-set between males and females of nearly every species. Knowing if one man is interested in a woman is mostly through non-verbal communication... body language... all in the name of procreation; survival of the species; an ever-strengthening line of evolutionary traits.

But what about gays and lesbians? While heterosexual males in most species compete with each other for the right to seed a woman with his legacy, we homosexicals are busy competing with each other for the right to provide and be provided with "happiness".. something that's in the eye of the beholder. Since we have no need to attract each other in order to procreate, one could argue that we are Mother Nature's weapon to maintain balance by stemming overpopulation. Ahhh... a win-win deal with Mother Nature.

While there are 12-year-old English boys impregnating 15-year-old girls, and a mother of 6 children in California being implanted with 8 embryos -- we are here to help Mother Nature stave off overpopulation. In return, she provides us with all the 'accessories' we need to be happy in our role.

While 1.2 out of every 3 heterosexuals are saying until death do us part, only to divorce a relatively short time later -- we are here to make them appreciate their ability to get married and have children, all while calling them out on what "family values" are when a mother in Houston, Texas drowns her babies in a bathtub... or a mother in Plano, Texas cuts her baby's arms off because God told her to. As Mother Nature's ambassadors, we remind heterosexuals that they are not without flaw... and the prism of normality has many faces depending on which side is lit. In exchange, Mother Nature provides us with hypocritical, hetero-hilarious headlines of entertainment to stuff our blogs with the healing power of laughter.

While heterosexual men are on Mars... alone, homosexual men are on Venus -- right along with heterosexual women... providing the female half of our species hope that not all males are assholes who simply don't understand them. As Mother Nature's emissaries, we provide females with an additional emotional support network. In exchange, Mother Nature gives us 'fag hags' for added dimension and color to our lives.

Natural Intentions. We are here to stay... in a symbiotic relationship with our heterosexual counterparts. They replenish our population. We strive to make our world a better place for ALL. That, my fellow bloggers and bloggettes, is the response my 'curious' relative will receive. A little bit of spice on in, but hey... what can I say... I get one free "Be a Beeeyotch" card per week, so I'm using it on this post.

The Moral Tug of War

2009-02-23T12:43:00.000-06:00

The anniversary of one of the darkest moments in my life has now come and gone. It's not nearly as painful as it used to be, and nowadays, it just serves as a milestone... a milestone to remind me that there is always something to learn from setbacks.

Years ago, just after closing on my brand new house, I was herded into an office and unceremoniously handed my walking papers. I had just found out that an old friend of mine had committed suicide, and later on that evening, my house's main circuit breaker blew out -- costing hundreds of dollars that I soon wouldn't have. When it rains, it pours right?

Aside from my own struggles, I learned that one of my good friends knew I was on the list to be laid off. He also knew I was getting a new house. I remember the look on his face to this day... the look of a tormented, young, Republican father and husband. Our friendship had gotten onto the fast track, despite our vast differences... and when he admitted that he knew, he fought back the tears and apologized profusely.

At the time, I was fighting my own emotions -- oblivious to the fact that my friend was caught in the middle of a moral tug of war. I didn't know if I could forgive him, but being as diplomatic and non-confrontational as possible, I accepted his apology. Now, I'm so glad that I didn't take the lash-out-with-anger approach.

You see, it turns out that the boss lady told him not to reveal the list of the axed. She never told him he'd be fired if he did, but I could only imagine being forced to weigh the possibility of not being able to provide for your spouse and child vs. a really good friendship. To him, it was obvious to choose maintaining his job over our friendship... and I know it must have been the most difficult thing he ever had to do by keeping that information from me. He knew that I could very well lose my house after my job. But still, he couldn't risk his job, so he had to keep me in the dark... and thus, I was blindsided when the day came.

A moral tug of war... loyalty vs. truth... that's what he was faced with. Right vs. Right dilemmas are so damned tough to unravel, aren't they? The Anti-Choice vs. Pro-Choice dilemma... the death penalty debate... there are so many "right vs. right" arguments that have existed for so long because both sides have a valid premise.

Nevertheless, although that day was filled with lots of bad things -- I came away with a very positive message. I believe there's always something valid behind the reason people do the things they do... act the way they act... are the way they are. Ignorance is just a matter of ignoring the question of "why".... and things are almost never what they appear to be.

Credit Crunch Berries, Part 2

2009-02-22T10:23:00.000-06:00

So, as some may recall from a previous post, I wrote to Capital One regarding the change of terms I received. Just to hammer home the point of how impersonal these companies are, I am posting the original letter I submitted to them -- followed by their subsequent response.

Just take a moment to soak in the vapors of their idiotic reply... and they wonder why some of us want them to sink into the abyss. When they do, I hope the underlings find employment elsewhere as quickly as possible. I don't want any hard-working, honest person to lose their jobs. But, the people at the top need to learn a very important lesson.

Original Letter:

As a loyal customer who has always made timely payments (often above
minimums), I am truly disheartened to learn that my purchase rate is
going up by 70% in less than 3 months from now.

Through no fault of my own, your decision has forced me to critically
analyze your commitment to your best customers. I realize you have a
business to run. However, I am shocked that you are targeting customers
who not only bring you good business, but cause no problems for you. To
make it even more difficult for these customers to pay down their
balances and risk losing them altogether makes no sense to me.

Reluctantly, I have no choice but to close and immediately pay off my
Capital One account. I will follow the procedures you have outlined in
your mailer. I just wanted your company to know how disappointed I am to
receive these change of terms.

Sincerely,

Kevin

-------------------------------------
Capital One Response:

February 10, 2009 07:32 PM
Subject: Re: Account terms (fees, APR, etc.)
Message: Dear Kevin,

Thanks for contacting us about your Capital One account.

Thank you for making us aware of your situation.

You are a valued customer and we thank you for choosing Capital One.

If you have questions, please respond to this email or our Customer
Service Representatives are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week at
1-800-955-7070.

Sincerely,

Capital One Services, LLC.
-------------------------------------
Now, how would you feel about getting a half-ass reply such as this? Would you feel like a valued Customer? This is a 'stock' response, pieced together to the point where it doesn't really address me or my issue. Ha... what's in my wallet? Not a Capital One card! My dogs Dirk and Yani are using the sum bitch as a chew toy.

Echelon of Hate Crimes, Part 2

2009-02-22T07:11:00.001-06:00

One of the biggest jolts of culture shock I ever received was when I attended Texas A&M University back in the early 90s. Not only was it an immediate transplant into a "country-style" culture, but I was tossed into the ring of issues that I'd never really dealt with in my adolescence.

I already felt like a fish out of water just living in Texas... and A&M was like the fillet knife, ready to gut my innards at any time. My first days in school were spent getting acclimated to my new surroundings. I remember walking past old dormitories with Confederate flags draped from the windows. Confederate flags? I vividly remember asking one of my new friends, "WHAT THE FUCK?!"

Then came the big debate on whether the flags were heritage or hate. From there, the debate spiraled into what constitutes hate crimes... and further downhill to the point that hate crimes are a violation of free speech. Huh?? Seriously. Did I miss something here? Eventually, my Republican, White counterpart -- who by all means was a very nice guy... and HOT -- honed in on freedom of religious speech. This all came to be when I not only used my 'Blackness' as an example, but my sexuality, too.

He felt that while homosexuality was "okay" with him, people that disagree with it could be accused of inciting violence if they preached their views... especially pastors in church. Why penalize a religious figure for his thoughts and beliefs? Essentially, hate crime laws would be sequestering his freedom to speak as he chooses. I listened to him... perhaps mesmerized by his green eyes, dirty blond hair, and preppy gear. I couldn't volley a response, because quite frankly, I felt it was a good point at the time.

Now, after life has 'hardened' me up a bit, I absolutely disagree with him in retrospect. To my understanding, hate crimes zero in on hate-driven violence... so as long as a pastor is not actually inciting and encouraging violence against the homosexual community, he should have the right to throw fire and brimstone from his pulpit until he's blue (or black) in the face.

So now, I'm curious. Does anyone actually agree with my Republican friend? Does anyone agree that hate crime laws inhibit freedom of religious speech? Can anyone vindicate my hot college-era friend?

Echelon of Hate Crimes, Part I

2009-02-21T19:30:00.007-06:00

Ladies and gents... this is one tired Black Man Next Door! Today has been a whirlwind of events, and they aren't quite over. Work has been somewhat busy, toiling away with co-workers of all different walks of life - race, religion, nationality, and sexual orientation.

The melting pot of a harmoniously working team of underlings sparked me to write about times where those differences actually make people clash. Last summer, a gay man was savagely beaten in the gayborhood of Dallas by two hetero-thugs looking for trouble. (Story HERE) The DA's office opted not to pursue this as a hate crime, which enraged many in our community.

Hate crime... issuing a higher echelon of punishment to offenders motivated by hatred or contempt for a certain "group" of people. This is one issue that I've straddled the fence on for quite some time now. It may be shocking to hear this from a Black, gay blogger... but it's true. Ultimately, I am for hate crime legislation, but I acknowledge holes.. problems.. concerns about my stance that need alleviating.

This will more than likely be a four-part post, as there are many aspects of hate crimes that I want to touch on and ping you for your thoughts. First and foremost, aren't all violent crimes an expression of hatred toward another human being? For example: Four White men driving on Peace Street witness a man savagely beating his wife, stop the car, assail him, drag him into the street, and beat him within an inch of his life... staining the concrete with his blood. What is driving their actions? If it's not a strong, negative emotion like hatred... why not simply restrain the man until the cops arrive? But say they didn't... they make this man their bitch.

The real deal to chew on is that this would not be considered a hate crime, even if they know this guy, and have in fact hated the man's guts since the day they met him. Why? Because they are ALL White. If a man brutally rapes a woman, screaming "Bitch! Bitch! Whore! Slut!"... wouldn't you consider that an act of hatred? Communities should shun and fear this type of violent activity regardless of demographics... and I am not totally sure that crimes against a certain demographic instill greater fear than the examples of crimes I just described above. Bottom line... part of me believes that all violent crimes should receive the highest echelon of punishment possible.

Anyone have any thoughts about whether or not hate crimes deserve a higher level of punishment?

Interraciality, Part II

2009-02-21T10:23:00.007-06:00

I hope everyone is enjoying this Saturday morning of late February. I'm enjoying my ritualistic ceremony of coffee with 2 creams, 2 sugars, 3 stirs, and a napkin. It's going to be a busy morning, but I'm taking pause to continue my thoughts on "Interraciality".

To this day, I believe one of the best interracial couples to grace American television was that of Keith and David on Six Feet Under (2001-2005). David Fisher, portrayed by Michael C. Hall, is a funeral director; Keith Charles, portrayed by Mathew St. Patrick, is a police officer. It was one of the most interesting relationship dynamics that I've ever watched, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

It's amazing that the 21st century is now in full swing, and there is still a painful lack of homosexual, interracial couples gracing our television sets and movie screens -- hell, gay/lesbian couples, period. Not only that, but our community needs representative couples that aren't simply props for flaming comic relief, or mere sidekicks and villains in predominantly heterosexual settings. I yearn for them to be an integral part of the story as three-dimensional characters, like all gays and lesbians are. I truly feel that this will really help provide the audience the sense of understanding that each and every one of us has yet to receive from society at large.

Right off the bat, I knew that Six Feet Under was going to pull the rug off of a myriad of stereotypes... especially toward the Black, gay man. The relationship between David and Keith starts in a church... not a bar, club, or Pride parade. Something that many of us can actually identify with! Refreshing!

Keith attended West Point Military academy and served on a police force for 9 years before going into private security. He definitely has issues with anger management, but the show twists this quality into something that we, the audience, can empathize with -- albeit in a dark, uncanny way. Like, for instance, he ends up violently beating the stuffing out of a guy during a domestic violence call. *grin* (I'm wondering if he can provide services to R&B singer, Rhianna! chris brown needs a good can of Africanized WHOOP ASS!)

Then, you have David Fisher... once a young, Republican. He kept his sexuality in the closet for a time, and was even so confused as to get engaged to a woman. David also took his deceased father's position as a deacon at a church that shunned homosexuality.

Not even Queer as Folk invoked such a clash of three dimensional, believable qualities of character. Keith and David are examples of a deep, critical analysis of the human psyche... not just touching on the umbrella of gay issues like other shows and movies do.

When these two fine-ass men intertwined, you could really feel the clash... the conflict... and your heart really wraps around them. They break up and kiss up several times, but they never really ran away from each other. There was this sense that they knew this was a foundation for something greater, and they worked on it through counseling.

The David-Keith relationship resonated a message that I thought gay/lesbians of the Millenials, Gen-Y, and even Gen-X should really ponder. Too many of us cut and run when the going gets tough because it's so easy. We affect other lives with each and every thing we do, whether we like it or not. In this ever-crazy world of darkness, hatred, war, bigotry, and violence -- when we do come across something good, we shouldn't expect 'perfection on a platter'. The sweetness of perfection is striving for it, not necessarily attaining it... much like a forbidden fruit.

If you haven't seen Six Feet Under, I highly recommend it! If you know of other excellent portrayals of gay, interracial relationships on the tele-waves, let the Black Man Next Door know!

Interraciality, Part I

2009-02-20T17:30:00.000-06:00

The other night at a local gay club, while I was enjoying a celebration for one of my fag hag's professional achievements, I had just enough cocktails to get out on the dance floor. Another one of my female friends joined me out there, and as we swirled away to 80s dance music, I noticed two men off to my left. They clicked so well together, dancing like intertwined birds... arms and hands draped over each other... eyes locked onto one another as if communicating by some extrasensory means.

Now, you're probably saying.. "Kevin, it's a gay bar with guys all over the dance floor. What's the big deal?" Just tie your wings up for a second, I'm getting there. You see, these weren't just two every day gaybirds dancing in the pale moon light. One of them was a 5'10" White guy, dressed like the guy-next-door. The other, a 6' or so Black guy, dressed like the guy-next-door... and there were NO other paired-up dancers like that in the whole joint. Both of them looked as though they walked straight out of the office and onto the dance floor.

Now, you're really scratching your head.. "Kevin, interracial couples are out all the time, and it's a common thing nowadays. After all, the 1960s are long gone." Maybe in your neck of the woods, but...

To that, I say, "Wrong."

I have long walked the streets here in this Texas metropolis called Dallas/Ft. Worth, and you'd be surprised how rare it is to see any interracial couples walk down "rainbow avenue"... much less dancing together in a club. In these parts, out of all racial combinations that you would see on occasion, White-Black 'interraciality' seems to be one of the rarest dynamics. Anyway, as my fag hag twirled me around on the dance floor, I was completely mesmerized. I tried not to make it obvious that I was staring at them, but it was the most refreshing sight that I've ever seen at The Mining Company gay club.

Perhaps somewhere deep in the recesses of your brain, you are asking me "Why?"... Hmmmm, probably because in all my years of dating, I've heard so much about the stigmas of "interraciality", be it homo- or heterosexual. I've had everything from religious beliefs to statistics thrown in my face, and my past failed interracial relationships only bolster those statistics.

But that night, on that dance floor, I felt the energy of two soul mates of interraciality... and it was strong. Love really does have no color, and I walked off of the dance floor smiling, tipsy, and hopeful.

Boundaries for You and Your Guy

2009-02-19T23:57:00.000-06:00

"Boundaries For You & Your Guy”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction
Have you ever skipped going to the health club one day because you just absolutely had no motivation to get all sweaty and tired? Or what about gorging on a half-gallon of ice cream to cope with your stress? Ever leave the mall wondering what the heck you were thinking maxing out your credit card? Do you work more hours at your job than need be? These are situations where a boundary violation of the self has occurred and we’ve all been there.

Boundaries are the limits we set around ourselves to keep safe, centered, and accountable. They are usually drawn from our values and they define who we are and what we will and won’t accept in our lives to keep our integrity and well-being intact. The more aligned our behavior is with our defined boundaries, the more balance and harmony we tend to experience in our lives. When we act outside the confines of our boundaries, our self-esteem can take a hit and we actually can create a whole host of other stressors that will disrupt us and leave us feeling badly and out-of-integrity. It is human nature to stumble outside our boundaries from time to time, but when it becomes a way of life, underlying issues may be at play that will require some attention and intervention to avoid ongoing conflicts in one’s life.

Not only do we have self-imposed boundaries, but boundaries also pertain to our relationships. A healthy relationship is comprised of two men with a solid sense of self and identity. Boundaries help protect the partners of a couple from abuse or outside influences of others. They help create a sense of security in the partnership, allowing safe communication of needs and feelings between the partners that helps to solidify a positive connection and intimacy. Boundaries help cement what is deemed appropriate and inappropriate conduct both within and outside the context of being a couple and help to define who you are and what you stand for as life partners.

Boundaries & Relationship Types
Here’s an illustration as to why boundaries are important to your relationship. Take out a piece of paper. At the top of the page, draw two circles on opposite sides of the page. This represents the type of relationship where the couple identifies themselves as a pair, however they have little connection with each other and live parallel lives with minimal contact, sharing, or interaction that would support an intimate commitment. This relationship exhibits boundaries that are too strong to allow closeness and which there’s too much separateness and division between the two men. Little will grow from this except more of a “roommate feeling” and dissension. This style has too much individual identity.

In the middle of the page, draw two circles with one on top of the other. This relationship type is called enmeshed, where the couple is practically one whole. You are your partner; you live and breathe your partner with very little independence and individuality. You are merged together so completely that you lose your sense of self because you’re so fused and any perceived threat that exists to your relationship is thought of as devastating. The problem with this relationship style is that partners can feel suffocated and overly-dependent on each other; controlling behaviors are not uncommon and you can feel restricted and trapped. This style has too much couple identity.

At the bottom of the page, draw two circles that are mildly intertwined at the sides. This is a healthy relationship where the partners are slightly merged. There is a healthy balance of separateness and togetherness. The couple is flexible, honoring their uniqueness as individuals and their shared connection as partners. Because of this balance, “fresh air” is constantly being breathed into the relationship, revitalizing it and making it exciting, unlike the staleness of the former relationship type where everything is about the other person. This style works because the boundaries aren’t too rigid or loose and they take into account that healthy relationships have both individual and couple identities. This is what you want to shoot for!

Boundary Violations In Gay Relationships
We’ve talked about self-oriented boundary violations like straying from your diet or cheating on a test. Violations in your relationship with your partner can be particularly damaging, however, as they can diminish your trust in each other and cause significant conflicts and emotional distance that can tear down the foundation of commitment you’ve built. Again, it’s human to stray from our boundaries at times, but when it becomes pervasive and isn’t talked about with your partner to try and remedy it, serious consequences can arise.

Here are some examples of common boundary violations in relationships to give you a better idea of what we’re talking about:

You drink too much at the bar with your friends and flirt with all the men near you while your partner is away on business
Your partner pressures you to experiment with sexual practices you’re not comfortable with
You don’t stick up for your partner when your family badmouths him
Your partner makes other things, like work or his hobbies, more of a priority than spending quality time with you
You don’t voice your opinions about the way you would like things to function in your relationship and then harbor feelings of resentment toward your partner when he makes all the decisions
Your partner strays from your monogamous relationship by cheating with someone he met on the Internet
Negativity, jealousy, passive-aggressiveness, lying, withdrawal, blaming…these are also “red flags”

And the list goes on and on! It is only a violation if either of you behave in a way that contradicts the relationship vision or mission that the two of you should have and should continue to be co-creating from the inception of your partnership. Communication of your expectations and values is critical from the very beginning of your relationship and should continue to be re-visited periodically to ensure you both are still “on the same page”. Your relationship and the players involved in it will grow and change, which is a normal part of your maturation, and you’ll need to be open to this and make revisions to your original “contract” as necessary.

Tips For Boundary-Setting Success

As an individual, determine whether you struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships and life in general. Difficulties with boundaries can come from many sources, including: being raised in a dysfunctional family where unhealthy boundaries were modeled, low self-esteem, lack of individual identity and codependency, poor assertiveness and social skills, being in an abusive or toxic relationship, being easily guilt-prone, having addictions of any kind, having power/control issues, getting a sense of validation for catering to a relationship partner, etc. Try to identify where your struggles with boundaries originate and keep track of what triggers your self-sabotaging behavior. Work aggressively at overcoming these personal hurdles to promote a more solid and confident sense of self.
Take a class on assertiveness training or get some counseling to help you build skills in identifying your needs and feelings and how to directly express them without guilt or qualification.
As a couple, plot out a relationship mission statement that specifies your values and expectations for behavioral conduct as individuals and as a couple. This becomes your “relationship contract” that will give you a structure by which to live your life with integrity and stability. Introduce spontaneity and novelty into your relationship from time to time so you don’t feel like you’re living according to a policies and procedures manual and to keep the spark alive.
Make sure that you both define your particular boundaries around money, household management and domestics/division of labor, sex, monogamy vs. non-monogamy, parenting roles (if applicable), work, friends, family, health, spirituality, the way anger is dealt with, how you spend your time, etc. It may seem like a lot of material to cover, but the more that’s communicated will lessen the opportunity for surprise violations to occur in the future. It’s a great way to learn more about each other too and create further growth as a couple.
Realize that you and your guy will not always see eye-to-eye on things. It will be important to recognize and appreciate your differences and have systems in place to manage disagreements (eg. fair-fight rules, taking Time-Outs when anger gets unproductive, following the problem-solving process for reaching win/win solutions, practicing forgiveness and compromise, etc.). Communication is key of course! Make sure you’re both well adept in the fine art of active listening to help pave the way toward resolution.
Boundaries protect your relationship from outside forces as well. Should family or friends try to come between you, even if well-intentioned, always stand by your man and reinforce your commitment to each other. Don’t enable other peoples’ efforts to force their viewpoints and projections onto your relationship.

Conclusion
So whether you’re single and looking for Mr. Right or you’ve already found him, recognize the profound importance boundaries have on your well-being and quality of life. Without them, you’re left in a vulnerable position and can make poor choices that could adversely affect the course of your life. Knowing yourself and standing up for what you believe in can empower you to enjoy life to the fullest and accomplish great things in your relationships.

Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: "I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

Eye for an Eye

2009-02-19T13:30:00.002-06:00

An eye for an eye... an ancient phrase that many of us are very familiar with. I was just getting showered and ready for work when I came across a darkly interesting article.

The story of an Iranian woman blinded by acid certainly drives home the point that there are really cruel people out there. Click HERE for the full story.

There is one thing that bothers me about what the victim said, and don't take this as an attack or an effort to demonize her -- but rather, a somewhat obscure phenomenon pertaining to capital punishment. It is happening around the world... from America to Iran... and not only do I see it in victims, but politicians as well.

Here in Texas, home of former President George W. Bush, his words as governor still ring in my head. At the time, Texas was #1 in exacting the death penalty -- and to this day, I'll bet my left nipple it still is. However, when confronted with that sombering statistic, Bush continuously used words like "justice". Never did he, nor other death penalty supporters, use words like "revenge" or "vengeance". Indeed, such words ring of barbarism and other thematic evils. In the story of Ameneh Bahrami, she states:

"I don't want to blind him for revenge. I'm doing this to prevent it from happening to someone else."

Now, let's review the definition of revenge, as queried from Dictionary.com:

1. to exact punishment or expiation for a wrong on behalf of, esp. in a resentful or vindictive spirit: He revenged his murdered brother.

2. to take vengeance for; inflict punishment for; avenge: He revenged his brother's murder.

The bottom line is that capital punishment is revenge. It is vengeance. She did nothing wrong whatsoever, and I sincerely empathize with her.... and yes, it's only natural to resent the guy for what he did. If by some ethereal means, she doesn't resent him whatsoever, I certainly admire her for that. However, I'm sure the society that is pouring the acid more than makes up for the resentment that Ms. Bahrami may not have.

Nonetheless, I do wish we'd just call this what it is. Oh, by the way... I doubt this will prevent some other crazy nut in Singapore, Canada, the United States, Italy, et al. from robbing an innocent person of their eyesight... only the vile, disgusting man that took her eyesight away.

Why is it so difficult to admit revenge when it is exacted? Does it make us a barbaric species? You damned right it does... and it should... because we are. Nevertheless, I wish Ameneh Bharami and other victims of such brutal crimes all the best in life. I always hope that these punishments bring the sense of "closure" that they are intended to provide.

Dude, Where's My Plumber?

2009-02-19T09:40:00.008-06:00

Imagine one day, you are sitting at your computer and reading this blog. The sunshine is bright. The coffee is strong. All is right with the world... until you hear the loudest, most awful sound of moaning, twisting metal erupting from somewhere in your bathroom.

Within minutes, water starts gushing onto your bathroom floor. Who do you call? This construction worker pictured to the left? How about a preacher that proclaims that it is the word of God that the Earth will not flood again -- and that it's a sin to reverse the Lord's work?

Well guess what... you call a plumber, and the next thing you know, there are dozens of people showing up at your front door. You see a dentist, a teacher, a lawyer, and a vast array of people that don't know diddly-squat about your home, issues, or needs. To your disappointment, a plumber is not in the crowd.

This scenario, albeit extreme, is what I feel like when I read the comments of people who truly know NOTHING about what being a homosexual is like. And sorry, just because you know of a "two-story house" on Elm Street, doesn't mean the "two-story house" on Main Street is anywhere close to being the same. I liken them to the house shopper that looks at the outside to determine a home's true value. They walk around the perimeter and suddenly, they know everything they need to know regarding the house being "right" or "wrong".

There are so many intricacies to the "house of homosexuality", but the most important part is its foundation. Each and every homosexual's foundation was laid on different soil. Some soils shift, while others are firmly set... reacting with nature, or rather, their external environment. Each and every home, like a homosexual, has its own personality. Some are frat houses. Some are party homes. Some are plantation homes, waiting for slavery to become legal again --- yearning for a fresh coat of racist paint.

Look... there is so much to learn about a homosexual, just like a home. The value goes much deeper than someone's anatomical parts. After all, believe it or not, these "house shoppers" may want to consider the fact that there are many homosexuals who aren't promiscuously screwing everything that walks. Yes, THAT part is a choice. We are the everyday, good ol' American home lining good ol' American streets just like everyone else. Our roofs need new shingles. Our yard needs mowing. Our pipes occasionally burst... and we need a PLUMBER, not a PREACHER who truly understands our structure, character, and foundation.

So, enough of the pseudo-plumbers who think they are the God that knows anything and everything about something they are NOT. I am but a house waiting for the right person to be a home to... just like my heterosexual counterparts. Some homes let multiple people inhabit their innards. THAT part is a choice. Other homes let one special person live inside. THAT part is a choice, too; but, if the foundation of homosexuality is choice, not orientation -- then why aren't we attracted to EVERYONE of the same sex? After all, we can just pick and choose whoever we want to be attracted to, and POOF... instant erection, right?

Nah... sorry, Game Over. Insert Coin(s). This isn't a video game. This isn't a shower, where you can just simply turn the knob and have attraction, desire, yearning, and love for a hot man; turn the knob for a refreshing, cool, invigorating, and insatiable hankering for a woman.

Rather, it's the same reason why each and every heterosexual is not attracted to EVERY member of their opposite sex. It's not their choice.. it just IS. This is also applicable to every gay and lesbian "house" resting upon their own foundation... lining the streets of America...and the world for that matter, waiting for that special friend, lover, or companion to open their doors to and help them understand and enjoy what's inside.

Now, if you truly want to know me, come on over. Just don't turn on my sink, because I'm still waiting for my damned plumber... and his name is NOT Joe.

War of the Christians

2009-02-18T08:35:00.010-06:00

Ahhhh, something just happened to me that hasn't happened in months! No, I'm not talking wet dreams... rather, I woke up to the sounds of birds chirping... pigeons cooing... one giant chorus outside of my ever-brightening bedroom window. So anyway, while the coffee is brewing in the kitchen, I figured I'd take this opportunity to decorate this small corner of cyberspace with a few thoughts.

You see, last year, I ventured to this new social networking site called Facebook. On there, I started connecting with all sorts of friends, new and old. I forged most of those friendships right here in Texas. But recently, one of my friends resurfaced after a few years, and she has been on my mind ever since I posted "Within These Walls" on February 16th.

Whether she knew this or not, she had a profound effect on me. She gave me a fresh perspective on things, especially religion. In fact, there have been a lot of people... heterosexual, die-hard Christian men and women I've met in recent times that have really helped me understand what's going on in the world.

There's a social war currently in progress... a World War III... a War of the Christians; homosexuals have long been caught in the middle. Even though many of us identify as Christian, we are still their ultimate manifest destiny. We are the "Kashmir" of India, China, and Pakistan. We are the "oil of Iraq". We represent something that two other parties are fighting over. They are fighting over a coveted resource I truly believe all people of faith ultimately need... and that is self-validation.

For the purpose of this post, my newly found lady friend belongs to the side I call "Angelics". The other side is filled with people that go into homo-oriented blogs and assail us with their perspective on what's right and what's wrong... hurling Bible passages at us like Molotov cocktails. Yet, they fail to see why so many homosexuals are angry with them. As a response, some of us lash back with sometimes hateful responses. Texas is literally infested with this type of Christian, whom I term the "Battlers".

War of the Christians: Angelics vs. Battlers

Now, not all Battlers yell, scream, and approach homosexuals with guns blazing. Some of them can be coy, cool, collected, and calculating -- with deadly precision. These types of Battlers move around in stealth mode, dropping landmines in an effort to blow us up piece by piece. First a leg... then an arm; our heart; a thigh; a breast; a wing -- you get the idea.

Ahhh, yes -- Battlers in stealth mode. They pass out fliers... they cruise through gay neighborhoods on "peaceful missions of conversion"... they attempt to alter legislation. Essentially, they confront homosexuality via physical means. They believe by forcing God's word onto us, that will somehow "cure" us of our afflictions and give us the chance to repent, or go to Hell.

Meanwhile, the Angelics, although many of whom empathize with Battlers, take a starkly different approach. They confront homosexuality with the attempt to understand and respect our differences. In reaching out with their olive branches, from time to time, they will invoke their beliefs through indirect suggestions. "Come check out my church this Sunday." "There's this guy in Bible Study that I may think is actually gay. Help me find out." Long story short, they "pray" for us while standing by our side. As such, you'd never see a Battler and a homosexual going to gay bars together... drinking, dancing, laughing, and just having a good, honest time... only Angelics.

Angelics believe that the key to getting people to love God is not by damning them to Hell... stone-casting... rewriting Constitutions... and such. Additionally, they believe that homosexuals are the moral stepping stones Battlers need to quench an insatiable appetite for self-rightousness. They feel that the Battlers are attacking us with words in a subtle attempt to validate themselves, even though Angelics aren't aware that they need to be validated from time to time as well.

Nevertheless, Angelics are generally confident in their own skin and beliefs, and don't feel the need for "pounce and conquer" tactics. So, it's safe to theorize that Angelics tend to indirectly take the "kill homosexuality with kindness" approach. Hence, this is the source of this two-front War of the Christians, and the stains of our blood coat a violent battlefield.

The homosexual's conundrum spawned when there became a need for everyone to co-exist in order for the greater whole to survive. Now, I believe it's vital for the gay community to build bridges, even with those who disagree with our sexual orientation -- or what some like to refer to as 'lifestyle'. For that, the Angelics are the surest bet we have in accomplishing that goal. If there is ever to be gay marriage or rights at the American federal level, it will be at the political hands of Angelics. However, we can only stand halfway on the bridge. If the Battlers would rather blow that bridge up, then there's nothing more we can do with them.

I guess that's why I have only befriended Angelics - and somehow, someway, they manage to stay in my life... walk with me side-by-side in our similarities and our differences. Angelics are the reason I believe that not all heterosexual, die-hard religious, and/or Republican people are out to utterly crush us in this life and beyond.

Abused by an Abuser, Part II

2009-02-17T16:19:00.009-06:00

Recently, I published a post regarding a celebrity's unfortunate encounter with her boyfriend last week. Click HERE.

It angered me so much that I still have residual feelings and thoughts about it. In the grandest limelight of the media stage, we hear about abused women all the time. But what about us men?

I've never spoken of what I'm about to tell you next... not even to my best friends, family, or co-workers. However, it's stories like this that make me wonder how many abused men are in hiding. How many of them are afraid that the police will do nothing if they report their lover? Abused men in gay relationships further complicates that fact.

The abuse comes in many forms, as I'm sure you're aware. Physical is the most obvious and overt. The worse it gets, the harder it is to hide from those closest to you. I was in an abusive relationship years ago -- one that lasted nearly 2 years. Now, mind you, I learned something about myself long ago -- thanks to my stepfather -- and that is, you don't dish out a hit without this homo fighting back. I'm small, but I'm scrappy like that. So, although my boyfriend at the time didn't abuse me physically, it came at me through verbal and mental means.

A lover's verbal and mental abuse creeps up on you like a night-stalker. I didn't see it coming like the headlights of an oncoming train. Rather, in my blind love, it took me nearly a year just to identify what was crushing me. Most of that time was spent denying it... pondering more palatable alternatives... trying to rationalize what was really going on between us.

Gradually, I settled into the role of peacemaker. We'd fight -- and he'd always be right... a master of manipulation... his powerful grip on my heart literally choked the life out of my mental acuity. I was willing to accept the role of someone inferior, just to keep balance and peace.

Some men like to tackle problems with physical exertion... "doers"... simple, logical thinkers... if it's in the way, move it... alter their surroundings anyway they see fit. If their man is out of line, smack them back in place. That's that. Others like me tend to tackle problems with mental exertion... "be-ers"... adapting to surroundings, rather than attempting to alter them... treating life and its problems as a delicate balancing act between surpluses and deficiencies. That quality worked against me in that relationship.

I packed up a suitcase, bought an airline ticket, and flew to Anchorage, Alaska. I needed to get away to someplace cold, crisp, and reflective. I stayed there for a few days, and a friend of mine called me one night. We talked for hours, and he was the rock I needed to help me face reality. I finally worked up the nerve to end the relationship. Despite leaving him, I felt bad... horrible.. like it was all my fault.

Now, I consider myself lucky. Who knows how many men are being abused out there, and they haven't found the strength to exit? Who knows how many abused men are caught in the delicate balancing act of keeping the peace... and keeping their focus on only the positive aspects of their abusive relationship. Today, I come out of the closet... for a second time.

Inside the Lion's Den

2009-02-17T15:58:00.005-06:00

Today, my thoughts rest upon one of my best friends from Chicago, Illinois. We've been friends for years now, and we have quite a bit in common. We work for the same place; both love to travel; both love men; both delved heavily into religion in the past; both tend to put others' needs ahead of our own; and both come from 'families' not consisting of a mother and a father -- like many conservatives define a true family to consist of.

Despite all of our similarities, it is perhaps our differences that make our friendship so strong. Most certainly, we've come to respect each other's different philosophies in life. That difference in philosophy truly shines when we go out to bars together.

You see, recently, we went out to The Mining Company -- a dark, mineshaft-themed gay bar in Dallas' Cedar Springs gayborhood. The crowd seems less pretentious there, and there's definitely an age difference between TMC and other nearby bars. Nevertheless, when we walk through those front doors and into the cavernous bellows of the lion's den within, reality blurs for my friend... and I already know how it's going to play out.

Supposedly, the inner soul thrives on one of four core engines: power, intimacy, fun, and peace -- so the color code theory goes. My friend most definitely thrives on fun... and the bare-chested go-go boys, beefy bartenders, and hot, sweaty man-skin seems to instill some sort of hope for something more meaningful down the road. TMC has just the type of man he is looking for, but deep down, he clings to the belief that he can walk out with the heart, soul, and love of any bar fly --- after a night of hot passion in the sheets.

But, I watch helplessly as a sexy bartender pours more and more liquor into his glass, and it flows into his inner child, blurring reality even further. After the bartender engages in conversation with him, he takes that as an advance -- or someone that is receptive to giving him what he wants and needs after last call. Within moments, he's passing out his phone number like free condoms.

Now, my inner soul is driven by the core engine of intimacy. I see bars as nothing more than a place to hang out with friends and have good conversation over drinks... not to mention the occasional "make-a-fool-out-of-myself" routines on the dance floor. Bartenders and go-go boys will smile, say "honey", "baby", "sweety", and all sorts of other words for one main reason... CASH. For a man looking for intimacy, they are like props in a meat market.

Don't get me wrong... I love man-watching just like the next guy, but it IS a meat market. It can even be the proverbial lion's den if you are out for one thing, but truly need another. Lust drips from the walls and onto the floor. If you see where I'm coming from, then you agree that over-emphasis on youth, appearance, and status is shoving kryptonite into the hearts for those that need more for true happiness.

Immediately, physicality has taken priority above all else... and that's totally cool if lust and physicality is all my friend wants. However, as time passes, I become more convinced that he may thrive on fun; but it's not the oil that his engine truly needs in order to run. If he is expecting something more either instantly or down the road --he will continue to walk away hurt, as he did that night... and the night before... and the night before. Then again, what do I know? I'm an over-the-hill, cynical, 30-something, cast-ironed blogger that has no sense of anything but dark realities... only because I learned important lessons the hard way.

*grin*

I love my friends to death. I would die over and over for them... and I know I can be suffocating with my opinions, to the point where I'm dangerously judgmental. It's only because I care -- not to argue who's right or wrong -- but because it sucks being used, abused, hurt, and treated like trash at the first sign of trouble. Nevertheless, from this post forward, I will bite my tongue. I'll be there for my friend to lean on. I'll be there as a drunk man's crutch between the bar counter and the car. I'll hide his keys and take him home. But in his war to snag the "perfect" bar fly, I'll opt to stand outside of the lion's cage and hope for the best.

Within These Walls

2009-02-16T20:11:00.010-06:00

For some, there's solace within the walls of a church. For others, there is angst. Still, there are those who find a heightened sense of spirituality. But what some take from the church into the world outside can equate to weapons of mass destruction.

I was an avid churchgoer in my younger days, when I attended Baptist church just south of downtown Dallas twice a week. I remember getting all dressed up for the children's usher board on every 3rd Sunday... riding shotgun in my grandmother's car... listening to His word for nearly 3 hours. Afterward, my grandmother would take us to a friend's house where she always had boxes of snacks and candy to sooth my sweet tooth.

I admit, the absence of fire & brimstone in my pastor's sermons captivated me... moved my soul... instilled me with a sense of security, faith, hope, and a dizzying array of other soul-shaking things. There was no talk of "homosexuality is wrong"... only phrases like "We are all His children"... "Jesus loves all"... etc. When the Reverend did talk about sins, he'd speak in a way that didn't ostracize anyone's core identity. He would provide examples like buying scratch-off lottery tickets or adultery.

As life became more complicated for me, I slowly drifted away from church. Mortal issues such as an abusive stepfather and a growing sense of my sexuality forced me to look at the world in a much broader perspective, with a little less naivety.

Life in a "Bible-Belt" state, especially Texas, proved to be brutal for me. As I grew older, the church establishment became more and more like a storehouse for weapons of mass destruction. Not the church I was attending, but rather, a multitude of locations dotting the Texas landscape. In many ways, I identified with my fellow homosexuals who were angered at things such as messages on billboards pictured to the right.

However, in some ways, I felt pragmatism flow into my veins. Why? Because when I hear some gays and lesbians talk about how bad churches are, especially Baptist churches, I can always point to my home church as an example to the contrary. Even so, the fact is, people have a right to hate homosexuals. They have a right to be racist. They have the right to religious freedoms.

The church that posted the message in the billboard pictured above was subsequently greeted by protesters. You would not find the Black Man Next Door amongst them. In a way, I simply don't agree with our ranks picketing and protesting in front of churches that preach a message that "we" don't agree with. Again, they have the right to religious freedom of expression -- and to encroach upon that makes us no better than them.

Nowadays, this church is posting billboard ads right in the heart of Dallas' gay neighborhood... and I struggle to understand their need to shove their beliefs into our ears. Why can't they live and let live? Why dump their toxic, nuclear wastes into the gardens of people who are different than they are?

There seems to be no shortage of these types of churches, churchgoers, and messages here in Texas. When we encroach upon their rights to live the way they want, and say what they want to say, they recoil into defense mechanisms... a safeguard to defend territory that they feel is threatened by homosexual "invasion". When they encroach upon our rights to live the way we want, and screw who we want to screw, we recoil into our defense mechanisms. A rift in mankind that is steadily ripping open into a gaping chasm.... but after reading many articles and blogs related to our war against our intolerant counterparts, our tongues can be just as toxic and hateful.

In my opinion, if we are to coexist in light of better understanding, it's not just about them getting to know the real "us". It's about us getting to know the real "them", too. They aren't necessarily encroaching our space out of hatred -- but out of simple misunderstanding due to existing stereotypes and beliefs about our culture. As long as we continue to feed those stereotypes and beliefs with Manhunt, Condoms-to-Go, and Gay Phone Sex billboard ads -- they will see the shallow end of the rainbow pool.

We must be pragmatists that are willing to seal the rift... not tear it apart even further. Rather than focusing on differences between homosexuals and heterosexuals, we should focus on our similarities as one human race.

Compromise, as all pragmatists ultimately do at some point.

Followed or Chased?

2009-02-16T12:20:00.007-06:00

There's an old saying in these here parts that deals with leadership roles like the one President Barack Obama fills. The fundamental problem with being a leader is that you don't know whether you are being followed, or being chased. One thing is for certain, we are watching.

The "opposition" always wants to act in a bipartisan, cooperative way when they are at their weakest. However, when the strongest don't split things down the middle 50/50, the "opposition" can't wait to take to the airwaves and start bitching.

Now, in comes people like Senator John McCain, who can't wait to sink his chops into the President by stating that he's off to a bad start. He's pissed because the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act doesn't cater more to what his side of the fence wants. People are pissed because this "stimulus bill" doesn't look or do exactly what they want it to do -- and I've even read on a few blogs about Obama being a downright idiot.

This is simple "power play tactics" at its best. The bottom line is: Obama could have spawned the perfect bill (which in its current form is not), and he'd still have whiners, bitches, and haters chasing him for the simple fact that they WANT him to fail. They WANT him out so that "opposition" can bolster their power reserves. It's a vicious cycle... a political machine... by which no one man, even the President, can keep well lubed on his own.

So, I ask you the reader... while "opposition" sorts out whether 'bipartisanship' means getting everything you want despite not being in power, who are the real losers? Can the toxic atmosphere of politics in America really be dispelled into TRUE bipartisanship on every issue? Mr. President, beware of your words and promises. The wolves are chasing you out of hunger, but stay true to your flock, and though we may not agree with you on everything, we will follow you. Why? Because we do not want you to fail. We do not want America to fail.

The good news: Opposition will soon realize that we aren't as stupid as they think we are. The wolves will die of starvation.

Fireballs of Texas

2009-02-15T18:44:00.007-06:00

So, as I was scrounging the house for a bit o' coffee this morning, Texans from Dallas down to Austin caught sight of something very unusual this morning.

The story is HERE.

Fireballs streaked out of the Sunday morning sky, making a beeline towards Earth. Could it be fragments from two satellites that collided last week? The Black Man Next Door thinks it was an omen from God -- stop screwing around with homosexuals and make gay marriage legal in Texas... only then will the rain of fire cease!

Quest of the Single Men

2009-02-15T09:12:00.007-06:00

“Boyfriend Quest: Defining Your Vision”
by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction
“Why can’t I sustain a relationship for more than two months?” “Aren’t there any decent guys out there?” These are common questions raised by many single gay men describing their frustration and hopelessness with their dating quests for true “boyfriend material.” Trapped in vicious cycles of unfulfilling dating experiences, many gay men begin to feel powerless, disappointed, and disillusioned. Not only do they begin to lose confidence, but they can even start to succumb to the dangerous stereotypical myth that long-term gay relationships are not possible. “Vision” is one sure-fire way to short-circuit this belief and create opportunities for getting what you most want.

What is Vision?
Vision is a process in which you develop a clear image in your mind of where you’re headed in your life. It acts as a guidepost, providing you with direction as you make efforts to meet your desired goals. It helps to keep you on track and stay clear in your thinking. It can also be motivating and be a good source of tracking for accountability and measuring progress toward your goal. It requires a lot of self-awareness and knowledge; you must know what your needs are specifically and the skills necessary to achieve your successful outcome.

Vision and the Boyfriend Quest
The concept of vision is not a new one. When you contemplate your future in terms of vocation, money, or health, you are applying principles of vision to guide you. Our society does little to train us on how to date healthily, particularly as gay men. Applying vision to the type of man and relationship you’d like to be in can go a long way toward putting a sense of control back in your dating life again. If we put as much energy into developing a vivid image of our intimate relationships as we do with career decision-making, for example, a lot less floundering will occur in the dating world because our relationship choices will be in alignment with our actual needs. We will be less apt to put ourselves in situations or become involved with men who are not in keeping with our needs and values as a result.

Action Challenges
Creating your vision to attract compatible dating partners is a very broad and complex process, but here is a simple exercise to help get you started.

1. Set the tone
Schedule a time where you’ll be free from distractions so you can focus all your energy on the task-at-hand. Do some relaxation exercises to help center you. Close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and rid your mind of all the stresses of your day.

2. Visualize
Let your imagination go and visualize what your lover would be like. If you were to open your eyes and your life could be exactly the way that you would want it to be (with no judgments from others and nothing would stand in the way of your having things be the way you want), life partner and all, what would it look like? Imagine everything and anything about your lover…his personality, appearance, behavior, values, etc. What do you look like and feel like as a result? Let your five senses go wild.

3. Journal
Take out a notebook and pen and write about your visualization experience and what you learned. Ask yourself such questions as: “Who am I?” “What do I want?” “What are my values?” “Who is my potential partner and what does he stand for?” etc. Avoid placing too much emphasis on the “other” in this exercise. It’s essential that you balance this with self-knowledge as well, recognizing what “makes you tick” and what your needs and guiding principles are. Identify potential obstacles that could get in the way along your path to finding Mr. Right and pinpoint resources available to you to help overcome them. Write it all down!

4. Express Yourself
Get creative and create some type of artistic outlet or expression to serve as a symbolic visual representation of your future boyfriend, relationship, or lifestyle. Draw or paint a picture of your vision. Write a poem or a song depicting your vision. Make a colorful poster, collage, or mobile. Let yourself go! And let your creation be a visual reminder and source of inspiration to you!

Conclusion
Developing your vision is a great starting point for creating a roadmap to the man and type of relationship you’re seeking. The important thing to remember is that you CAN take charge of your dating life and make things happen for yourself. Defining your vision helps you to plan, prioritize, and respond effectively to challenges along the way in your dating journey. Give yourself permission to dream! Once you have your vision, your next movement involves developing “next steps” with this knowledge, including designing an action plan.

Death by Exercise

2009-02-14T21:02:00.005-06:00

Okay, now I've heard it all. Up in a once red U.S. state turned blue, a 41-year old transgender woman was found guilty of reckless homicide. How? By killing her 70-something-year-old husband with excessive exercise.

The story is HERE.

So, she forced him to swim for so long in a pool that he had a heart attack. If it wasn't for a surveillance camera, she would have gotten away with it, too. Damn, that makes me wonder... what if you are in the middle of some hot, passionate sex with a kinky twist of videotaping -- and after a while, he tries unsuccessfully to struggle away from you before he has a heart attack.

If the cops found that videotape and decided to take you to court, could a jury find you guilty of murder by reckless lovemaking? Without audio on the videotape, such as in the story of this unfortunately dead swimmer, one has to wonder.....

Hex That 'Ex'

2009-02-14T07:59:00.005-06:00

Ahhhh, there's no better way to spend a Valentine's Day then at work with fellow co-workers. Historically, this day has been an utter nightmare for the Black Man Next Door, with little to celebrate or laugh about. Until now.

It seems like our fellow British allies across the pond have cooked up something called "Hex your Ex" Day, where bringing a picture of your ex-lover can earn you a discounted price into their house of horrors. Simply rip up the picture, throw it into a smoking cauldron, and POOF -- instant therapy.

Definitely a creative way to dig up some humor if you're either single or have been recently dumped. Years ago, I would have jumped at the chance to fly to London just to partake in such a humorous exercise. Nowadays, I just kill the exes with kindness if I ever hear from them. I guess passing into my 30s have made me somewhat of a pragmatist. Wishing ill-will upon someone that wronged me in the past has never brought me true closure.... and it still doesn't now.

But, whoever said 'the best revenge is to live well' is a friggin' genius. Life's too short, but for those of my neighborly readers who are having a difficult time today, I highly recommend checking out the post by The Gay Love Coach, Brian Rzepczynski. Just click HERE.

The Ebonically Enhanced White Guy

2009-02-13T15:21:00.000-06:00

I'm just tickled to death... not because the cops pulled me over yesterday for an expired vehicle inspection... not because I sat in the dentist chair all morning... but because of the comical dialogue from a certain "White Boy Across the Street".

I frequently ask myself why some White guys find the urge to ditch who they are for the sake of talking ebonics to me. If I were White too, would they still put on the act? Sometimes it's funny, and other times, it's not... and the frustrating thing is I still don't know why. Don't take The Black Man Next Door for a fool, though... especially if I just watched you be who you are one moment, then suddenly become "ebonically-enhanced" when you talk to me. What the FX up with that?

And what does it mean when a Black man or woman asks, "Why are you trying to act Black?" Lawd knows some of my friends think I was a White boy in my previous life... and still living in this one, except in a Black man's body. *sigh* We've jumped into the proverbial lion's den by reaffirming existing stereotypes, haven't we.

Maybe I fell into the stereotypical hole the first time I grinned when a White guy passed by me with his windows rolled down. He was kicked back in the seat, one hand on the wheel, 2Pac blaring so loud that it set off car alarms nearby. I fully admit my hypocritical ways, but I normally see the brothas doing such things... so it's actually humorous when the errant White guy snatches my own stereotypical pistol, and then aims it at me with a sexy smile.

In the back of my mind, I will always wonder... when I'm approached with ebonics flowing liberally from his lips, is he "talking down to me" or is he embracing a bonafide urban, hip side of his Caucasianally delicious persona? Texas seems to be teeming with ebonically-enhanced White guys, compared to other states that I've been to. I'm still eager to actually pass one on streets outside of the Lone Star State, just to affirm that they are truly everywhere.

Nonetheless, I hate being the victim of my own stereotypical subconscious thoughts. However, it provides plenty of opportunities to giggle at an ebonically-enhanced White guy's cuteness... once I've peered over the walls of my own insecurities.

.... and to think there was a time where supposedly, White men couldn't jump... nor rap... nor dance... nor be well-endowed -- all of which I've personally debunked a long time ago. But still, I will always be tickled by the ebonically-enhanced words spewing from their mouth -- as long as it is sincere and with good intentions.

In closing, I guess the true mystery at hand is why do some of us feel the need to go above and beyond just to step out of our own skin? (no pun intended) What is beneath the surface of terms like "acting Black", "talk White", and "straight-acting"? Perhaps it is self loathing in disguise... buried deep beneath surface of our souls.

Why? Why? The Black Man Next Door's favorite question to ponder... why?

Gay and Single on Valentine's Day

2009-02-13T11:57:00.005-06:00

“Gay & Single on Valentine’s Day: 8 Holiday Survival Strategies”

by Brian Rzepczynski, The Gay Love Coach
www.thegaylovecoach.com

Introduction

For those singles unhappy with their relationship status, Valentine’s Day can represent a sense of foreboding and dread as it highlights all the things they wish they had in their lives. Everywhere they look it seems like there is a happy couple on every street corner, and it seems inescapable to walk into a store without some image or product associated with the holiday being shoved in one’s face to reinforce the value of love and relationships.

However, I am here to tell you to stop the madness! Don’t let this particular day dampen your spirits or cause you to feel depressed! As you know, Valentine’s Day has become very commercialized and contributes to the stigmatization of being single—if you let it! Never forget that being single is an opportunity and an outright valid choice by many. Our society puts considerable pressure on us to become partnered and can cause one to feel minimized, left out, and “less than”. Not true! Recognize the power and growth potential that the single lifestyle affords you and embrace the fact that Valentine’s Day is just that—a day like any other day that’s intended for you to live it to the maximum and keep striving toward your dreams and goals.

But at the same time, it does seem near impossible to shield oneself from the hoopla that the media places on Valentine’s Day. And if you are struggling with trying to reconcile with your single status, it can be a difficult day if you allow it to define how you feel. So what follows is a list of tips and activities that you can try on for size to help you overcome “The Valentine’s Day Blues”. They’re not earth-shattering ideas, particularly if you don’t feel that there would be any viable substitute for having a hot guy on your arm for the evening, but they just might be a catalyst to help you take some positive actions that might help you achieve a renewed sense of spirit and perspective.

8 Valentine’s Day Survival Strategies

No date on Valentine’s Day? No problem! Try one of these action strategies and you just might realize that flying solo this year provides you with more benefits than having a date could have. The day could be a lot more rewarding than you think!

8. Take yourself out on a date and experience the ultimate in blissful self-care.
Give yourself permission to treat yourself well today. Pamper yourself and do something that will help you achieve a sense of relaxation and rejuvenation. Visit a spa, get a massage, soak in a hot tub, send yourself some flowers, read a good book, go to a movie or play, go shopping, masturbate, etc. Know your unique strategies for self-nurturance that will soothe you and partake in them. Indulge responsibly and guilt-free. You work hard and you deserve this pleasure!

7. Enjoy a night on the town.
If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Break out of the doldrums and get out there! Get dressed up to the nines and mix and mingle. Whether you go to a club or a single’s event, you’ll feel energized by doing something active and entertaining. By creating a bit of adventure, you’re adding a bit of spice to your life that will give you a sense of invigoration and enrichment.

6. Reach out to your support system.
Spend some time with your family and friends today. Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be pigeonholed into commemorating one’s love for a significant other. It’s also a day about celebrating your affections for anyone you care about. Make a connection to everyone in your “inner circle” and let them know how much you appreciate and value them.

5. Throw a Valentine’s party.
Organize your own creative holiday bash and invite all your single friends. Everyone can bring a Valentine’s gift and then names can be drawn at some point in the party to exchange the gifts with your “special Valentine.” The gifts can express appreciation of friendship or they can be raunchy and humorous. Pick a theme that expresses your unique personality and style and have a blast!

4. Help someone in need.
Nothing helps to break out of a funky mood than to volunteer one’s time and energy to a worthy cause. This type of distraction takes the preoccupation away from the self and all those negative thoughts, and instead channels one’s talents into a purposeful and meaningful activity that gives one a sense of accomplishment and contribution. Do some research in advance on what events or activities are going on in your community on Valentine’s Day and see if you might be able to enlist your services and help make a real difference in a person’s life or a cause.

3. Journal your feelings and strategize.
Break out a notebook and start a journal to record your thoughts and feelings about your single lifestyle and journey. If you’re upset about the holiday and your single status, write it all out on the paper to discharge this negativity and release it. But don’t stop there! Venting doesn’t achieve anything except temporary relief of pent-up frustration. Now write about what you’re going to do about those feelings. What productive action steps can you take to remedy your dissatisfactions? Do some problem-solving to devise potential solutions for your dilemma and try them out, making revisions as needed.

2. Celebrate your singlehood.
Avoid comparing yourself to other people who are in relationships. Not all couples are in ideal relationships and it’s important for you to manage your projections. In another entry in your journal, write about all the positives and advantages of being single and how you can maximize this time to make yourself the best person you can be. Also identify the things that you’re grateful for in your life and make sure to validate those things on a daily basis so you never lose sight or take for granted the good things you actually do have.

1. Clarify your dating and relationship goals and devise your official dating action plan.
Although this is definitely a work-in-progress, spend some time this evening alone with yourself to plot out your specific needs and goals as a way to improve your dating success. Create a vision of your ideal balanced lifestyle and of your ideal partner and relationship. What are the specific qualities and characteristics that you require? What are your negotiable and non-negotiable needs as it pertains to these parts of your life? What has been working for you along the way and in what ways might you be self-sabotaging your efforts in finding Mr. Right? How are your dating and social skills? How are your self-esteem, confidence, and assertiveness skills? What areas of your life help vs. hinder your quest? Use this information to make improvements in those areas in need of strengthening and draft an action plan using this knowledge for accomplishing your relationship goals that are driven by your values.

Conclusion

The important point to be made here is to acknowledge your feelings that you’re experiencing about Valentine’s Day, process them, and channel them into productive outlets. Avoid putting so much stock into the meanings and symbolism of this day and instead be proactive and make this day positive one that will allow you to keep the momentum going as you keep living and striving toward your vision of your ideal lifestyle. Valentine’s Day is for singles too! It’s all in what you make of it!

Men in Uniform - The Real Message

2009-02-12T10:06:00.020-06:00

A handyman drilling into my wall...

A firefighter spraying a burning structure with his hose...

A cop shooting his bullets...

A rescuer plunging into a dark hole...

A plumber fixing my pipes...

There are many thoughts that run through my head when I see men-at-work, men in uniform, et al. But what really makes them so attractive to the idling, drooling man (or lady) watching from afar?

When we see a uniform-clad man doing his dirty work, what touches off a cascade of lustful thoughts that keep the cogs of our brain spinning... even after their image is long gone?

Despite the fact that the firefighter pictured above is just plain gorgeous, his uniform adds a bit of spice to this already beautiful specimen... a specimen that would otherwise blend in with the everyday crowd walking down the street.

Of course, in my view, there's a lot to be told by what we wear while roaming the Matrix... from how conservative we are, to our lifestyle, right down to more subtle things like our self-confidence.

To me, uniforms add a whole new level of identification. For instance, when I look at the gentleman on the right, his uniform automatically shows a label of purpose. Purpose breeds focus. Focus leads to intensity. Intensity spawns drive. Drive seeds success... and success parallels stability.

STABILITY

A man of stability is a major turn-on for The Black Man Next Door. It's not necessarily the type of uniform itself -- although any occasional uniform strip-down and lap dance is a welcomed boost in every sex life... especially mine.

Rather, the stability provides an air of peace, predictability, and a measurement of a guy's success in dealing with past problems -- in and out of the uniform.

PERSONALITY

Now, a lot can be said about a guy's personality and tastes by simply looking at him in uniform. In fact, I could just man-watch for hours simply to try and figure out if they even like what they do. For instance, I look at the police officer on the left and wonder if he truly likes his profession.... or is he just "settling" on something?

Regardless, I would think being a police officer or military personnel requires someone that is comfortable following a strict code or subset of rules. It would require someone that is willing to lay their life on the line to protect others. It's definitely a sense of uber selflessness and personality that I find very attractive -- not to mention men in this profession most certainly have to stay in shape... in and out of the uniform.

DEDICATION

It seems safe to assume that every one of these men pictured in this post, as well as those beyond, require a certain level of dedication in order to do what they do. Based upon the uniform that they wear, one can extrapolate how well a man juggles his time each day.

It's hard work and determination that makes it all the more sexier when they drop what their doing and come home to you every night. A man that can balance work with play shows the ultimate dedication to all aspects of his life -- a dedication that The Black Man Next Door would certainly appreciate as he strips them out of uniform.

DISCIPLINE

And finally, every uniform requires a heightened level of discipline in order to wear it. There are always a subset of rules to follow, especially in sports uniforms. You break them, you are punished. There's no guesswork... no drama... no games. Win, lose, or draw. There's something sexy about a man with discipline. At least there's a chance that he'll take that discipline with him off the job and into his personal life.

There are so many qualities that come out when a guy wears a uniform. It sends a much quicker, clearer message than conventional ways of extracting information about a man of interest. Plus, the physicality... the energy given off by a man in uniform is something we could all admire. That's just the primal side of the man beast that I doubt any reader of this post can deny.

Watching men in uniform while in their natural habitat is so much like virtual stud-dating... except cheaper and less complicated. They satisfy every physical fantasy if you don't want to know them personally... or, in other words, you can watch harmlessly from home and pretend to be the one holding the football on all fours... or the one erroneously docked in from behind like the two American football studs above.

Of course, if you are lucky enough to land a guy in uniform's heart, you can spend a long time being charmed by the qualities that the uniform brings out in him. As a bonus, they often help bring out qualities that you never knew you had. Not to mention, you can enjoy being the "stress reliever" on any given night by surprising him with some fresh role-playing ideas.

Perhaps the basic reason why we do love our men in uniform is because they instill so much passion, drive, dedication, and discipline into what they do -- they enjoy it, and show the world who they are. Subsequently, the world admires them, which makes the one they love seem 'larger than life' when they drop all of that, come home, and let you peel away that uniform.

...and beneath this person's uniform is something that he's chosen only YOU to admire... one person out of 6.34 billion... YOU.

His Darkest Hour

2009-02-11T17:52:00.011-06:00

One small step for Arizonans. One giant leap for gay-kind! I am so glad that Phoenix gay couples can now register at City Hall, which grants them partner visitation rights at health facilities such as hospitals and nursing homes. That's two cities for Arizona, and many more to go. I'm still searching for such amenities here in North Texas.

To this day, I can't grasp the concept of denying someone the right to visit their lover in the hospital. The U.S. is behind in so many things -- one dark cloud being the fact that we are the only industrialized nation without universal health care. Day in and day out, there are those who use us as moral stepping stones and claim it to be God's work. Their labels aren't nearly as important as their God-given right to feel that way. But legislating that belief in order to limit life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness goes against everything that the foundation of this country supports.

However, our demon is two-headed. One of those heads deals with the fact that America is actually a constitutional republic. This in essence, empowers its states to have separate laws, rights, and authorities with the people's vote -- peppered with a plethora of stopgaps, redundancies, and checks & balances. This spawns billions of agonizing loopholes and endless confusion for gays who are good, honest, taxpaying citizens. States can grant rights then subsequently take them away. Still, other states may not recognize 'your' rights granted to you by your home state. This is why this "War of Rights" ultimately must end at the federal level.

The other demon head are those American citizens who honestly believe they are justified by denying the GLBT population rights because: God hates Fags. Gays will destroy this country. God has willed them to do everything in their power to fell the demonic beast known as the homosexual... including denying a gay man or woman the right to visit their partner during their darkest hour. This is bigotry and hatred at its worst, and for those who really believe this is God's will... be a real man or a real woman and just admit that. I'd rather you hate me to my face than smile at me with a Bible in hand, claim to "love the sinner, hate the sin", then stab me in the back with stupid anti-gay laws.

Look... bottom line is: Why do you accept the homosexual tax dollar to educate your children? Why do you accept an American gay man's tax money to fund a military that he can't even serve openly in? If you won't allow a lesbian to visit her partner in the hospital, then why in the hell do you accept her money to pay for her partner's medical services? Because you are a hypocritical, stone-casting sinner struggling to separate yourself from the pack with fickle self-righteousness. That's why.

.... and for those who believe in God, yet bigotize the homosexual... know that our trials will be by judge, not by jury. There is no juror's booth or additional seating inside, so why are you even standing outside of His courthouse? You aren't part of the equation. You may not believe homosexuality is right -- but that shouldn't stop you from doing the right thing.

Sorry, my fellow readers... just a tad bit bitchy today. Too close to work and too far away from a cocktail....